I Scream Thinking About Ice Cream

I admit it, I drank a chocolate milk shake last evening.  It’s not as puss as you think though.  I added a healthy dose of Tres Lechesto, which increased the the alcohol content from 20% whip cream to 17% alcohol.  You ought to try it sometime, maybe with some chocolate milk.  It is quite the breakfast beverage.  Anyway, while I was taking in some of the wonderful bounty that is milk, sugar, dextrose, some other kind of strose, chocolate flavoring, whip cream, cream liqueur, I began hypothecatin’.  I realized there are some galactically ignorant ice cream names out there that suggest more than their ingredient level doth say.  Be sure to read closely, because you don’t want any of this to melt in your hand.  And since there are so many brands to choose from, this will be at least a two-part post.

Klondike Bar: Who would you do at a Klondike Bar?  This staple of square vanilla ice cream covered in a delicious chocolate shell was apparently named after the place Alaskan lesbians go for a drink.  I think there was also a famous writer named John Klondike.  He wrote a bunch of books named after a rabbit – Breyer Rabbit no doubt.

Drumstick: This is either a utensil a bad fag uses to keep time, or slang for a Thanksgiving dinner with a big cock – Before I digest, what the hell is the deal with band folk wearing their hats like a gay Water Buffalo of the 3rd Degree with the freakin’ gobbler strap all up under their fart smeller?  A lot of band members I made fun of in high school were fat, but they didn’t have more chins than a Chinese phone contact list.  Incidentally, I guess all the fat jokes came back to roost in the form of my gut, but I’m still cooler fat and triple chinned than they were.  Plus, other than an Elvis jumpsuit, I’ve never rolled down the street in anything adorned with feathers, sequin, or lycra.

Blue Bunny: Who would name their brand of frozen cow bounty after a hard up glorified squirrel?  If you’re going to name a frosty milk-based confection after a Bug’s, then called it “Fuckin’ Like Rabbits”.  Think about it, their slogan could be, “Every time you turn around, there is another flavor.”

Astro Pops: As far as I can tell, these patriotic mouthsuckers are one of the only Tang-ible benefits of the space program.  Well, that and all of those Christa McAuliffe jokes – “Hey, what does this button do?”  You think Eazy-E and Dr. Dre were really part of N.W. Astro Pops?

Flav-Vor Ice: A goddamn popsicle named after that fuckin’ jerk who wore all the big clocks around his neck?  Yeeeeeeeaa Bwoiiiiiiy!  Any time you name a popsicle after a rapper who tried to hook up on VH1 with Ivan Drago’s ole bag, you’re trying to become public enemy number one.

Dippin’ Dots: My understanding is that these come in all types of different flavors, like Kodiak Dough, Skoal Strawberry, Bandit Chocolate Chip, and Wintergreen & Copenhagen Caramel.

Dreamsicles: This is one of the weirder of the weird.  A creamy orange treat named after a purchase the Grim Reaper put on layaway.  You can’t fault his Deathness for wanting a Dreamsicle5.0 with cushion grip, vibration dampener, and head guard.  He’ll be able to up his kill on the first swing ratio, and avoid a nasty case of tennis elbow at the same time.

Crunch Bar: You’ll have no memory after eating a half a Crunch Bar.  You’ll forget what you did for eight hours even quicker if you mix in a sixer of Stroh’s Ice Cream – I swear Stroh’s made ice cream.

That’s all for today, but be sure to tune in and drop out for another rich and creamy edition in the near future…