Lifestyles of the Rich and Brainless

(The resemblance is uncanny)

It is nothing new for celebrities to take legal action against companies when they feel their image/likeness has been used without their permission; but I would be very surprised if there is a precedent for the recent suit Lindsay Lohan has filed against the makers of a popular commercial.  Per an article on MSNBC:

Lindsay Lohan has sued E*Trade Financial Corp for $100 million, saying the “milkaholic” baby girl who appeared in a recent commercial was modeled after her.  Lohan alleged that the online brokerage’s use of the girl, also named Lindsay, in the ad improperly invoked her “likeness, name, characterization, and personality” without permission, violating her right of privacy…the 23-year-old actress sought $50 million of compensatory damages and $50 million of exemplary damages.  She has also demanded that E*Trade stop running the ad and turn over all copies to her.

First, how insecure/egotistical/self-conscious/paranoid/crazy do you have to be to see a graphically enhanced infant on a commercial for approximately two seconds (who says two words), and automatically think it is modeled after your “likeness, name, characterization, and personality”?  I don’t know about you, but I would be worried about more than just a lawsuit if I thought a baby had both my likeness and personality – either real or imaginary.  Now if the little E*Trade girl appeared in the camera frame with a face full of freckles, a cig hanging out of her mouth with a visible cocaine ring around her nostrils, and flashed her fire crotch to the viewing audience, I could see where Lohan might have a legitimate argument.

Now of the four things that Lohan is basing her claim on, the only one with any merit is that they both share the same name.  According to some site that I’m ashamed I visited, Lindsay has ranked as one of the top 200 girls’ names from the 1970′s to the 90′s.  Not to mention that there are over a dozen different variations in regards to how this handle can be spelled.  According to the census, there are over 143 million women in the United States alone; so let’s say 1 of every 250 girls born in the states is named Lindsay (or some derivation thereof).  If my math is correct, and it probably isn’t, that means there are currently over 57,000 girls/women in the U.S. with that name – now there’s a class action lawsuit just waiting to happen.  But according to Stephanie Ovadia, Lohan’s lawyer, Lindsay has “the same ‘single-name’ recognition as celebrities like Oprah Winfrey and Madonna.”  After reading this comparison, there should be no doubt in anyone’s mind that this no-talent, freckled ginger thinks a little too highly of herself.  As far as the baby name game goes, the stats on how many Oprahs and Madonnas there are in America were nowhere to be found - it’s probably somewhere in that fabled “one in a million” range. I am also not sure how the measuring stick for this sort of thing works in a court of law, but wouldn’t most jurors probably have a hard time putting the star of Freaky Friday & Herbie: Fully Loaded in the same class with a woman who is worth $2.5 billion dollars, and the most successful female recording artist of all-time?  That’s just like, my opinion, man.   

If by some chance Lohan does happen to win this lawsuit, I foresee a rash of future litigious actions being taken by other “celebrities” who now feel they also have a case.  Here are just a few examples that I could think of off the top of my head:

• Carl Weathers sues the creator of The Simpsons, claiming their character Carl is obviously a tribute to him.
• John Mayer will sue the Oscar Mayer Weiner corporation, citing several similarities between their hot dogs and his genitalia.
• Vin Diesel will take on several of the large oil corporations for modeling a grade of gasoline after him.
• Kanye West will file a suit against the Rand-McNally corporation for putting his last name on all of their road atlases, maps, and globes.
• Paris Hilton will file a lawsuit against the government of Paris, France for like, totally naming their city after her.