What’s That TV? I Can’t Hear You
Like an oil conglomerate’s head honcho finishing last in a yacht race, I’ve bitched and moaned about the “one infrared beam” fits-all remote I apparently wanted and received for the most insightful of all hippie’s DOB. Whether you recall or recan’t, I laminated the fact I was given a piece of technology in the spirit of facilitation, but was ultimately subjected to it thwarting my television viewing enjoyment. Combining stuff into one centralized thing seems good – like squishing two huge boobs into one, in order to insure maximum playability – but it don’t always work out that way. This remote is like the Tranny of remote technology. It has all the parts. It looks ordinary at first, but then becomes scary due to its ability to “all-in-one” it up. Every time I try to change the fucking channel, the microwave starts popping a sack of Orville’s finest and the refrigerator takes a leak. Technology. Is there anything it can’t make harder?
To further frustrate the few moments of non-work related activity I have had as of current – fyi, don’t ever fucking schedule a trial near your son’s birthday, which is right before a social worker is going to scope out your home for the potential purchasing of childrens – the sound bar I also did not know I wanted but received during the same seasonal customary exchange of baubles blew its equivalent of a nut string during a power outage three days past. The local media and people unable to face the fact they need to lay off the book referred to it as a “Brownout”. I don’t particularly dig this term, because it sounds like a term for the results of an unsuccessful colonoscopy. Of concourse, it could also mean the dude with the beagle just fell narcolepsied out. When the juice came back on, it overpowered my speaker bar. Fried it. I used all the technologically ignorant tricks I knew to repair it – unplugging, off and oning, cussing and beating – and it went nowhere. When I came to grips with the fact that the sound bar would be closed, until someone from Best Buy’s nerdery was able to poindexter on over, I attempted what I thought was a rational move. Hold your toke hear people. Add that orchestra jingle that signifies groundbreaking movements. I manually manipulated the volume button! A blue box popped up, and said such a move was “not available”. Basically, my TV blue box blocked my attempt to hear what my eyes were telling me.
So, I’ve been sitting here for two days changing channels, and going through the television garden with no sound whatsoever. I’ve discovered that movies I thought were stupid with sound are even more fucking stupid without it. Now, that may be because I’m goddamn dumb enough to watch TV without sound or, at the very least, subtitles. Whichever leaves more pegs on the Cracker Barrel triangle, I am going to surmise what may or may not be on the following channels that I’m currently banned from audibly enjoying:
431 WSIL, Jimmy Kimmel Live – Even more unfunny when you can’t hear it.
424 DSCHD, Deadliest Catch - Documentary on piranha noodlers.
420 USAHD, Royal Pains – A look at the most strategically timed farts in the history the British Monarchy.
411 PLDHD, SoulStage – Live streaming video from the Don Cornelius Theatre Company. Tonight’s presentation, An Afro and a Nubian.
407 TNTHD, CSI:NY – W.T.F.?
419 STZHD, 40 Days and 40 Nights – A movie about the drinking habits of the people who live in Compton.
416 HBOHD, GasLand - Beano’s attempt at using propaganda to further its anti-flatulence agenda a la Reefer Madness.
417 MAXHD, Heaven’s Prisoners - A show filmed entirely with a hidden camera during Midnight Mass at a local Mary Mart.
177 TVGN, The Object of My Affection – Formerly known as Masturbators Weekly. This week’s episode discusses the pros and cons of wrist braces, and the best methods for shaving your palms with limited vision.
233 WPSDR, Paid Programming – Stories about people who lost their lives trying to set up a universal remote.
147 GAC, Drafting Partners – An expose of how Mormons pick their 4th through 10 wives. Gertie Mehelgahay was this year’s No. 1 Polygamy Pick.
132 NICK2, George Lopez - Hispanic this. Unfunny Hispanic that. Yeah we fucking get it, you’re Mexican. Those indiscriminating chuckle fucks Bob & Tom are partly to blame for this unfunnychanga’s rise to fame.
152 ENCA, Safari 3000 - Two nerdy robots riding in the back of a sport utility vehicle through the planes of Africa, bantering about in a language that only basement dwellers and Comic-Con regulars understand.
432 WPSDD, Last Call with Carson Daly – Much like this guy’s fame, reasons for success and apparent appeal to anyone who is not a 13 year-old girl, I haven’t a fucking clue. I don’t think Ryan Seacrest gets it either.
47 Syfy, Highlander – A sitcom based on the hilarity that ensues after the purchase of one of those Weird U. V.’s made by Toyota.
99 VH1, You’re Cut Off! – A look at bits, and more specifically piece(s), of the life and times of John Wayne Bobbit.
243 EWTN, Life on the Rock – An examination of a particularly scorching case of herpes that almost caused Dwayne Johnson to pull out of the championship title bout at WrestleMania 82. Or, the biography of Tyrone Biggums.
