Colorful Confusion
Who came up with the color coding system to let’s us know what the terror level threat is? Obviously, red is a given because we’ve all grown up with stop signs, soccer players have red cards, and perverts (or curious teens) have red touches. So, the red is not the problem. It is officially listed as being a severe terror alert, which means there’s probably going to be crayons named “severe”. When I think of a severe terror alert, I think of someone like Roman Polanski coming through customs with a bunch of pre-pubescent little girls.
What exactly are the problems for the colors that come after red? When I was flying to Mouse Kingdom (trip rundown is upcoming), this chick - who looked like that bitch that didn’t believe my mom’s maiden name was also Smith when I applied for a credit card at the Great American Cookie Company – comes over the P.A. system to tell me the threat level was orange. What the hell does that mean? If the Orange Kool-Aid man was breaking through security and walls and shit, I could see it. Otherwise, I’m not going to wear a hunting vest through an airport. Orange really means we are on high alert. I guess this is the state of alert that occurs when a bunch of farmers start throwing fruit at airport workers and pilots.
Blue means guarded - blue like your testicles after a dip in the arctic seas I guess. What’s more likely is that blue means blue like the uniforms mall rent-a-cops wear. It could also mean that Buddy Guy has taken the reigns of national security into his hands, because you know he’s always got the blues. Maybe this new government entanglement is why he put down the Soul Glo, and shaved his Jeri Curl? Government work will often make a man change his hair do. I mean you saw those flowing locks on Arnold’s incredibly huge forehead, sittin’ a top that acned back way before he had to kill aliens with Action Jackson and the Governor of Minnesota – and save Tommy Chong’s kid in Commando (By the way, that movie’s ignorance factor is highly underrated. It is at a level all its own - Red level of ignorance). But now, since he’s all gubernatorial and what not, he’s brought back the Sear’s catalog wearing khaki pants to mow the yard while wearing Eastlands-style. I can’t believe Skeletor Kennedy Smith Onassis St. James Schwarzenegger lets him out of the Hummer looking like that.
Finally, you have the lowly color green, which sits all alone at the bottom of the fear factor chain. I guess this also kind of makes sense, because green is supposedly the color of envy; since this is like being the low man on the terror totem poll, think of it as the Rodney Dangerfield of terrorist threat levels. Then again, it could also mean you only have to watch out for cash falling out of the sky, a Mer-Man, the Swamp Thing, or the goofy Hulk from Ang Lee’s version alley cattin’ around your aeropuerto of choice.
