57 Channels Revisited
I was flipping through the channels as I was trying to decide whether to continue preparing for the trial I have on Friday, or just screw off like the top to a 1.5 liter bottle of the classiest wine Riunite has to offer - even after the increase in smoke and swill taxes, Riunite is still more affordable than paying attention. The only real problem with buying Riunite is having to look the clerk in the eyes when you’re checking out. Whatever that purple flavor they have isn’t all that bad – my mother guzzles it whenever she is in the general vicinity. It’s refreshingly sweet, with a hint of carbonation; but it is subtle and less puke-inducing than Mad Dog 20/20 - which contrary to popular belief, does not help your eyesight.
Getting back to what I intended to theorize on, while flipping through my choices, I noticed something called Mother, Jugs, and Speed was coming on Channel 168. Surprisingly, the name of Channel 168 – which upon second glance does not appear to be affiliated with any numerically named sexual position – is RETRO and not something like LUVSAC, STAFF, or HOLE. Mother, Jugs, and Speed sounds like a movie about busty MILF’s who either have a meth problem, or drive NASCAR. It’s hard to keep scrolling through your choices when you see a title like this on a non-credit card requiring channel. It sounds like a movie that you’d be concerned about both stopping on, and hitting the info button when your significant other is in the room – that is, unless of course she has $14.99 plus tax left on the credit limit of her MasterCard. As for what the movie is actually about, I hit the info button and was told that none other than Heathcliff Huxtable was in this story “about an unlikely trio of paramedics employed by a private ambulance service.” They should have called it Mother, Jell-O Pudding, and Speed if the voice of Fat Albert was going to be in it. Hey, hey, here is something that would be fun to watch: Fat Albert in an adult movie. There would be more bouncin’ than a trampoline expo – you think Mushmouth would take off his hat when it got down to the nitty gritty?
Soul Player was on Channel 144 VHISO. I am guessing this is a show about a ghost-like entity who has a strong pimp hand. I find this an odd show to be on a channel which appears to be named after either a saline solution, a black market cellular service provider, or that less filling soup you get at most sushi joints.
Something called Pucca comes on channel 135 DISXD. To be honest, I have no idea what or who a Pucca is – unless the show is about one of those sweet necklaces I used to wear back in the day. I’ve only got 30 minutes to figure it out, however, because Yin Yang Yo! comes on next. I find it hard to believe that something on an alleged youth network would be named after the way a honky pretends to rap in Chinese, but it appears as though it has occurred. And if I don’t want to watch Pucca, I could change the channel to 131 NOG and watch Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! Honestly, I think the name of this show sounds like what a Teletubby would say before having an orgasm, but this is apparently a children’s channel as well. On a side note, I think there was a fetish film shot in Miami entitled Sham Wow! Wow! You Bit Me! I think it will be interesting to see once it comes out; can a Sham Wow soak up all the blood, and make teeth marks disappear after you’ve been bitten by an apparently rabid hooker?
Well, I’m going to have to let you go because I don’t know how to work my MVR, CVS, ATV or whatever the hell the recording feature on this contraption is called - plus, I want to be able to divert my full attention to Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!
