This Is Why It Sucks

Monday’s Missing Links

Anyone who graduated from preschool probably knows that “The Alphabet Song” ends with, “Now I know my A-B-C’s, next time won’t you sing with me?”  But this father in Tacoma, Washington apparently taught his child the alternative, lesser-known final verse that goes: “I still don’t know my A-B-C’s, daddy won’t you waterboard me?” [N.Y. Daily News]

I will freely admit that my knowledge of male prophylactics pretty much consists of two basic facts: 1) They are made from latex, and 2) Using one is comparable to going out sight-seeing in a foreign country while you’re blindfolded.  Well thanks to this informative article, I can now name seven more. [Asylum]

Am I the only person who holds onto the hope that one morning I’ll awake with an idea for some brilliant invention that will lead me to be a keynote speaker at the next TED conference?  This article lists some simple gadgets that were spawned from pre-existing products, and proves that you don’t have to be Ron Popeil to come up with a good idea…in some cases - like with the first product shown - your idea doesn’t even have to be that good, because people will buy pretty much anything. [Shopping Journal]

I have never been able to put my finger on it, but there is something about babies that makes me uncomfortable.  At first I thought it might be that weird New Baby smell, their fragile nature - seriously, they’re like Ming Vases with heartbeats - or that they seem to possess mind control over their parents - have you ever heard  a new parent talk about anything besides their loin fruit?  Some might call it an irrational fear, but I call it man’s intuition. [Cracked] 

I have never understood why cable networks insist on showing R-rated movies on TV, because a lot of the entertainment value is lost in translation after the all the editing and re-dubbing (which includes lines like: “This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!”).  I know the FCC believes it is their job to keep the airwaves free from anything and everything that could be perceived as “indecent.”  As Jimmy Kimmel points out, however, they seem to be getting a little too bleep-happy even by their standards.

Office Heroes

 A good video for any of my fellow office drone compatriots on this Monday after the Super Bowl - or anyone who hates their boss and/or co-workers for no apparent reason (Contains language):

Smith-ereens

• The Super Bowl kind of sounds like an emergency appendectomy that’s being performed on Andre the Giant.
• “I wouldn’t make a good gay guy because I can never get it all in the first wipe.” - Anonymous…ok, I just made that shit up.
• “Nin ten dough, Wii go” - An ultimatum given by Chinese terrorists.
• Herpes - Genital Braille
• Plastic or Paper? - Old school dope dealer vs. new school, environmentally conscious dope dealer.
• Politically correct - A show by a guy with a duck-billed platypus-like nose, or a term for not having the guts to say what you really think in a given situation.
• A blow job - What a married guy gets when he is told to clean up the car.
• Bourbon balls - A pair of testicles in a red, wax-covered sack. 
• Pill head - The one member of your family who actually enjoys family get togethers.
• MSG - The Chinese equivalent to PMS, but it’s much saltier.
• Mopeds - What a fat kid with a lisp says when his dispenser runs out of candy.
• Sectional sofas - Furniture for those too lazy to make it all the way around the room without needing to sit down.
• Sean Connery - Has he ever played someone who was actually from Scotland?
• Submarine movies - Can’t we all just get along?  Ain’t nothin angrier than a bunch of motherfuckers under water, in a tube, with a camera following them around.
• Homicide - A pesticide made by a gay guy.
• Sumo wrestlers - Who wouldn’t want to be fat and adored by women, all while wearing a diaper?
• Steven Seagal - The reason I went on a diet and quit slicking my hair back.
• 100 Proof - Evidence that life is only good 50% of the time, which necessitates drinking something at least twice as strong.
• Drug addicts in movies - Always more fashionable, prettier, and less scary than they are in real life.
• Jennifer Tilly - Has got some Tillybitties.  She’s almost as bad as Gene Simmons’ wife Shannon Tweed.  Both of their movies are always on Skinemax late at night, and they both show their tits within the first five minutes of appearing on screen.  
• Zoo - “A controversial documentary about bestiality which focuses on a Seattle man who died after having sex with a horse.  Includes interviews and re-enactments of the incident.”  This was apparently the funniest shit I missed on Comcast Digital Cable’s Sundance East Channel.  I don’t think actual horse fuckin is as bad as re-enacting it.  Plus, a man lost his life.  Have some decency and quit trying to beat off a dead horse for Christ’s sake.

Silky’s Sunday Blues: Super Sunday Edition

You can have Christmas, Thanksgiving, Narconon Day, or any other holiday people celebrate, and I’ll take Super Bowl Sunday over any of them.  This day marks the end of another season of the greatest sports organization in the world, plus it gives me an excuse to cook massive amounts of food, drink muchas cervezas, and watch the game with a house full of homeys.  I don’t have a horse in this year’s race, but I’d like to see the Saints erase all of those years spent toiling in inferiority.  My prediction is Saints 38, Colts 31.   

This was a great game, but the thing I remember most is one of my good friends being passed out the entire time; he woke up after “the play”, and the priceless look on his still-drunken face is something I’ll never forget:

Doug Williams proves the skeptics wrong, and becomes the first African American QB to lead his team to a Super Bowl victory:

Peyton Manning’s little brother throws up a no-look pass - seriously he had his eyes closed - and the Patriot’s pursuit of perfection is denied: