Hater Hall of Shame Watch
Every so often I will search for current news stories or projects involving previous inductees into the Hater Hall of Shame, and check out their latest highly publicized crimes against humanity – or probably more fitting, crimes against celebrity. While I have already made my case as to why these public figures deserve to be regarded with the utmost disdain, these types of stories can’t help but strengthen my argument. Today’s featured pairing includes one of the highest paid/brokest actors in Hollywood, and another “actor” who fell ass backwards into fame – he would later fall genitalia forward into one of the hottest cougars on the planet.
The Animal Husbandry Diet
Actor Nicolas Cage’s troubles with the IRS (he owes $17 million in back taxes) and his thrifty spending (he reportedly bought 22 new cars, 3 new mansions worth $33 million, and a rare dinosaur skull over the course of one year) have been well-documented lately. Yet up until this point, all of Cage’s limited number of fans have been kept in the dark with regards to how the actor maintains his svelte figure, while still managing to keep that psychotic look in his eyes. Well, thanks to one of the United Kingdom’s (Britain, not a section of Disney World) most popular newspapers, The Sun, those handful of people don’t have to wonder any longer. As it turns out, Cage’s diet is not based on a reduced intake of fat, counting carbs, or cutting down on the sweets. No, his daily sustenance is dependent on one thing only – animal mating habits, or as Maude Lebowski might say, coitus. That’s right, according to Cage himself, he only eats animals if they do the nasty in a civilized way. “I have a fascination with fish, birds, whales – sentient life – insects, reptiles”…”I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex.” The 46 year-old actor goes on to say, “I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds”…”But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.” Can you even classify the way fish reproduce as sex? A lot of female fish just lay their eggs somewhere safe, and then simply wait for a male to swim by and skeet, skeet his fish fertilizer all over them. What the hell is so “dignified” about that? It just sounds like the underwater equivalent to the human adult film genre known as bukakke in my book. And what’s Cage’s big problem with pig sex? Sure, they may roll around in their own feces, and it may not be a big blockbuster production like the New Guinea Birds of Paradise mating ritual; but you don’t see their high-falutin’ asses being the basis as a slang term for sex either – ie “makin’ bacon”.
True Killers’ Lies
When Ashton Kutcher is not on his hands and knees thanking his lucky stars for all the undeserved fame and female accompaniment that’s been bestowed upon him, he is still apparently being chosen to act in shitty box-office bombs – including one that suspiciously looked, and sounded like an all-male adult film. I’ve said before that one of the worse genre of movies is the remake (with a few exceptions, Scarface for example); but I neglected to mention another similar, yet subversive style that you often find in today’s film industry. When you’re as old as me and have seen as many movies as I have, there are times when you see a “new” trailer and think, “That looks/sounds a lot like (insert older movie title of the same ilk).” For instance, like many people, I absolutely loved the comedy movie Tropic Thunder; but when you get down to brass tacks, it turns out that story is really nothing more than an updated and slightly modified version of the ¡Three Amigos! (think about it). The same lack of originality can be attributed to an upcoming action chick flick that stars Kutcher and the chick who Seth Rogen once knocked up, the inaptly titled Killers. According to Wikipedia, the plot summary goes something like this: A hot blonde on the rebound meets an attractive, single mimbo while on vacation with her parents. The two fall sappily in love, get married, and think they have found the perfect mate. I know this sounds like every chick flick ever made so far, but as if it was directed by M. Night Shamalamadingdon, there’s a twist! It turns out that Kutcher is actually a CIA agent who spends his days tracking down bad guys (sounds more like a nightmare), but his new bride is totally oblivious to this “double life.” Hmmm, that storyline sounds awfully familiar…
Hopefully this is the only thing these two actors will ever have in common – if Ashton ever turns into Governor Kutcher, I’m booking a one way ticket out of the country.
