Hater Hall of Fame: Jim Norton Edition

James “Jim” Norton Jr, Born July 19, 1968

James Joseph Norton, Jr. was born in Bayonne, New Jersey to a couple who had coitus nine or so months before July 19th.  That’s about all I was able to find out about his family life, besides that he was once a member of a street gang called “The Lords.”  Norton’s desire to become a comic started at age 12, after he saw the “Richard Pryor: Live in Concert” comedy special.  Then in 1990 at age 22, he finally got his first chance at a paying stand-up gig with the help of fellow comic Jim Florentine (of Crank Yankers fame).  Since his Wiki bio is boring and doesn’t give much insight into what type of guy/comedian he is, I will let Norton explain everything you’d ever want to know – and some things you never wanted to know.  First, here’s some Q&A from a survey that can be found on his MySpace page under “Tell Me About Yourself”:

Name: Jim “The Carrier” Norton
Birthplace: Dropped unceremoniously onto a bath mat during a coughing fit.
Eye Color: Bloody-stool brown
Hair Color: Brown, speckled with thick, cakey dandruff
Current Location: Closer to a grammar school than allowed by law.
Your Best Physical Feature: My taint.
Do You Think You are Attractive: Yes, when compared with burn victims.
Right- or Left-handed: Tug with my right, bag tickle with my left.
Your Most Overused Phrase on an Instant Messenger: “Your ass looks amazing in those diapers.”
Do You Smoke: Only when babysitting
Do You Get Motion Sickness: Only when riding fat girls.
Do You Like Thunderstorms: Yes, because they cause youngsters to huddle under my covers.
Do You Play an Instrument: I play spoons and the rape whistle.
In the Past Month have you drank: No, but I’ve purchased it for minors.
In the Past Month have you eaten sushi: No, but I store it in my girlfriend’s underpants.
In the Past Month have you stolen anything: 2 babies and a prosthetic testicle.
Ever shoplifted: I smuggled a gerbil out of the store without using my hands.
What country would you most like to visit: Wyoming

And here is Jim Norton’s biography in his own words:

I was sitting in my apartment, looking at my naked body in a mirror and contemplating suicide. My manager called and informed me that I need to update my bio. I have always detested bios written in the ‘third person.’ Every performer either writes or approves his or her bio. Third person makes it seem like a bunch of people got together to discuss the performer’s wonderfulness and just had to write it down for the world to see.

I also loathe the wording in a lot of bios. I did not “burst on to the scene”, nor do I leave crowds “rolling in the aisles”, “on the edge of their seats”, or “gasping for air”. Some nights I kill, other nights the crowd wants to gut me with a fishing knife. I am a relatively amusing guy in a child molesting/stomach cancer kind of way.

Being pegged as an ‘angry comic’ truly makes me want to vomit. To me the only labels in comedy that matter are ‘funny’, ‘original’ and ‘hack’. By original I don’t mean so weird that Andy Kaufman wouldn’t get it, and by hack I mean the next comic who writes a girl fart joke should have his writing hand smashed with a mallet. There is no subject I won’t make fun of (with the exception, of course, of girl farts). This has nothing to do with integrity, it’s because smelling them gives me an erection.

I am 5’7, 160 lbs with brown hair, brown eyes and have a torso with the muscle tone of a retarded boy’s tongue. I enjoy dining out, dancing and receiving yellow discipline from black prostitutes. Judi Brown of the Aspen Comedy Festival said, “He’s so brutally honest. He’s very refreshing in a business where a lot of people are phony.” That is probably the nicest compliment I have received as a performer.

You can read all the mundane, boring shit on Norton’s Wikipedia page if you want to learn more about him – but really, what else could you possibly want to know?  He currently serves as a co-host on XM radio’s The Opie and Anthony Show, and is touring across the country, spreading his unique perspective to the masses.

Norton performs on Jimmy Kimmel for one of the most uptight audiences in the history of late night television:

From his stand-up special “Monster Rain” (Language is NSFW):

(Hit Red play button, close pop-up, hit green play button)

More Jim Norton videos on YouTube