Kentucky Fried Failure
Can anyone tell me why KFC is constantly flogging their grilled yard bird now? I mean, when I first heard about this “new idea”, I immediately thought of a line from Ghostbusters - “It’ll be mass hysteria. Cats and dogs living together.” I bet Colonel Sanders rolled over in his deep fried casket when this idea was first thrown around, much less when it came to nutrition - or fruition. I guess they’ll need to change their name to KGC soon, but I believe this nickname is already taken by one of the Boston Celtics. The bastion of fried goodness giving in to all these “doctors” who claim that fried food is unhealthy is like Jenny Craig coming out with her own line of Twinkies. There’s never been any studies linking lardassedness directly to the consumption of those tasty yard bird boobs, which are bathed in those mysterious 11 herbs and spices. How in the hell can a place filled with deep fryers grill anything anyway? Maybe they have a bunch of those Showtime Rotisserie Grills – the ones flogged on the notion of “setting it and forgetting it”. I recently bought one of these for my dad, and there is actually a sticker on the grill that says, “Don’t take set it and forget it literally” – as if Troy McClure himself pitched it. If that is the case, I hope the public tries it and doesn’t buy it.
Apparently Oprah isn’t afraid of KGC yardbird, because she once told all her viewers to get on her website and download a coupon for a free two piece grilled meal. Since everyone in the free world seems to buy into her wisdom and flogging of products, the website crashed as a result of more traffic than rickshaw rush hour in Bangkok. The problems didn’t end there, however, because some of the stores wouldn’t honor the Oprons - and the ones that did had longer lines than the mirror in Keith Richard’s suite at the Four Seasons.
All this lunacy over grilled yard bird is nuttier than an Amish fruitcake, and as nonsensical as Forrest Gump repeating that damn “Stupid is as stupid does” mantra like a philosophical parrot. It’s as if KFC has come up with some new fangled way to de-salmonellaize chicken or something. Cavemen eventually discovered fire, and now KFC is acting like they invented the yard bird wheel. Oooooh. Can you imagine the Yum Brand’s executive pitching this idea? “O.K. I’ve got an idea, bare with me here people and think outside the bucket. It’s called grilling. No, seriously. A guy in the research and development department came up with it a couple of weeks ago. You heat up some type of metal grate-like thing by putting a source of heat below it, and you actually put the chicken on it to cook.” I’m going to call them next week, and try to sell them on my radical idea of putting yard bird in a broth-like mixture with pasta noodles. It’ll be a bigger hit than the Snacker ever thought of being – Why in the hell do people want to eat fried chicken slathered in mayonnaise, covered with lettuce, and all wrapped up in a goddamn tortilla anyway? My general rule is, if the Mexicans didn’t put it in a tortilla, I’m not going to either. Maybe California was the original test site for this culinary innovation, due to their seemingly seasonal bout with nature’s answer to the grill – wildfires?
