Lifestyles of the Rich and Brainless

In the first installment of Lifestyles of the Rich and Brainless, we journeyed into the world of extravagant baby birthday parties and the idiots who spend bukoos of money on them.  Today we will examine another group that is undeservedly pampered; the reasoning behind this growing trend is even more mind-boggling, however, because it involves individuals spending inordinate amounts of money on a totally different species.  I am talking about the creation and growth of ”Pet Resorts” (or ”Pet Spas”), which sounds more like the title of a Disney/Pixar film than an actual place.

First and foremost, I consider myself to be an animal lover - in the platonic sense of course, not in a Tijuana back-alley performance kind of way.  Pets possess a therapeutic quality, and no matter how shitty your day is, they have ways of making you feel better in no time.  This type of companionship is probably what led to the idea of pet resorts, but unfortunately I can’t prove this hypothesis.  I searched the web near and narrow (opposite of far and wide) for information on the first pet resort opened in the U.S., but to no avail.  Although I couldn’t find the progenitor of these pet paradises, the boom of this industry is apparent.  There are hoards of these places popping up all over the map – the search term “pet spa” returned over 80 million hits - and most of them have cheesy, pun-based names like La Bone Pet Spa or The Four Paws Pet Resort.  They offer amenities like swimming pools, play rooms, flat screen TV’s, massages, and chef prepared gourmet meals - in other words, things I can rarely afford when I book a vacation.  In my opinion, there are countless reasons why you shouldn’t take your pet to a spa, and here are few off the top of my head:

• Pets have shitty memories – My dog acts the exact same every time I come home, whether I’ve been gone for ten minutes or ten days.  It’s not like your pet would return from their little sabbatical, and rave to all their friends about the great experience they had and how they can’t wait to to go back in the future.  What could one of these places possibly do to make this trip a memorable one – do these resorts compile a scrapbook of photos from the doggy congo line, or send a trophy home with the winner of the Hottest Teets contest?
• Pets don’t deserve gourmet meals- I actually saw an interview with the owner of a pet spa in my area recently; when asked about their high priced doggy treats, she said that “animal’s taste buds are more sophisticated than we realize”.  First off, I have a hard time believing that a lot of research has been done in this field; and even if millions of dollars have been spent researching the palettes of our four-legged friends, what kind of variables and constants were used to come to this conclusion?  I’m no scientist, but I could probably predict the results if they set a can of Alpo next to a Philly cheesesteak and had the animal choose between the two.  If an animal’s taste buds are as refined as the “experts” claim, then my dogs’ genitals must taste like filet mignon.   
• Pets already have it made - Most people take vacations to get away from the daily grind and relieve all the stress that has built up over the previous months.  What could possibly happen to an animal that would warrant a little high priced rest and relaxation – another dog keeps peeing on their hydrant, their favorite chew toy comes up missing?  The average pet’s life consists of three basic things: sleeping, eating, pissing/shitting.  This daily routine is simple enough already, and when you throw in the fact that all of these things can be done at their own leisure, you pretty much have a blueprint for the perfect life.   

I’m not sure how (or if) the following video relates to the topic at hand, but Dale Sturtevant definitely has the right idea: