What’s the Deal?

I would contend that Seinfeld is the greatest sitcom throughout the course of TV history, and there honestly isn’t a close second that I can even think of right now.  Although the show really wasn’t about nothing as it claimed, it did illustrate how trivial, commonplace interactions or events that take place in real life can be funnier than any situation you could make up – like say, a foreign sheepherder moving in with his uptight American cousin or anything involving a domestic worker and the family they take care of (see Mr. Belvedere, Charles in Charge, The Nanny, etc.) Anyway, while the so-called star of the show was Jerry Seinfeld, I’ve said before that he is actually one of my least favorite characters from the ensemble cast.  But one of his parts that I always enjoyed were the comedy club scenes where he would often end or begin jokes with quips like “Who are these people?” and “What’s the deal?”  Since these are also questions that often go through my mind all the time, I have decided to try my hand at a little observational humor.  So, (in my best Seinfeld voice) “What’s the deal with”…

• all these shows about little people?  You have Little People, Big World, The Little Couple, Dwarf Adoption Story, Little Chocolatiers, Our Little Life, and probably more that I failed to mention – but if you ask me, one show is still one too many.  Why is a miniature full grown adult still so captivating to viewing audiences?  It’s not like this is the 1600′s, and people still think little people are born as a result of some curse, witchcraft, or an angry god.  These mini-me’s have the exact same lives as anyone else; the only difference is that they occasionally have to deal with problems adults who break the 5 foot barrier don’t face, such as: their disappointment with the theme park experience, reaching the expensive/regional items at the top of grocery shelves, and dealing with old people constantly gawking at them.  Why not create a reality show about something more rare than people with a simple genetic mutation, like Native Americans maybe.
• re-enactment actors hardly ever looking like the people they are portraying?  A show that I often watch on NatGeo (the new, hip way to say National Geographic) called Locked Up Abroad always use these types of actors, and mix in interviews with the real person who went through their own personal hell.  It is rare that they ever match up very well, even in terms of basic physical characteristics.  They interview some mammoth pockmarked English lady with bad teeth about her keistering a heroin-filled Trojan in Tijuana, and then re-enact the situation with some chick who looks like Charlize Theron.  The stories do flashback in time, but Schwarzenegger and DeVito were more believable twins than the actors playing these people.  Plus, most people buy into the belief that everyone has a “doppleganger” somewhere and I have found that to be true; there are many times when I meet new people and my first thought is, “Who does he look like?” – and other times when I am told, “You look just like this other person I know.”  Opting to go with realistic body doubles for shows like Locked Up Abroad that use re-enactors would also help out those who could normally only get a part in zombie movies, Lane Bryant/Casual Male XL commercials, or the sequel to Precious.
• the multitude of products that would historically be considered effeminate products now being directed towards the male population?  Body washes, face creams, body sprays, skin lotions, hair gels, fad diets, detergents that remove pit stains, skinny jeans, low calorie beers.  I am not one of these macho meatheads that sits atop his manly high horse, but all of this stuff seems a little “foo-foo” even by my standards.  Guys at their core are really nothing more than sweaty, stinky, sex-crazed apes who have lost their fur and toe fingers – and they used to take pride in that fact.  Now the metrosexual movement has swept through America, and all you have to do is go to a local bar, look around, and take a big whiff to see it in action.  You will see guys with neatly trimmed line beards, a perfectly quaffed bed head, pink and purple polos with popped collars, and the stench of Axe products wafting through the air – and judging from the caliber of women I have seen on the arms of these guys, it appears that this style appeals to the opposite sex.  Well like I always say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.  That’s why I am currently developing a new line of daily testicle-care products with two purposes in mind – possible names are Cojones Cream, Teste Tamer, or Sparkling Sac.  The first of course is to help get ladies, because that’s what most guys care about anyway – and no guy wants to worry about what they smell like south of the equator, or see a “Is that rotten eggs?” expression on some girl’s face if you’re in line for a trouser-friendly kiss.  The second, and more important purpose is for the guy himself.  The daily wash with Sparkling Sac will require that you specifically target the nether region with cleanliness in mind, which in turn will also make you physically touch them everyday to ensure that you do indeed still have a pair.