Hater Hall of Shame: John Mayer Edition

(Looks like someone could use more fiber in their diet)

John Mayer, Born October 16, 1977

John Mayer was born in Bridgeport, Connecticut, and is the second of three children born to Richard and Margaret Mayer.  He grew up in Fairfield, CT and his first experience with music came in middle school when he began playing the skin flute, I mean, clarinet.  Mayer claims that seeing Marty McFly rock the Enchantment Under The Sea dance was what first drew him to the guitar, which eventually led to his father renting one for John’s 13th birthday.  Not long after he picked up an axe, one of Mayer’s neighbors introduced the teenager to the music of Stevie Ray Vaughan.  He instantly became a big fan of the blues as a result of hearing Vaughan’s face-melting riffs, and soon began taking lessons from a local guitar shop owner.  John’s newfound desire to become an accomplished musician consumed an inordinate amount of his time, and this obsession ultimately led to his parents taking him to see a psychiatrist – while I am sure the shrink uncovered a number of deep-seeded problems, none of them related to his love of music.  He went on to attend Fairfield High School, but left his junior year to enroll at the Center for Global Studies at Brien McMahon High School in Norwalk.  After high school, Mayer wanted to skip college so that he could pursue a career in music, but pressure from his parents swayed him into attending college.  After only two semesters at the Berklee College of Music in Boston, MA, he moved to Atlanta at the urging of a friend named Clay Cook; they would go on to form a band called the Lo-Fi Masters, and Cook co-wrote some of Mayer’s early solo releases.

This is usually the part where I would summarize John Mayer’s musical career up until this point, but to be honest, I think he has already received more than enough accolades for his unbelievably lame love songs – I admit he is a talented blues guitarist, but I also believe that particular talent has largely gone to waste.  What I really want to focus on is Mayer’s uncanny ability to say idiotic things in very public settings, which will clearly showcase why he is more than deserving of today’s enshrinement into the Hater Hall of Shame.

• When asked in a 2010 issue of Playboy if black women threw themselves at him, Mayer’s reply was, “I don’t think I open myself to it.  My dick is sort of like a white supremacist.  I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock.”
• Uhhh, can I get a translator?  Preferably someone who is fluent in Douche: “I don’t jerk off because I’m horny.  I’m sort of half-chick.  It’s like District 9.  I can fire alien weapons.  I can insert a tampon.  No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath.  It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”
• In my opinion, he doesn’t really have to try: “Sometimes I get so bold and I’m so confident about what I’m doing that I actually try to be more of a dork, because it’s a really liberating feeling to experience what it’s like to not care.”
• This quote reminds me of one of my favorite sayings, “Wish in one hand and shit in the other, then see which one fills up first”: “Sometimes I wish that I was the weather, you’d bring me up in conversation forever. And when it rained, I’d be the talk of the day.”
• Irrefutable proof that John Mayer’s favorite movie is Forrest Gump (and that he’s like, totally a valley girl at heart): “Life is like a box of crayons.  Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you’re really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back.  I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I’ve got a few missing.  It’s ok though, because I’ve got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal...I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes…so when I meet someone who’s an 8-color type… I’m like, ‘hey girl, magenta!’ and she’s like, ‘oh, you mean purple!’ and she goes off on her purple thing, and I’m like, ‘no – I want magenta!’”

Unless you care about what comedian Kumail Nanjiani did in 2009, fast forward to the 4:20 mark for some Mayer bashing:

John Mayer II:

I have to have a little respect for someone who can make fun of themselves, but having respect and liking the guy don’t have to go hand-in-hand: