Getting The Girl Scout Shaft

So I signed into my instant messaging account this morning, and noticed a little ad in the bottom corner that said something like “It’s almost Girl Scout Cookie time again! Click Here.”  I don’t think there is anyone who makes a better sweet treat than these little do-gooders; but I haven’t been able to buy any in the 12+ years I’ve lived on my own, because they have never shown up at my doorstep to do bidness.  It’s like my name and house number is listed on some registry that Chris Hanson compiled during his stint on NBC.  Yet every year, I always see co-workers and acquaintances who have somehow managed to gather stockpiles of Samoas, and troves of Tagalongs.  So I accessed my bank account online to see how much cheddar could be spent on various mixtures of flour and sugar, and then clicked on the link fully expecting that I’d be able to satisfy my sweet tooth (and probably help one lucky girl go to Hawai’i or some shit) via the world wide web.  

After clicking on the link, I was sent to a page called the “Cookie Locator” and asked to give my zip code.  After entering the digits, another prompt came up saying the local Girl Scout Council would help me place an order; they then asked for my email, first name, and phone number.  Given this line of questioning, I assumed that they were going to either email me an order form, or call and see how many truckloads of cookies they could put me down for.  To say I was disappointed with the outcome that resulted from this inquiry is an understatement.  Instead of letting me order, two options were given: 1) Email the Girl Scouts using cookies@gswrc.org, and they would “attempt to connect me to a local group in my neighborhood”, or 2) They would help me find the nearest council office, and I could just walk up in there and buy whatever they had.  I didn’t think the first option would work for me.  Even if there was a group in my neighborhood, it’s apparent they either don’t care about selling any cookies (seeing as how I’ve had as many leprechauns come to my door as Girl Scouts), or they have overweight relatives who buy up all their inventory before it has a chance to hit the streets.  The second option was pretty reasonable, since I had gone to further lengths than a simple cookie commute to satisfy my sweet teeth before – not like sucking penasia (Louis C.K.’s plural for penis) for a Klondike Bar, but I’ve logged a few late night miles.  However, the whole point you were supposed to derive from this long-winded setup is that I can’t fathom why you wouldn’t try to sell a popular product like this online. 

I wanted to know if there was any explanation for this lack of technological scout savvy, so I decided to go to the Girl Scout’s website – it was there that I found some interesting quotes that only served to deepen this meaningless mystery.  One of the first things I discovered was, “Americans purchase approximately 200 million boxes of Girl Scout Cookies each year”, and “The Girl Scout Cookie Program is the leading business and economic literacy program for girls.”  Imagine how many more cookies they could sell, and how many more little girls could read if the organization chose to enter the ecommerce arena.  I understand wanting to keep with long-standing traditions, and the whole “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality; but why wouldn’t you want to sell as much as possible when the money you’re raising goes towards a charitable cause?  This would be like Jerry Lewis shutting down his telethon phone lines after an hour, because he thought the Muscular Dystrophy Association already received enough cash to help find a cure. 

The next head scratcher of a statement I came across was, “Girl Scouts use 21st-century business skills.” – this is like the KKK saying, “The Klan practices 21st Century bigotry and discrimination”.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure people have been ordering products online since the 20th century.  I guess the HGSIC thinks the whole virtual marketplace fad isn’t gonna last; so they’re looking towards what business will be like in 2100 when the machines revolt, and society turns into something out of a Mad Max movie.  Finally, it was near the bottom of the page where I encountered a quote that made as much sense as casting Keanu Reeves for the role of some British guy.  It read exactly as follows: *** For the safety and security of the girls who are selling cookies, Girl Scout Cookies are not available for purchase online.***  So how is going door-to-door, or setting up a booth somewhere, less of a threat than anonymously slangin cookies via the interwebs exactly?  What is unsafe and not secure about this scenario?  The only way I can see that it would be less safe, is if their idea of online sales involved a drop-down menu where you got to choose a picture of which little girl you’d like to have deliver the cookies.  But even if that were the case, all they’d have to do is send some Dateline cameras along with them, and BAM!  Now you’ve not only got some brand recognition, but your organization is also the focal point of a new hit reality show on NBC – “To Catch a Cookie Monster”.