D.W.I. (Driving While Ignorant)

As I’ve said a few times before, it takes quite a bit before my anger sharks start swimming over the course of a given day.  One glaring exception to this rule are the moments when I am entrenched behind the wheel of my automobile.  A lot of people will say they are the cream of the drop top when it comes to driving - I would be one, but my driving record as a teenager won’t allow me to make that claim in good conscience.  There are few people who will admit to being bad drivers, even if all the warning signs point to that conclusion.  So as a service to all motorists, I will continue to profile the different types of bad drivers who grind my gears on my daily commute.  My hope is that this will either convey a message to other drivers in that “you’re not alone” kind of way, or more importantly, it may help someone come to grips with the fact that they are one of these pains in my assholes.

Mr./Mrs. Right of Way – This is the term that’s attributed to inconsiderate drivers who seem to think the law of the lanes don’t apply to them.  You will often find these kings/queens of the road engaged in activities like merging without looking, switching lanes and cutting people off in bumper-to-bumper traffic, pulling the “slow-down, hesitation half-stop” at four-way intersections, and getting pissed at other drivers when they are the ones who fucked shit up in the first place.

Titanium Foot – This person is the opposite of a driver with a “lead foot”, and they spend most of their time directly in front of me doing 10-15 mph under the posted speed limit for no apparent reason.  When you combine this with their love for continuously hitting the brake pedal, you have one of the most irritating drivers known to me. These people drive like three-toed sloths fuck, except there’s no climax at the end of their trip to make it worthwhile.  If you happen to encounter one of these drivers when it’s raining or snowing, I recommend turning up some easy listening muzak, putting your car into neutral, and idling safely until you reach your destination.

Rubberneckers-  Getting caught in a traffic jam is an everyday thing for big city folk, but for small town hilljacks like me, this occurrence only happens every so often.  After being stuck for a few minutes like a fat kid in a school desk, your first maneuver is to swerve to either side of the road, or get out of your car to see if you can spot the obstruction(s).  All you end up seeing is more cars and brake lights, so then you scour the local radio stations for a traffic report – which is never on when you want it to be.  Once 30 mins. passes with little progress, morbid and inhumane thoughts like “there better be bodies and car parts littered all over the road” usually start to creep into my head.  Then, as if by magic, traffic gradually begins to move faster and before you know it, you’re into the clear like Marion Jones.  While these stoppages are sometimes caused by a wreck in your immediate path, a majority of the delay can be attributed to other drivers who feel the need to get a long look at the wreck or pile up on the side of, or across the road.  I can only assume that most people have somewhere to be when they’re driving, but a rubbernecker’s responsibilities apparently take a back seat to twisted metal and human suffering.  Another possible explanation is that their lives are so incredibly uneventful, they have to live vicariously through other people’s fender benders - plus it gives them an opportunity to break their record of 267 consecutive days of boring their friends, family, and co-workers with small talk about the weather.