Kitty Crack

Emery Cat – www.emerycat.com – is the biggest breakthrough in cat care technology since the shotgun or the Litter Maid (Death and torture doesn’t always have to be so dark and evil.  NO BAD CAT JOKES WERE TOLD DURING THE WRITING OF THIS POST).  Any you, this thing looks like the ramp on a Hotwheels racetrack.  Instead of Cat Ramp, it is named Emery Cat because it has, “a catnip infused emery board.”  In other words, your cat will voluntarily file its own nails if you get it addicted to catnip.  As anyone who has had a cat, or sold a phony bag of dope knows, catnip is the feline equivalent to marijuana.  I bet if you looked at who holds the patent on this thing, it is probably a veterenarian and a Deadhead.  A devotee of Phish or Widespread Loonacy are also distinct possibilities.  As a one time special offer, if you act now, you’ll also receive a second Emery cat, two kitty toys, and a bag of Uncle Remus’ Cat Brownies made with real catnip butter.  Watching cats after they’ve filed a nail or two on the Emery Cat is like watching an all feline production of Up In Smoke.  A disclaimer at the bottom of the commericial said in pure auctioneer style: “Emery Cat should not be used by cats with respiratory problems and those allergic to the munchies.  A full bowl of food should also be accessible at any/all times when an Emery Cat is being used.  Emery Cat is not responsible for any weight increase, or increased paranoia your cat may experience after extended use of said Emery Cat.  And before using Emery Cat, the Allman Brother’s Mountain Jam should be playing at the appropriate volume for the cat using Emery Cat.  Please consult a veterenarian if your cat is too uncool, or not hip enough to use Emery Cat”.