Happy Festivus

Many Christmases ago, a man by the name of Frank Costanza went to buy a doll for his son.  When he arrived at the store, there was only one left on the shelf; and just as Frank reached for it, so did another man.  A scuffle ensued, and as Mr. Constanza rained blows upon the mysterious shopper’s head, he realized there had to be another way.  Although the doll was destroyed during the melee, a new holiday was born: “A Festivus for the rest of us”.  Every holiday has its own traditions or rituals, and Festivus is no different in this respect.  The day of Festivus festivities begins on December 23rd with an unadorned (some people find tinsel to be distracting) aluminum pole being put on display in the house - aluminum was chosen due to its high strength-to-weight ratio.  In the evening, a celebratory dinner is served, which traditionally features turkey or ham, various side dishes, and a Pepperidge Farm cake topped with M&M’s for dessert.  Immediately after everyone is finished eating, the family gathers, usually around the Festivus pole, for the “Airing of the Grievances”.  This is a special time in which each individual gets an opportunity to tell their fellow family members all the different ways they have been a disappointment over the last year.  After everyone has finished with their verbal tirades, the night ends with a “Feats of Strength” contest.  This involves the head of the household challenging another person at the party to a wrestling match.  Festivus is not over until the challenger has the partriarch (or matriarch) pinned - which often causes temporary pain and permanent psychological scars.  If the person is able to walk away unharmed, you have witnessed what some would call ”A Festivus Miracle”.  I hope this brief history will enhance your Festivus experience – and if it didn’t, I’m gonna have a lot of problems with you people!