Poppycock Porn
(The title of the post is not a genre of porn…as far as I know)
I’m not gonna sit here and type some shit about how I’ve never looked at porn before. If you have access to the Internet and have ever had some alone time, you’ve clicked your way through a myriad of websites looking for something you’ll find handy. Maybe you get carpet tunnel or club thumb from big tits, huge schlongs, MILFS, BBW’s, POV’s or something called bukakke. I have no fucking clue, literally. I could care less, seriously. All of this helper with your hamburger may seem silicony, painful, cougarish, fatty, POWish (I have no idea what POV stands for so I had to improvise) or eye-stingy to you. While another man or group of peoples may find it more sexy than scenes from Tranny Ramirez and the Green Monster. Of course, there are Internet predators who show up at Chris Hanson’s house with lube, wine coolers and Happy Meals. Then you’ve got people Who claim their viewing Internet porn was “research” for a book. We could have all pre-dick-ted Pete Townshend was a pedophile by that song and “rock opera” about the retard who was a badass pinball player. I’ll bet Pete would love to run into a deaf and dumb blind kid who sure could play with his balls.
My hatred of The Who and rock operas aside, watching Internet porn at work can cause the floor underneath your desk to look like a DNA bomb under a black light. It can cause more paper than just the little square ones to become sticky notes. It may also cause your co-workers to think twice about putting cream in their coffee. The endless are possibilities. Butt worst of awl, it can allow computer plagues to get into your system. These viruses or worms, as the case may have or could be, can totally fuck up your think box. Sumbitch won’t turn on, and if it does, it takes longer than your grandmother to make a left turn at a red light off a one way street onto another one way street. When it does come on, you might not be able to get into your programs, or all your shit may have been erased like a misspelled word on the paper of a 4thGrader cheater at the spelling bee – It happens more than you think, maybe Chris Hanson could do an expose on that shit. Whereas my computer don’t got know computer Hard Drive Flu or nuthin, I do get my fair share of fucked up emails that are a mix of gibberish and porn lingo.
For instance, Laurena Lucita sent me a world wide webular missive telling me “Irirrresistible Slults Heeidi May” less than an hour ago. First thing you notice about this email is that Laurena is a fucking liar. With Engrish like that, she’s obviousry rum eh Chineese spreaking countree. There’s more proof. Look at the title of the email. That shit is written in such a way, you’d expect to find it in a porno fortune cookie. It’s like a prediction of what is to come in my life. Sure you need Indiana Jones, the Raiders and the kid from Transformers to decipher it; but even then you’d realize that if she’d lie to you about where she’s from, she’ll lie to you about what is to come.
Keeley ricki wanted to let me know “Naughty Mom Letts This Hand”. These e-porners have less of a grip on grammar than they hope to instill on the readers’ cocks. If you’re going to go out on the sexy, older chick porn limb, just go with the obvious and known “Cougar” or “MILF”. It is so much easier. That is porn lingo that is translatable without the use of Rosetta Stone between every language. I have no idea why these titles end in such strange ways either. It’s like you’re wondering if this is some kind of fetish where the mom is naughty because she’s a descendant of the Addam’s Family, and likes to keep severed hands about the crib. You think so? Aw hell, who knows?
I got an urgent email from Directorate Ro…. Telling me that somewhere out there was a “Blonde Gi rlBlow ing”. I felt like I got forwarded a porn email by a college professor when I saw this cat’s name. Either that, or he is the Porn Czar for some kind of Communist country. I don’t know if the bastard just doesn’t understand English, or if he was sampling the product when he typed that subject line. I mean, he got Blonde right with no problem. Then for whatever reason, he seems to imply that a military man is getting his rocks off. I guess rlBlow could be a porn star who took his name from that funky cool geezer musician R.L. Burnside. Or, rlblow could be describing that area between your upper and lower arm that allows it to bend. Now “ing” makes me wonder if this video went down during one of them old school Chinese Dynasties. I ain’t talking bout no fucking prime time soap opera fool. I’m talkin’ bout those years back in China’s day when they had all those dynasties with an ing-like sound in them. For instance, you’ve got your Ming, Qing, Jin and – my personal favorite – Tang Dynasties. The origin of this potential orgasm is a tough one. You may have to consult the host or hostess at your favorite buffet to solve this riddle wrapped inside of an egg roll.
I got an email today from dxqjhkry@neu telling me “GirlVeryMuchToLikeHugeBlac….” If you called this guy on the phone to ask him where the Very Much Girl To Like Huge Blac was, how in the fuck would you even ask for him? He’s like Prince of the porn world. Instead of coming up with a symbol only Pharaohs could pronounce, he spells his name like a Mormon radio station with a call letter for each of the DJ’s wives. This cat’s email is at “neu”. I don’t know if you could get to that destination with a dot net or dot org. This is like encrypted porn. You’d need to activate an Apache Indian from WWII to get a shot at figuring out how to invite this guy over for dinner. Not that you’d want to. But, if you did, you couldn’t. That is my point.
I have no idea how I know steffane anetta, but she emailed today to tell me “Anilooss Rebecca Remooves”. That sounds like a line from some vacuum commercial endorsed by the white-eyed daughter of Daddy Warbucks. Aniloos could also be a medical term for the inability to keep from farting. Maybe it is a way of saying that someone cracked a Whippet in a closed air room, and you should get ready for the 10 second high that is about to be smacked down on your ass. Now Remooves is what makes me go back to the vacuum or cleaner type vibe. Maybe Rebecca is the Oxiclean of porn stars, and nothing stains her. It’s a mystery.
Finally, Claude Jacobsen wanted to tell me that “HornyTeeninPinkHadShowsHer”. I never knew purveyors of porn had so much trouble with run-on sentences. While that subject doesn’t completely make sense, at least all the words are spelled wright. I think this maybe the porn version of that movie where the ugly red headed chick with glasses gets the hot football player with the fancy car. I’ll bet gin to juice it is more likely a HornyTeeninPinkHadShowsHer happens than that line of cinematic bullshit ever would.
And finally for a second time, Arlana Inger wanted me to see an “IIdniianChick Gets Drilled.” I’m assuming this is of the dot persuasion, not feather nor a hottie from a Midwestern state. It’s Pornobollywood I guess. I bet if you got to see this chick from wherever get drilled, the talking and moaning would be in that annoying, high-pitched, “la la la la” sound, and thered would probably be a Ravi Shankar cover band butchering his tunes in the background.
