Holiday Hangover

I am still reeling from a long weekend filled with gluttony and family obligations; but here are a few observations that were brought on by my trip, and a sports story that has scandal written all over it.

• I decided to travel home on the day of Thanksgiving, and let me tell you that nothing gets me more excited for a feast than seeing hundreds of deer carcasses littering the highway.  I don’t even think carcasses is the right term to use for the carnage I witnessed.  The word “smithereens” is probably more appropriate, considering pretty much every Bambi body I saw looked like something straight out of a George Romero movie.  With each passing mile, my hunger for pretty much every food began to dissipate while I continuously weaved through a sea of entrails.  This was also probably the first (and last) time I had seriously thought about the virtues of being a tree-huggin’, patchwork pants-wearin’ vegetarian – I don’t think seeing a bunch of potatoes splattered along the side of the highway would ruin my appetite for some mashed taters and gravy.
• Is there an “Uncle Leo” (or I guess Aunt Lea, if you prefer) in every family, or am I the only one who has to put up with this type of relative at every gathering?  If you recall Seinfeld episodes as vividly as I do, you’ll remember that Uncle Leo almost always talked about his son Jeffrey’s perceived accomplishments whenever he was around Jerry.  I understand being proud of your loin’s fruit, but from the way these relatives talk, you’d think their son becoming the day manager at Foot Locker is only one small step away from securing a CEO position at Nike.  They also pretend to be interested in what you’re doing by asking professional/personal questions; but this is just another way for them to talk about their kid, and subtly point out all the great things they have going for them as if it’s some kind of contest.  Example – Uncle Leo: “Hey Silky, are you dating anyone these days?”  Me: “Not at the moment, I was seeing this girl a little while…Uncle Leo: “Yea, well your cousin Jeffrey started dating this girl, and she is as pretty as any girl you’ll ever see.  She really likes him too.  They actually met at Foot Locker…by the way, did I tell you he just got promoted?”
• I usually don’t take pleasure in the misfortunes of others, but I hope the truth behind this Tiger Woods story is as juicy and sordid as I imagine it to be.  I guess it’s possible that Woods just plowed over a fire hydrant and hit a neighbor’s tree at 2:30 a.m. without the aid of drugs and/or alcohol - Florida police “didn’t think” alcohol was a factor, and apparently didn’t know they had access to these fancy little machines called breathalyzers.  Supposedly his wife broke out the back windshield of Tiger’s SUV with a golf club so she could “rescue” him; but the wreck didn’t cause any of the vehicle’s airbags to deploy, and the front end was not that badly damaged – which makes you wonder why she would use a Nike driver like it was the jaws of life, as opposed to just opening up one of the doors.  After Tiger was released from the hospital with “facial lacerations”, police came to the house to get statements from him and his wife Elin; but upon arriving, his wife said Tiger was “sleeping” and asked that they come back the next day - and amazingly, they agreed.  If a non-famous person crashed into some shit pulling out of their driveway at 2:30 in the morning and asked the police to come back another time, I’m pretty sure the outcome would involve handcuffs, a taser, and your own private room at the police station - after they finished laughing at your request to postpone police business because it’s nap time.  The most reasonable explanation, and one that is being reported on various news outlets, is that Tiger has been practicing his world famous stroke away from his home course.  Which makes sense, because it’s a lot easier to wreck pulling out of your driveway after an infuriated spouse scratches your face all to hell upon learning of your infidelity, smashes out the back window of your car as your pulling out of the garage, and chases you down the driveway screaming obscenities and waving a golf club around like it’s a medieval mace.  Then again, Tiger is 1/4 Chinese, so maybe his terrible driving isn’t just confined to a golf course tee box…