Dragon Ass

I am feeling under the weather and it is also Monday - which is a shittier combination than Ford and Fraser - but I wanted to briefly discuss a couple of things that I observed over the weekend.

I watched all four of the NFL playoff matchups, and with the exception of the San Diego and New York game, the whole two day event was a bigger letdown than the first time my pubescent eyes saw Jesse Spano sans clothes in Showgirls.  I think the NFL is the greatest professional sports league in the world, but there are also a few things that could be done to make it even better.  One thing I have always wondered is why the average age of NFL referees is about the same as that of Wal-Mart greeters.  It is common knowledge that today’s players are “bigger, faster, and stronger”, so why would you pick individuals that are “shrinking, slowing, and weakening” with each passing day to call games (two exceptions to this rule would be Ed Hercules and Hary Caray’s brother from another mother)?  I was previously unaware of what it took to become a professional referee in the NFL; but I would guess all you need is an AARP card, a front butt, liver spots, and a swollen prostate.  If this trend continues, I see a John Travolta/Robin Williams movie spin-off coming in the near future.

As time passes, I find myself accessing my Facebook profile less and less, mostly because of all the verbal diarhea that is splattered all over this page at any given moment.  As a matter of fact, I would be willing to say that at least 80% of all things that my “friends” on FB share in cyberspace falls into two distinct categories: TMI (Too Much Information) & NEI (Not Enough Information) – both of which are equally annoying.  The following quotes were posted as actual status updates over the weekend, and illustrate my point to the T – Nothing was changed grammatically, but the actual names have been omitted to protect the ignorant:

TMI:
“well today i am having a hard hard feeling about picking up the soap today. boy is it a shitty day here in the pen.” I would say the double “hard” was just a Freudian slip.

“Totally thought I just jizzed in my pants, but it was just gum.” A perfectly natural and embarassing occurence for men, but mildly surprising when it comes from a female .

“My dog ___ just ate my daughter’s umbilical cord.  Yep, I’m not kidding.” File this under things nobody would ever want to be made aware of…ever.

NEI:
“I am the one calling in your brain.” I thought this might be a song lyric, but after further review, it appears to just be the inane ramblings of a borderline psychotic. 

“Had an interesting ride to church. Two hole to see out of down a long winding road.” This person apparently attended morning service at an undisclosed location, and was transported in a wooden animal crate of some kind – but I guess we’ll never know what the interesting part was. 

“8 1/2 inches “ Posted by a female who has rather high expectations, and most likely a self-conscious significant other at home.