Be Careful of Sharpton Objects
(I wrote this shortly after Michael Jackson “shook his body [down to the ground]“ for the last time, but never put it on the site for whatever reason. Since Friday is the one-year anniversary of his demise, I’ve decided to revive it before all the other tributes inevitably begin.)
It all started with the man who uttered that most offensive of phrases (which also allowed Eddie Murphy to mine comedic gold), and now that man has jumped into the free advertising frenzy for all involved with the King of Pop’s death. Yep, Al “Not Quite The” Sharpton “Knife in The Drawer” has been tagged by someone in the Jackson inner circle, and has now entered the ring. Admittedly, I did not know and still haven’t got much of a clue about the religiousness – not to be confused with litigiousness, which is practiced and followed by a large number of people in its own right – of Thriller or the Jackson family as a whole, but it seems like they sure have “reverended up” since all of this went down.
He who called NYC “Hymie Town” was the first one on the scene. The head of the Rainbow Coalition- Jesse Jackson Jr. – then came to town with scores of other people looking for leprechauns, pots of gold and flags denoting whether or not an establishment was gay friendly. The Rainbow Coalition’s name always seems to confuse some people. I guess there is some kind of big spotlight with a cross in the center of it that the Jacksons pointed into the sky to call Triple J for help. Either that, or he was jesusmailed to the scene over the world wide webular using rent_a_reverend@yahoo.com.
I’m still not quite sure why the Jacksons who haven’t beat it have a need for spiritual advising? Pretty much every religion is going to agree that Mike is dead. Now maybe a Hindu could give them some religious leeway as to whether or not MJ’s caring for Emmanuel Lewis or that chimp helped his karma – and will keep him from coming back in his next life as a chameleon – but only Boy George would truly know that. Maybe Jess Jack Jr was called in to give an official religious opinion as to whether or not MJ was indeed dead? The whole Easter thing could have confused the Jacksons maybe, I don’t know. One way you could tell is if they had hid a bunch of colored eggs around Neverland Ranch before he got there. If Triple J was seen entering into the premises with a bunch of wicker-looking baskets, you can bet your penis to a tractor pull that was the case.
Apparently having one Rev. – as they like to be abbreviated – around wasn’t enough. MJ was larger than life, and therefore his demise calls for the presence of a Rev. that was formerly larger than Tom Arnold’s former wife. Yep, you guessed it. Break out the raspy voice and be prepared to start getting yelled at about how MJ’s death was racially motivated, because the Rev. Al Sharpton has officially thrown his preacher collar into the hat on behalf of the Jackson Family.
Upon entering the funeral dirge, which began before the sure-to-be sequined casket could be picked out, R.A.S. let it be known that, religously speaking, the Jackson Family was planning several global celebrations of his life. Sharpton said he “planned to meet with the family he planned to spiritually advise.” And as we all know, meeting your reverend is one of the last steps towards attaining total spiritual harmony. R.A.S. said the family is frustrated by the multitude of media coverage regarding MJ’s “problems”, and they want to make sure he is remembered more for his contributions to music and culture.
I can dig what Rev. Sharp and the Jackson Family is wanting the rest of us to stick our finger in for a taste in this situation. That being typed, there is a not so blurry, thick bold line between what one wants and the truth. Why they would call RAS to straighten out the media and try to gloss over any of MJ’s alleged pill-popping and kiddie-diddlin’, I have no clue. If you had any chance at pulling that off, you would need one of those flashy things from the Men In Black movies and a pair of Ray-Bans, not a loud mouth, quasi-respected reverend.
I understand why those whom loved and admired him don’t want all that brought up again – like the loogie that didn’t quite make it all the way out – but you aren’t going to do anyone any justice by trying to act like those things never allegedly happened. The Jacksons are only going to make the coverage of these alleged events worse by allowing loud mouths like RAS to publicly state that they doesn’t want the media to focus on what they are focusing on, by focusing on your official statement through the R.A.S. This is Hyperbole 101. We’re through the looking glass here people.
I haven’t seen RAS give any statements or make any comments about the necessity of the second autopsy that was apparently performed today. Triple J previously said the Jacksons want to try to figure out what, if any, role the actions of the cardiologist who was with MJ during his final hours had on the un-thrilling result. Seemingly, they are looking into what type of reality-be-gone substances may have been flowing through his veins, and if this doctor prescribed said substances. Word is, if MJ was doped up by pills this doctor prescribed him, the Jacksons are gonna’ be startin’ somethin’. Yeah, yeah.
I’ve read the Jacksons are chapped that it may take up to six weeks for the medical examiner’s findings as to the cause of death to be found, so to speak. In other words, they’re rich and if the state can’t figure out what killed MJ expeditiously and for free, then they’re going to hire their own saw bones to do the figurin’ for them. Thank God MJ’s former lawyer Johnny Cochran isn’t still able to be retained – unless you consider being in a casket as being “retained” – regarding this whole autopsy process. If that was the case, having to wait for “results” would have turned into a bigger fiasco than it is already headed towards becoming. Cochran probably would have played the rarely seen “White Supremacist Pathologist card.” I can hear it now, “You know it wasn’t pills, that Aryan doctor is lyin’ through his gills.”
It’s sad that this has become, and is headed towards what it will be. Sure, MJ probably went over the recommended dosage on a bunch of prescription meds to which he should have never had the pharmaceutical address. There’s also clearly some type of cloud lingering around the children’s amusement park in his front yard, but all in all, Michael Jackson WILL BE remembered most for his music – because he was never convicted of a crime, and time causes most people to have a memory worse than mine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion about his significance to either music or the need for a sex offender registry, but that is your call. It’s one that is easier to make and you don’t need to dial long distance if none of your children or family were involved in those allegations. If they were, I’m quite sure you’ve got a different opinion of MJ, think “Beat It” was about something completely different altogether, and have a much more substantial bank account.
The guy never touched me, he was never convicted of anything, he paid his debt to the families involved for not being liable for anything, was a great performer and has been great for making people laugh for the last 40 years. That being said, I still don’t know why his family needs the spiritual advice of religion’s equivalent to the World Wrestling Tag Team Champions. None would be enough, one is too many, and two just makes things a whole lot louder and worse.
Aside: If you’re an impressionist and you die, do they check your wallet to make sure it is you before calling the family of the person you impersonated? For instance, if Tina Fey got hit by a truck, do you think Sarah Palin’s family would be put on hold until they could get the driver’s license out of her tire-marked purse?
Keep thinking good thoughts, and eventually you’ll die happy. It doesn’t insure painlessness, just obliviousness.
