Spray Tanned Pouty Man

There is a weird and unsettling trend that has developed somewhere along the Jersey coastline, and if it goes unchecked, this infestation could wipe out manhood as we know it.  I don’t know if this shift towards extreme metrosexuality is a result of the boy band craze, or some chemical commonly found in hair gel and Axe Body Spray, but this style is scarier than the hot tube scene in About Schmidt (WARNING: link is NSFW and may be NSAE, not safe after eating).  I don’t consider myself to be an overtly macho guy, or think any male should go out of their way to prove they are “real men” - but a line really has to be drawn somewhere.  There are certain things which are inherent to each gender, and we as men should embrace that which separates the XY from the XX (or the ♂ from the ♀).

To put it simply, males are engineered to be hairy, sweaty lifeforms who think with their meat and two veg; as Jerry Seinfeld once said, “The female body is a work of art.  The male body is utilitarian, it’s for gettin’ around…it’s like a Jeep.”  However, it seems more men are refusing to accept the genetic hand they have been dealt, and are attempting to rewrite the course of masculine history.  I can’t fault any guy for wanting to make himself appealing to the opposite sex (I would say roughly 85% of our lives is spent in that pursuit), but emulating a female should not be the way to go about it.  In my opinion, there are a few guidelines that most every guy should follow closely: (1) Never take more than 30 minutes to get ready for anything – that time includes a shower, (2) Don’t shave anything other than your face and neck…and maybe your back - unless you’re training to be the next Michael Phelps, (3) Your hair shouldn’t double as a deadly weapon, (4) Your tan should come from the UV rays provided by Mother Nature, and not a Vidal Sassoon bottle – a farmer tan is acceptable, and (5) The collar on your polo shirt should remain in its intended position, unless your neck is burnt, or you’re in a dark room full of vampires with hemophilia – and limit yourself to one pink/pastel shirt purchase per three years.  

This effeminate epidemic seems to have its roots in the Northern part of the United States, but there are new cases popping up across the country each day.  It’s usually not difficult to spot a guy who is strickened with this affliction, but the root cause is still a mystery.  As with many things, you have to study the subject in its natural enviroment in order to learn more about it.  So take a look at the following videos, which chronicle a well-known breeding ground in New Jersey.  This place used to be a quaint little oasis, but it has recently been overrun with droves of girlie men.  One brave filmmaker had the cojones to enter what is essentially ground zero, and risked life and limb to get a closer look into the mysterious (and comical) world of The Guido. 

(Language NSFW) 

The mating dance of the North American guido (or Guidos Americanas):

Update: Just found a great YouTube video titled “Crank Dat Guido Boy“, and had to link it.