This Is Why It Sucks

B2F’s With ZG

Yesterday brought us the Internet premiere of DJ Steve Porter’s “Press Hop 2″, and I thought that would be the highlight of my week – yes, I fully realize how pathetic this sounds.  Well, that all changed today when I found out a new edition of the talk show “Between Two Ferns” was now showing on Funny or Die.  The latest guest to stop by Galifianikis’s plant paradise is his Dinner for Schmucks co-star Steve Carell.  Carell recently made headlines after revealing the news that he would not return to The Office when his contract expires after the 2010-11 season.  Since that time, a lot of discussions about whether or not the show can survive without Michael Scott have taken place on various websites and TV shows.  Some say the ensemble cast can continue to carry the show, but others believe that when he leaves, the show will not be able to go on without him – or will be a shell of its former sitcom self.  While I enjoy the secondary cast of characters as much as the next Office fan, I still believe that Michael Scott is the straw that stirs the Dundler Mifflin coffee.  It’s hard to imagine anyone else being able to perfectly combine equal parts ignorance, comedy, and total obliviousness with the cringe-inducing moments Carell provides on a weekly basis.  But then it dawned on me.  There is one person I can think of who just might be able to pull it off, and it just so happens to be Zach Galifianikis.  I’d put the chances of this happening at roughly .00000000001%, but it never hurts to dream.

(Language is NSFW):

Teabaggin Bitches

Mr. Smith presented his thoughts concerning the new age Tea Party movement on here before, but it’s hard for me to get into their politics, since I don’t know (or care) what they are all about.  The only things about the Tea Party that I have learned is that they no longer like the term teabagger, their views are consistent with Republican ideology, and their logo looks like a pile of shit at first glance.  Well, I recently learned something new after reading an article that details an upcoming Pekoe party protest in California.  Like their American Idol Sarah Palin, some teabaggers don’t take too kindly to the First Amendment – and apparently believe every stupid stereotype they hear:

The Council on American-Islamic relations (CAIR) has condemned plans for a Tea Party protest outside a southern California mosque, whose organizers are urging protesters to bring dogs with them because Muslims “hate dogs.”  I wish someone would have told them that all Muslims hate gerbils.  That would be a sight to see.  All those plastic wheels and I.V.-looking water dispensers all over the place – and you know Richard Gere would have shown up.

A recent series of unsigned emails and anonymous Web postings has called for a protest during Friday prayers outside the Islamic Center of Temecula Valley, in Riverside County. Protest organizers are upset at the Islamic group’s plans to build a new mosque to replace its current makeshift mosque.

One of the emails declared: “Islam is not a religion.  It is a worldwide political movement meant [sic] on domination of the world.  And it is meant to subjugate all people under Islamic law….”  And what is it exactly that Christians have been trying to do for thousands of years?  I’ve never once had a Muslim come to my door asking me if I would be interested in learning more about the Qur’an.

The email goes on to say that Muslims “hate dogs. …Tennessee was able to stop the Mosque so bring your Bibles, flags, signs, dogs and singing voice (All Muslims apparently hate music as well) on Friday.”...The reference to Tennessee evidently has to do with a controversy over the planned construction of a mosque in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, which has drawn opposition from some residents.  Contrary to the email, planning for the mosque has not been halted.

With the city of Temecula soon to determine whether the proposed mosque can go ahead, opposition to its construction has been growing more vocal.  Opponents told the L.A. Times last week they feared the mosque would turn the area into “a haven for Islamic extremists.”…That’s a charge denied by members of the Temecula mosque, who point out their current mosque has been operating in Riverside County for more than a decade.

“Californians of all faiths should repudiate (I think he meant refudiate) those who would target a house of worship using tactics specifically designed to cause offense,” said Hussam Ayloush, executive director of the Los Angeles branch of CAIR. “National and state Tea Party leaders should explain why their movement has apparently deviated from its agenda on fiscal responsibility and limited government to the promotion of Islamophobia.”

CAIR also notes that the organizers’ assertion that Muslims “hate” dogs is wrong.  “Many Muslims believe the saliva of dogs invalidates the ritual ablution performed before prayer.  For this reason, it has become a cultural norm for individuals not to have dogs in their houses — not because the dog is ‘hated,’” CAIR stated.  Okay, so the saliva thing is kind of a weird religious belief; but then again, I don’t know of many religions whose beliefs are steeped (get it? Tea, steeped) in factualism either. (VIA)

Press Hop 2

The highly anticipated follow-up to DJ Steve Porter’s “Press Hop,” a video that set famous sports quotes to a rap staccatto, has finally arrived.  As is the case with most sequels that fall into this category, I thought it would be very difficult for him to top the original masterpiece.  After watching his latest effort, I will gladly admit that I was wrong.  By incorporating recent events, like Lebron James’ The Decision, and forgotten gems, like the exchange between Mike Tyson and a Rick James-esque boxer whose name escapes me, it’s safe to say this DJ definitely has another hit on his magic hands.

The Expendables

No, this isn’t going to be a post about the big budget, star-packed movie that will hit theaters in a couple weeks.  Although I do have quite a few thoughts on this 80′s throwback action flick, like what kind of mind-bending plot viewing audiences can expect, or what Steven Seagal and JCVD think about being the odd men out.  I’d also like to know where the Eyetalian Stallion got the seeds for those beanstalks that appear to be growing under his skin.  But the following list contains another group of people I could easily go the rest of my life without seeing – with the exception of Squeegee Lo, aka Terry Crewes, who should have a part in every movie.  This is not comprehensive, so other apples of my ire will be expended in the future.

• People who refer to their car by its brand or model name.  This is almost always reserved for individuals who own a high-end automobile that is supposed to somehow convey a notion of the owner’s self-worth.  An example would be, “I had to take my Porsche to the Porsche dealer today, because there was a seatbelt recall on all 2010 Porsche models.  Even the Porsche 911 Carrera RS’s, like the one I own.”  On the other hand, normal people like myself just say, “I had to take my car/truck to the shop again, because it’s a piece of shit.”  If you encounter someone like this, try turning the tables on them and see how they like to hear a story involving a similar preoccupation with specificity:  “Well, I woke up late this morning to the sounds of my Casio alarm clock, so I jumped in my American Standard shower with Irish Spring and Pantene Pro-V in hand.  Then I brushed my teeth with an electric Sonicare, and shaved using one of those new Schick Hydro razors.  I quickly ate some Kellog’s Frosted Flakes with a splash of 2% Flav-o-Rich milk afterwards, headed for my American Craftsman door and locked the Schlage deadbolt behind me before rushing off to work…”
• Along the same lines are people who feel the need to reveal how much money they make during the course of a casual conversation.  “So, they told me it was gonna cost fifty cents for a refill, which I thought was kind of ridiculous.  I mean, it wasn’t about the money, because I make $80,000 a year; it was the principle of the whole thing.”  This is proof that money can’t buy everything, with humility and tact being two examples.  There are also a few people on the other side of the spectrum who use this monetary information to tell someone how broke they are, usually in an effort to gain pity.  “I can’t even hardly pay all my bills, since I’m only making $20,000 a year.”  Real poor people would love to have a water bill they couldn’t pay, because at least that would mean they wouldn’t be bathing and washing their loin cloths in a polluted river alongside livestock.
• Anyone who drives a jacked up truck or SUV that looks and sounds like it should be rolling over junk cars in front of hundreds of screaming rednecks at the county fair.  We get it, you like NASCAR, support the 2nd Amendment, and have toddler-sized genitalia.
• Individuals who use the phrase “At the end of the day” to describe the importance of something.  This is now a popular phrase among sports announcers and analysts that is often used to justify a behavior, or prove whatever point they’re trying to get across.  “At the end of the day, giving 110% – another questionable expression, which goes against everything my 2nd grade math teacher taught me – is the only thing that matters.”  What’s so damn special and telling about what you accomplished before the sun went down?  I work from 9-5, and the stuff that goes on during that time is the least important part of each 24-hour period in my life.  What if you work the graveyard shift, and the only thing you have done at the end of the day is sleep?  What if you volunteer in a soup kitchen for homeless people and disabled orphans through the end of the day, and then happen to kill a bunch of hookers later that night?  Would the police buy the notion that you are a good guy at the end of the day?  It seems like people should be more concerned with whatever has transpired “at the end of the night,” which could also be called “the beginning of the next day.”