The Book of George

I went to a local bookstore this weekend, and while rummaging through the bargain bin I picked up An Orgy of George – which is a box set of comedian George Carlin’s three books: Brain Droppings, Napalm & Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?  After reading a hundred or so pages of the first book yesterday, I can safely say this purchase was by far the best eight dollars that I ever spent.  Over a year ago when this blog first started, I chose Carlin as the first person to be inducted into the disreputable and fictional Hater Hall of Fame, for reasons that shouldn’t have to be explained.  However, looking back I don’t believe there is any way one measly post (and that particular one was definitely minimal) could ever sum up the greatness of arguably the funniest, and most thought-provoking comedian in the course of human history.  So to pay my respects, I am going to do a recurring post that consists solely of Carlin’s infinite words of wisdom every Monday – starting today, and ending whenever I have plagiarized all the material from his books.  There are a lot of people who look towards the “good book” for inspiration and guidance, but I prefer The Book of George:

“Things That Are Pissing Me Off”

“Haven’t we had about enough of this cigar smoking shit? When are these fat, arrogant, overfed, white-collar business criminals going to extinguish their cigars and move along to their next abomination?

Soft, white, business pussies suckin’ on a big brown dick.  That’s all it is, folks, a big brown dick.  You know, Freud used to say, ‘Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.’  Yeah?  Well, somtimes it’s a big brown dick!  With a fat, criminal-business asshole sucking on the end of it!

But, hey.  The news is not all bad for me.  Not all bad.  Want to hear the good part?  Cancer of the mouth.  Good!  Fuck ‘em!  Makes me happy; it’s an attractive disease.  So light up suspender man, and suck that smoke deep down into your empty suit.  And blow it out your ass you miserable cocksucker.”

“What is all this nonsense about angels?  Do you realize three out of four Americans now believe in angels?  What are they, fuckin stupid?  Has everyone lost their goddamn minds?

Angels, my ass!  You know what I think it is?  I think it’s a massive, collective, chemical flashback from all the drugs – all the drugs! – smoked, swallowed, snorted, and shot up by all Americans from 1960 to 2000.  Forty years of adulterated street drugs will get you some fuckin’ angels my friend!

Angels, shit.  What about goblins?  Doesn’t anybody believe in goblins?  And zombies.  Where the fuck all are the zombies?  That’s the trouble with zombies, they’re unreliable.  I say if you’re gonna buy that angel bullshit, you may as well go for the goblin-zombie package as well.”

“Plugging Along”

“Don’t go pulling any plugs on me, either.  That’s another bunch of macho bullshit floating around.  People talkin’ about, ‘Aw, just pull the plug on me.  If I’m comatose?  Lyin there like a vegetable?  Just go ahead and pull the plug.’

And I say, FUCK YOU! LEAVE MY PLUG ALONE!!  Get an extension cord for my plug!  I want everything you got: tubes, cords, plugs, probes, electrodes, IVs.  You find I got an orifice that’s not bein’ used, stick a fuckin tube in it.  Vegetable, shit!  I don’t care if I look like an artichoke.  Save my ass!

If you ever find out I’m comatose just remember there are three things I gotta have: ice cream, morphine, and TV.  Give me the ice cream about every two hours; give me that morphine about, oh, every ten minutes; and turn on the fuckin TV!!  I wanna watch Survivor!

And don’t be comin’ to visit me, either.  I got no time for live people.  I’m brain-dead, here.  Ain’t you people got no respect for the brain-dead?  Hey, you gotta be brain-dead to watch Survivor! in the first place; you might as well watch it when you’re clinically brain-dead.

Now, one more thought concerning this comatose stuff.  This might come in handy someday.  If you know a homosexual who is comatose, remember, you can always comfort his family by saying, ‘Look at it this way, folks.  He was a fruit, now he’s a vegetable.  At least he’s still in the produce section.”