I Can See Alaska From My House
The other day while flipping through the guide on my cable box, I noticed the FX channel (which I believe is owned by the foreign guy from Cocktails and the sheriff in Rambo) was showing The Simpsons. So, I tuned in thinking it was going to be a new reality show about O.J. and his cellmate at the Lovelock Correctional Center – that is the real name of the prison that’s currently squeezin the Juice. As you can imagine, I was mildly disappointed to find out it was actually the theatrical debut of everyone’s favorite animated family; but since I had not seen it yet, I decided to watch a little bit. There is one part where the Simpsons tear out for Alaska after Homer’s pig shit silo causes the town to be put under a dome, and everyone soon discovers he’s the one to blame. Whereas that movie is the closest I’ve ever came to Alaska – unless you consider the extremely deep holes I dug in the field next to my parent’s house when I was a kid – they seem to be making fun of it.
Apparently – according to the movie – there are a lot of swilled back Eskimos in Alaska. What’s wrong with that? As long as they can continue to make their pies, who gives a damn about their blood alcohol level? They never say what the swill of choice for said equivalent to frozen Native Americans is though. Crazy Horse malt liquor is an obvious choice, but I really don’t think anyone other than jockeys with psychological problems drink that stuff. Thunderbird was apparently a Native American icon, a shitty wine, and an even shittier overpriced auto all that same time. If I had to guess, I’d imagine Wild Turkey is probably on the menu. Hopefully it isn’t drank only during one time of the year, and there are not any need for tags and permits; but Alaska probably has funky laws considering they are off to themselves, and closer to Canada than Windsor’s strip clubs and casinos are to Detroit. A map can teach you a lot, especially if you’re talking about locales of strip clubs and it is topographical. Emphasis on “graphical”.
Whether Sarah Palin was drunk when she accepted John McCain’s invitation to be his vice presidental candidate, or John McCain was drunk when he decided to ask her to be his vice presidential candidate is moot at this point. The real question in my mind is, “Is the average Alaskan politician as hot as Tina Fey portrayed them?” I mean, it is understandable if the majority of them are good looking, be they a chief, a squaw of caucasion, or of actual Eskimo decent. They have like six months a year of darkness to stay inside, away from the punishing and age highlighting rays of the sun, so you know they get their big primpin’ on. And are all teenage Alaskan girls as frisky as Tina Fey as Sarah Palin’s daughter? The excuse could be they were just “makin heat” – as opposed to bacon – to stay warm and things got out of hand – well, I think the proper term for that skinario would be “things got in hand”, as opposed to outta hand. All I know from the little bit I do know is that – judging on the number of kids the Palin women have produced – Alaskan women like to do a little dance, make a little love, and get down in their igloo’s most nights.
What are those weirdass lights called? Aura Bore Re Alice, or somethin like that? Basically, it’s like nature’s version of colorful tracers. If my memory serves me, those lights can lead to cop on cop crime, and a bunch of sleep depravation – based on what happened to Al Pacino a few years back. Hell, it even drove Robin Williams to not being funny – some people would say that wasn’t much of a stretch – and homicidal. Thank god that chick who likes to act like she’s a man was Al’s partner, otherwise no one would have figured it out. According to my sources, that happens during time of the year when it’s dark constantly, and everyone is getting drunk. If you base you’re theories about a part of the country/world off an irreverent cartoon, thIS is the type of theories you come up with. “Alaska: If it weren’t so fuckin’ cold, we wouldn’t be so goddamn drunk.” I think that is a bumper sticker I heard about seeing in Alaska.
