The Truth Isn’t Out There

(Silky: I feel like shite, so here is a blast from Mr. Smith’s writing past for you to enjoy again- or for the first time if you’re a newcomer to the site.) 

The X-Files prided their X’s on convincing the masses that tuned in every week that Scully and Mulder’s eXploits were based on some form of the truth.  If you bought into the theory that anything one of those shows were based on was even a tad bit factual, you’re dumb enough to believe the FBI would hire two people named “Scully” and “Mulder”, and then make them partners.  That’s almost as dumb as putting two people named David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson in a TV show together.  Well, that may be the only true thing you can take away from that paragraph.

Believing in stuff never gets you anywhere other than wherever you got yourself.  You can attribute your success or failures to bad luck, karma, mojo or a pissed off higher being, but that ain’t got nothin’ to do with nun of it.  The only thing you can believe in that is real is yourself.  Now, you may cause your own bad luck by continually breakin’ into convenient stores with the same M.O. (see H.I. McDunnough and the fact that he only met his wife because she took all of his booking photos after his being arrested EVERY time he robbed a store).  ”The sun don’t rise and set with the corner grocery store,” somebody once said to him.

You can cause yourself bad karma by stepping on bugs, killing things and eating animals according to Hindus; who also worship something with a bunch of arms named Vishnu.  They’ve got a thing for mystical elephants as well – if I remember correctly from the two semesters of Asian Philosophy that I had to take in college, because I got a D the first time (For the record for whoever is recording, I got an A- the second time).  Them fools don’t have to believe in that karma shit to understand their problems.  If you go around killing bugs, inevitably, you’re not going to be looking at what you’re doing and you’ll fall in a hole, get run over or possibly electrify your innards.  Not paying attention is the number one fiscal flaw out there.  Killing things will get you injured or killed yourself, because sharp objects or projectiles – and from my experiences, a lot of alcohol – are in abundant supply.  And anytime you mix any of those with humans, you may have yourself a mini-crusade.  Swords, pocket knives and bayonets don’t seem that harmful until some Knight Who Says Ni, pissed off redneck, or French & Indian War veteran are trying to behead, stick or shiv ya.  Now in terms of an elephant, the more you fool around with those things, the bigger chance you have of being an wet spot underneath their foot after being tusked by their ivory.  Maybe that is what that Fleetwood Mac song is all about?  You’ve all been on YouTube and searched for videos under the terms “elephants gone wild”.  I’ll bet a bushel of peanuts that you came up with scores of videos of those big, non-forgetting, mouse frightened bastards putting their gourds down and tearing out from all three rings and turning everything into a multi-ton circus.  None of these happenings have to do with your failure to believe.  They all have to do with your failure to believe an intuition that proximity to dangerous shit can equal pain or death.

Some people buy into the “it’s God’s will” theory of looking at shit.  Those people either have a whole lot of money or none at all.  If anything, I’d like to be in God’s will.  If you buy into it, he could theologically leave you the pearly gates, box seats in Heaven, or a deceptively evil Apple tree in an otherwise beautiful peace of property he owns.  He’d probably make Jesus the executor though, and if you buy into all that, you’d be screwed; because he’d be able to turn pleadings into orders, and if there was a will contest lawsuit, what jury is going to rule against a guy that walks on water into the courtroom?  Whereas it may seem futile, as a lawyer I’d say if you feel as though you’ve been left out of God’s will and want to challenge Joseph & Mary’s son’s take, file a will contest.  You probably wouldn’t be able to pick a jury though.  The judge prior to any trial asks all the participants to stand up, and asks them if anyone knows them or their family.  Who hasn’t heard of Jesus?  Next to the Beatles, he’s pretty damn popular.  After all the mistrials due to the inability to pick a fair and impartial jury, I’d file for a DNA test.  You know you’ve got him by the sandals then.  That shit is coming back mortal, and you’ve got yourself a good ole fashioned family dispute screwin’.  Talk about something you can believe in.

I think some militant strain of Muslims believes in some theory that – if you kill yourself in a jihad for Islam – you will go to heaven and be rewarded with 72 virgins.  What is so weird about this – other than everything about it – is that the number of amateurs is so specific.  I mean it’s like you die, and you’re up there using an abacus or calculator on your iPhone to make sure you don’t get screwed.  I guess 70 means blowing yourself up was blown way out of proportion.  Another thing strange about believing in this theory is that you’d believe you were being rewarded by being given custody of virgins.  If you’re going to blow yourself up in the name of Allah, you should be rewarded with ahere whole mess of pornstars from such educational sites as “Big Naturals”.  You don’t want a gaggle of chicks that you have to splain thangs to.  Less talky talky and more……(Fill in you’re own sacrilegious remark . I’ve always thought sacrilegious means when a man prays that he doesn’t get hit in the balls).

In terms of the big picture, it’s like having a favorite team in professional sports that sucks for extended periods of time (or forever). Cubs fans can believe that the Cubs exist, but after that, they don’t have much goin’ for them – besides knowing they are going to suck every year, and choke at some point.  But believing in the Cubs is more reliable than the 3:00 a.m. pee a man with an enlarged prostate takes, so I can understand.  To be clear, I’m not against anybody believing in nothin’.  And by nothin’, I mean somethin’.  Believing in either nothin’ or somethin’ is purely a personal decision, so you’ve just got to believe you are making the right call and go with it.  Be sure to pick a winner, or you can try to cover all your bases before the game is over.