Whoa! The Career of Theodore Logan

Today’s Hater Hall of Shame inductee is a surprisingly successful actor who has made a career out of ruining potentially good movies.

Keanu Charles Reeves,  Born September 2, 1964

Keanu Reeves was born in Beirut, Lebanon, the son Samuel Reeves and Patricia Bond.  His two parents met in Beirut while his mother was working as a costume designer, and they had Keanu shortly thereafter.  His father abandoned the family when Reeves was only three years old, and they have not been on speaking terms since.  Reeves’s childhood consisted of traveling to different places where his mother found work; he lived in Australia and New York City, but grew up primarily in Toronto.  There were also several stepfathers during this stage of his life - his mother was married and divorced four times, the last marriage ending in 1994.

While growing up in Toronto, Keanu attended four different high schools within a five year period; he was expelled from the Etobicoke School of the Arts for “getting in their way”, which means they also believed he had little chance at a career in acting.  He also played hockey for the De La Salle College “Oaklands” in Toronto, and was voted the team’s MVP as a goalie.  After leaving De La Salle, Reeves enrolled at “free school”, which allowed him to act and get an education – he would later drop out, and never ended up receiving his high school diploma.

He actually began acting (or trying to act) when he was nine, appearing in stage productions, commercials, and Canadian TV shows.  His first major role was in the 1986 film River’s Edge, which also starred Dennis Hopper and Crispin Glover (aka George McFly).  Keanu’s first lead role came in the 1989 comedy film Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.  He played Ted “Theodore” Logan, a burnout who travels through time alongside his best friend Bill Preston (Alex Winter) in order to pass a history presentation.  Here is a bit of the acting prowess he displayed in the film’s finale, which surely produced some sort of “Best Actor” buzz during the 1989 Oscars campaign:

The second prominent role Reeves received was in the 1991 film Point Break – which also featured two legendary actors, Gary Busey and Patrick Swayze.  Keanu played the role of FBI special agent Johnny Utah, a man who goes undercover as a surfer to catch some notorious bank robbers (think Ted Logan with a badge).  After this film, he crossed over into the mainstream and began ruining legitimate films like it was his job.  Here is a short list of the movies that his acting tainted:  Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Speed, Johnny Mnemonic, Chain Reaction, The Devil’s Advocate (Schwarzenegger could’ve pulled off a better Southern Accent than Reeves displayed), The Matrix (Matrices??) I-III, The Replacements, Constantine, A Scanner Darkly, Street Kings, and The Day the Earth Stood Still.  The success of Keanu Reeves ranks right up there with some of life’s great mysteries, and proves that you don’t have to be good at what you do to make a career out of it.

Keanu makes an appearance on Celebrity Jeopardy!:

It looks like acting isn’t the only thing Keanu sucks at:

I guess he picked up a few things from Socrates while filming Bill & Ted (Language NSFW)