Whatchu Talkin Bout Jesus?

I began researching a little ditty unlike anything Jack or Diane thought up in the heartland called “God v. The Yankees”.  Like most things I proliferate, I come up with the gist, slap a title on it and allow the dane bramaged surmisings to flow freer than urine from a freshly catheterized geezer.  In this case, I had to do more research than normal because I know less about the Bible than Quantum Physics or Quantum Leap.  I’ve never had the religious equivalent of the Encyclopedia Britannica’s Greatest Hits shoved down my throat.  I’ve never had a Jesusectomy I guess you could say.  Maybe “speaking in tongues” was the Biblical way of describing someone who spoke with an electro larynx like Ned from South Park?  I imagine some poor tunic, sandal and sash-wearin bastard who smoked too much Franken Since laced with Myrrh who had Adam’s apple removed would have to use a freshly caught, still flipping and flopping fish to express their love for the lord.

Anyway, while attempting to research whatever this Book said happened, but didn’t really go down, I quickly noticed that – before I could express my reasons as to why the NY Yankees would beat God and his 8 position players in a best-of-seven series – I really needed to point out of how fucking weird God/Jesus/Jeebus talked.  So with that being said, let’s get onto some Bible quotes, and my interpretations that will allegedly cause me to be rotisserie grilled for all eternity.  I guess Satan is a lot like Ron Popeil with that goddamn Showtime Rotisserie Oven (Who would’ve thought slowly giving a piece of meat vertigo would be so tasty?).  He’ll just set you, and forget you.

Quote #1:  “There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.”

Translation:  There was a dude from that joint with the wonderful wizard, and he was the first guy to ever mass produce rolling papers.  He could roll a perfectly symmetrical joint and didn’t have a caveman too close to his woodpile.  Job was scared as hell of anyone who told him what to do.  He also liked cashews and Twizzlers.

Analyzation:  Have you ever seen a place called Uz on the map?  If so, are there natural hot springs of licorice-flavored water found on this land?  Only a person who was stoned at the time of their child’s birth would name them Job.  This would be in homage to their favorite rolling paper of choice and to something they didn’t have.  Jamaicans don’t even name their kids Job - it would make sense if they had twins though, because then they could say, “I got two Jobs mon!”  I thought the whole story behind most of whatever is in there is that nobody is perfect.  Since they described the Doobie Brothers as perfect and upright, doesn’t that implicitly mean there were imperfect, horizontal folks in existence?  And what’s the deal with fearing God?  If he is the almighty, benevolent Kingdingaling, why in the hell should we all take off running like the Japanese at the first sight of Godzirra?  It’s like the philosophy is, “This shit went down like I said it did, and if you don’t believe me I’m going to beat the BeJesus out of you.”  It’s great that he had nothing to with evil.  You’d expect as much from the non-crawling embodiment of perfection.

Quote #2: “And the LORD said unto Satan, ’Whence comest thou?’  Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, ‘From going to and fro in the Earth, and from walking up and down it.”

Translation:  Jesus or his daddy asked the biggest badass on the block where he was coming from when he rolled up in their celestial crib.  Satan aka Lucifer or Beetlejuice, told them that he had been parlayin’ and runnin’ thangs while on vacation.  Then Beetlejuice said his feet hurt from all the walking.

Analyzation:  Whoever Doled this shit out must have eaten some bad pineapple.  I don’t even write shit that’s this hard to handle.  You’d need to know Sanskrit, Ebonics, and a touch of Klingon to understand what whoever meant by this.  Apparently whoever was a big fan of the HNIC – Head Noble in Charge – because they felt felt the need to use the quill plucked from a pterodactyl wing to get the biggest and boldest effect.  I particularly enjoy the “to and fro” part.  It implies that whoever went to the barber shop and decided that instead of getting a mow, they would just let their wig go all natural[1].  I guess people stepped in shit in biblical times too, because other than mud or snow, you don’t talk about walking up and down in anything.  Maybe Satan’s Biblicalstocks had turd residue all over them, and the LORD smelled it; he then asked what part of hell he had been in, and why his feet smelled like shit.