Whatchu Still Talkin Bout Jesus?
Here are some more quotes from the best-selling Book of all-time, and my twisted take on their intended meanings (Part I once was lost, but can now be found here).
Quote #3: “But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face.”
Translation: Use the hand that God gave you to red touch some poor bastard like a child molester with poison ivy on Mother Fun and Her Four Fun Fingers; and after you make like a Catholic priest, the molestee will cuss you like a Catholic hitting a closed liquor store on the way to Midnight Mass.
Analyzation: I guess they had the Biblical version of Chris Hanson and To Catch a Predator, because this sounds like a sting operation to me. Maybe it was called To Shackle the Unholy, and was hosted by the Apostle Entrapment. These Biblicaphiles should have known something was up the minute they jumped onto their mule to head to town. No descendant of the co-conspirator to the great Apple Eat Off In the Jungle would request overly fruity wine, an ounce of donkey snot, and some papyrus with pictures of detunic’d followers of the Word. I bet Father Pete O’Phelia made sure all his altar boys lived by the virtue of these words. This damn line seems to be saying you can jerk off guys at the the direction of God, and merely receive a cussing in return. There apparently was no sex offender registry back then. Maybe they had a “Recently Cussed List” posted all over hamlets to and fro throughout the Earth.
Quote #4: “After God (or Satan) kills Job’s first set of kids, he is given an even better set – with even prettier daughters!”
Translation: “After God (or Satan) kills Job’s first set of kids, he is given an even better set – with even prettier daughters!”
Analyzation: This nail wasn’t too hard to pull from the cross. Sometimes murders do giveth and taketh away. There were two main suspects in the murder of Job’s “first set of kids”, but there wasn’t enough evidence to charge either God or Satan. I guess God and Satan take into account the appearance of a kid – or set of kids – before they afflict them with a disease, strike them with lightning, or have them freakishly stabbed in the heart with a crucifix by the Crucifix Searcher. It is good to know that the alleged two most powerful beings in the sky like to break out a little Vulcan Death Pinch on an unsuspecting group of young ‘uns. If you thought all the “be good for goodness sake” and Santa Claus shit kept your yutes in line, imagine if you told them, “Be good for your life’s sake, because if thou isn’t, you will be killed and replaced with new and improved models.”
Well, that is all I can do for now, because a guy that hired me expects me to be prepared for his trial on Friday. “Innocent this, innocent that. I didn’t do this, I might have done that.” Having a license to do shit isn’t all it’s cracked up to be; because if you’re paid to do something, you have to actually do it. Sometimes my Job can be stressful. However, as long as I remember to walk upright, I should keep my suit from getting holes in the knees and being covered in dirt. Being an erectus heterosexual is half the battle. And with that, I’ll leave you with a biblically-related word and definition.
Sac-Religious: The act of praying to God you will not be hit in the sack by some foreign object, appendage, or piece of sports equipment that is seemingly headed towards your groin area.
