Hater Hall of Fame: Charles Montgomery Burns Edition

Charles Montgomery Burns,  Born circa 1900′s

Although Mr. Burns is the richest, most powerful (and oldest…maybe) hater in Springfield, Anywhere USA, this evil nuclear tycoon comes from meager beginnings.  At a young age, Montgomery left his poor family behind and moved in with his grandfather, who was the owner of an atom mill in Springfield.  It was here that Burns first began to learn his evil ways, and became accustomed to living a privileged life.  After high school, Montgomery went to Yale University to study science and business – he was also a member of the college’s secret society, Skull and Bones.  When Burns graduated in 1914, he moved back to his adopted hometown to settle down; it was there that he constructed his massive, state-of-the-art mansion known as Burns Manor.  The house is equipped with amenities that are unparalleled in the world of high-priced real estate, things like: a bottomless pit, a theatre with live plays that run around the clock (even if there is no audience), a human chess board, the biggest TV in the free world, and a model train that takes 3 hours and 47 minutes to make one round-trip.  Not long after building his luxurious estate, Burns also built and founded his legacy – the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.  

Around 1940, Montgomery decided to join U.S. Army and help his country win World War II; he served as a member of the Flying Hellfish squad, and served under Sgt. Abraham Simpson.  Montgomery did see significant action in the Ardennes during the Battle of the Bulge, but perhaps the most memorable event of his military career actually came after the war was over.  Since Burns was already the richest man in the U.S., President Harry S. Truman hired him to transport a contribution towards Europe’s reconstruction in the form of a trillion-dollar bill.  That token of goodwill never arrived, however, and a cloud of mystery confounded the FBI for years.  It wasn’t until a local yokel (but not THE local yokel) named Homer Simpson went undercover, that they found Burns had kept it for himself.  Although he didn’t need the money, Burns just didn’t want anyone else to have it; he would later lose it to a younger, bearded version of himself - Fidel Castro.      

Despite his advanced age, Burns continues to run his nuclear wasteland of a facility with an iron (and visibly frail) fist.  With the help of his faithful assistant/caretaker/best & only friend Waylon Smithers, Monty oversees all the daily workings of the facility.  He does do a terrible job in this respect, but Burns’ plant manages to survive and thrive through avenues less traveled – bribes, blackmailing, shady business deals, etc.  The stronghold that Burns has built with various investments – which includes Monty Burns Casino, Burns Slant Drilling Co., and Burns Media – will remain bright as well, but the same probably can’t be said for his own future.  It is believed that he has died on multiple occasions, and he also suffers from a rare disease known as ”The Three Stooges Syndrome”.  The presence of this illness means he has every known disease, and unique diseases known only to him; the weird thing is, all of them are attempting to attack his body simultaneously, so they actually cancel each other out.  Mr. Burns believes this diseases has made him immortal, but a doctor was quoted as saying, “The slightest breeze could kill him.”   

There are tons more Mr. Burns-themed clips on Hulu, if you’re interested in that sort of thing…