One Vodka & Tonic, Hold the Flair
While I don’t go to bars as much as I did in my younger days, I still pry myself off the La-Z-Boy and enjoy a night out on the town every so often. My intentions when I visit a bar however, have remained the same since I turned twenty-one. I never cared much for socializing or birddogging chicks (which may be a result of having NO game), because my only objective at a bar is getting buzzed up as quickly as possible. A good bar keep should know this and ensure the transition from sober to fit shaced is quick and painless; but a movie called Cocktail started a disturbing trend in 1988, and spawned a sect of bartenders that turn drink orders into an elaborate & pointless production.
Although you can go to “college” to obtain a degree in mixology, most bartenders will ultimately choose a different career path in the end. Even if you do attend one of these highly accredited institutions, I have to believe that showmanship and juggling is not part of the core cirriculum. Say someone does embark on a quest to become the greatest bartender ever, one simple idea should guide them: If you serve drinks and beers quickly, you will have more (& happier) customers, which means you will make more money. Everything else is secondary, and only impedes the process of inebriation. A real professional doesn’t need fancy tricks to get the job done; I have seen Lebron James throw in underhanded shots from halfcourt multiple times, but you don’t see him trying to pull it off during an actual game.
Below are some Youtube videos from the 2007 Legends of Bartending, one of (too) many competitions that take place every year. These clips feature contestants that participated in the “Flair Bartending” category; while their tricks are mildly impressive, I doubt it makes the drinks taste any better. The one positive aspect is that these guys have something to fall back on if bartending doesn’t work out…I hear Cirque du Soleil & The Ringling Brothers are always looking for new talent.
Neither of these guys could compare to the duo of Brian Flanagan and Doug Coughlin:
Reader Comments
This is funny…I mean, falling back on the whole Cocktail thing…man, that’s original. I’m wondering what you do for a living? Not to be mean-spirited, although I can see that’s the sole intent of your blog, but do people come to you and criticize your work publicly?
Nonetheless, I’ll be a fan of yours from now on! Because, you can’t have too many idiots’ blogs to use when telling your next bar joke.
By the way, the average flair bartender makes anywhere from double to triple what a normal bartender makes in both tips AND sales for a bar owner. So I’m not sure how you’re coming up with your statistical data on “If you serve drinks and beers quickly, you will have more (& happier) customers, which means you will make more money.” This is skewed in the fact that flair bartenders are actually working while “performing” – i.e. mixing, pouring multiple bottles, talking to customers, entertaining, etc. So to say a flair bartender is slow at serving is simply not true.
Although no matter what I say, you’ll continue to believe this, so why waste my time on that?
Maybe a more hard-hitting approach will be better…
One more thing that doesn’t make sense in your post:
“My intentions when I visit a bar however, have remained the same since I turned twenty-one. I never cared much for socializing or birddogging chicks (which may be a result of having NO game), because my only objective at a bar is getting buzzed up as quickly as possible.”
Why would you go to a bar to pay double (even triple) price for drinks you can buy and/or mix yourself at home? If you’re not going for the socializing or the entertainment experience, then you’re the idiot…because going just to wait in line and buy overpriced drinks is stupid. In addition, most bartenders and servers are instructed and even trained to AVOID getting you so drunk you can’t walk.
In any case – stay home if you want to get sloshed. The rest of the population would probably benefit.
Cheers!
Thank you for your hate Emma, it makes old Silky feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It’s a great feeling when you can compel someone to write a mini-novel in reponse to a pointless blog entry. I would also like to thank you for inspiring me to write a new post…it’s going to be about people who lack a sense of humor. Hope I can piss you off in the future, thanks.
P.S. TIWIS is looking for guest contributors, and I like your style. If you’re interested, let me know.
Emma sounds like a hot pepper, and I’ll never forget her.
It’s hilarious that you say you enjoy it so much, “Silky,” when in fact you deleted it the first time I posted it, June 3. Did it just take you that long to come up with an adequate response? I’m sure that after all those beers and lounging around on your lazy butt, you’ve probably damaged some brain cells. LOL
Why don’t you write a post about stupid names people use when they write an anonymous blog? (i.e. Silky)…Now THAT would be funny.
Thanks for your input Emma, I think I love you…
Great post – thanks for sharing!
I am in total agreement, the faster you get the drinks out the better, my favorite is the bartenders who don’t use cirqu de sole moves, but are so fucking cool that they almost purposely take more time than necessary to make you a drink when theres a huge line, to emphasize they are in control and much cooler than you…much like when you give black people the go ahead to cross in front of your car, and they almost predanaturally slow the fuck down…booo ghetto behavior…boo dipshit bartenders!