Helpful Hatin’

Does your life seem more complicated and stressful than it should be?  Have your domestic duties got you down?  If so, here are a few helpful and simple hints that will make your life a walk in the park - one of those nice parks too, not one that’s littered with crackheads, used hypodermic needles, and hookers who give out handy’s for cheeseburgers:  

• A mouse trap, when placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from continually rolling over and going back to sleep after hitting the snooze button.
• If you are prone to accidents in the kitchen, avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables (or anything else) by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
• If you and the Mrs. are constantly engaged in arguments about the proper position of the toilet seat, you can avoid these disagreements by using the sink instead.
• For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure that is built up in your veins.  Remember to use a timer – preferably something with a second hand.
• If you have been plagued with a recurring cough, don’t run out to the pharmacy and waste $30 on a bunch of cold and flu medicine.  All you need to do is take a large dose of cheap laxatives, and then you’ll be too afraid to cough.
• If you can’t fix something with a hammer, then you’ve got an electrical problem.
• There is no need to complicate things, especially when you really only need two basic tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn’t move and should, then use the WD-40.  If it shouldn’t move and does, go with the duct tape.