Ax, and You Shall Receive
The wonders of Adobe Photoshop never cease to amaze me.
Unlike Dr. Kevorkian, I don’t normally do requests. My nuttiness has to flow naturally from the depths – or shallowness as the case may be – of the oversized, overgreased, slightly dented gourd that I have on top of my Stretch Armstrong. However, every so often, something out of the ordinary – like an unwed Methodist – goes down. A mere number of hours ago, a person who I knew in the real world (but only became meaningful friends with after joing SpaceFace) requested that I address the topic of Nadya Suleman. I sent her a message back saying something along the lines of: ”Isn’t this the name that Gozer said when Sigourney Weaver opened the refrigerator in Ghostbusters?” and “I don’t nadya what you mean.” While I didn’t recognize the name off hand, I did some googling and found out that this is the fetal artist formerly known as the Octomom.
If you’ve been brain dead, or in an iron lung without cable and internet for the past year, she was the Angelina Jolie wannabe-via-plastic surgery that turkey basted her way into famousity by giving birth to 8 yutes who were the product of a process more artificial than Mickey Rourke from the hairline down. Well last week marked the one year anniversary of the birth of her little publicity stunts, and it looks like her 15 minutes of fame has been granted an extension. So like a Police boat in the East River, I am going to dredge up her rotting carcass from the depths of anonymity once again.
Like every nobody who the media makes into somebody, Ole’ Nadya has her own Wikipedia entry. I was looking over it, and found this choice line to be particularly enjoyable: “Suleman, who was unmarried, unemployed and on public assistance programs, conveived the octuplets and her six older children via in-vitro fertilization (IVF) with the participation of a male friend who provided donor sperm and is the biological father.” I always wondered how this unmarried, unemployed, public-assisted woman came up with the money to flavor inject herself once, much less the seven other times she needed to come up with all those dependents (it’s tax season). Does California public aid include in-vitro? Did the Governator slip this in one of their bills, and no one but this woman – who is apparently either more fertile than a Chia Pet on Miracle Grow, or luckier than Lance Armstrong’s other testicle – figured it out? If this chick was allowed to keep on comin’ back to the in-vitro pipeline, are there tentuplet moms out there we haven’t heard about because they have actual jobs at bowling alleys setting up pins? California is scary man.
Wikipedia also just told me she received a worker’s comp claim of $165,000.00 from busting her back while working as a psychiatric technician back in 2001 – that sounds like she changed the tires on cars that belonged to crazy people. So that explains where some of the money for all of her tune ups and “fuel injections” came from. She apparently graduated from Cal State Fullerton with a B.S. in child and adolescent development in 2006 as well. I’m guessing her thesis was on the development of Baby #2 and how it was dealing with the impending birth of its sister, Baby # 3 - which it would surely love. Clearly, this chic just had these children to try and make some easy money. She wanted to be the “Plus 8″ and forgot about the other 6, John, and Kate. She’s also apparently a nut because Wikipedia says – so you know it’s true – that she plans to return to school sometime in the near future. Return to school? Unless that means she’s going to Billy Madison it up and go back through preschool-12th grade with the youngest of her 14 kids, when in the hell is there going to be time to go back to school? I mean with 8 kids and that many diapers, baths, feedings and such, all this woman should want to do is sleep. Instead she hired a PR firm. I think she was offered $1 mil to star in a porno by Vivid Entertainment at one time too. If that ever happens – and when her craving for fame returns, it most surely will - I am guessing the title will be something like “Behind the Octomom”, “8’s are Wild”, or maybe ”Eight Wasn’t Enough”.
