The Farm Flus
Whatever happened to the good ole days when a person could pick up a disease that wasn’t deadly and named after some sort of animal? I remember when you could get case of just the plain ole flu, an ear infection, or a non-flesh eating skin rash. Nowadays, you can’t go outside without fearing you’ll contract these ebola-like maladies: Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, or Baboon Balls. O.K., so the last one I made up.
The Bird Flu was a big problem in Asia a couple of years ago, and everyone was worried it would wonton up in other parts of the world. Without getting on the Internet and doing research to make any of this actually factual, I just remember seeing a lot of people running around wearing surgical masks - much like they’re doing now to avoid porkin’ out. It’s like everyone is rehearsing a M*A*S*H episode. I find it strange that the only thing you need to fight off these deadly animal-related afflictions is a surgical mask. I wonder if you could beat the bird and pig croop with a ski, welder, or Halloween mask? It would be a lot more fun if you could survive a pandemic all while looking like Frankenstein, Spiderman, or The Hulk.
All these animal based diseases make me think that you could go see Gene at the local animal clinic, and get a shot to fight all this off. So as to assure the rest of us that you’re vaccinated, you’d get a shiny new tag with your name, address, and the date of your shot. Hopefully, he wouldn’t have to give you a rectal exam prior to vaccinatin’ ya; because, as a child, I saw him “shoulder” a horse and he ain’t no Dr. Jellyfinger, if you smell what I’m steppin’ in.
Well, in closing, I’d like to remind everyone to raid their children’s closets to get those old Halloween masks. Let’s ride out this pandemic in true style – pretending we’re someone and somewhere else.
(Chicken Pox don’t really make it into this discussion because it’s a wuss virus. Any disease that renders itself non-effectual after one use doesn’t necessitate marinatin’ on its abilities. I mean, I guess it kind of falls into the category of a wasp or bee when they pull out their innards by stinging you. It’s like Chicken Pox gave it all they got, and then receded into nothingness like the viral cross between poison ivy and zits that they are)
