Headuh-lines
Yesterday I went to one of the retail chains that sells pet related wares, and the sign on the front door said, “Well-behaved, leashed pets allowed” – or something to that effect. Then, there was another sentence below in parentheses that read: (Must be accompanied by owner). So, my plans for just bringing my dog into the store one day, and leaving it there to roam the aisles with its leash on while I go to the grocery had to be changed. And I don’t even want to get into the whole semantics game – “What if I am watching the dog while its owner is out of town?” Anyway, this is just one of the many examples you find in everyday life that illustrates how stupid certain people think we – as in the general public – are. Watch any commercial that revolves around something unbelievable, like some guy flipping his car to get a can of Mountain Dew back, and the words “Do not attempt” inevitably appear at the bottom of the screen. Advertisers have been the worst offenders by far, but I am starting to see more headlines and articles on the Internet everyday that are as obvious as an erection in sweatpants. Although they may not be as viscerally absurd as their product endorsing counterpart, the underlying theme is still the same: Our society is turning into an idiocracy (and the end results won’t be funny as Mike Judge led you to believe). Here are a couple of stories that provide further evidence to support this hypothesis.
Headline: “How Kate Middleton’s Life Will Change If She Marries Prince William,” via Life & Style Magazine
I will openly admit to not knowing shit about the United Kingdom’s Royal Family, outside of the fact that they are rich and famous purely because of their bloodlines. After a little research, I found that the country technically operates under a constitutional monarchy; this basically means the Royal Family is the face of the country, and Parliament is the brains that run it. The royals get to live rent free in lavish mansions with hired help who are there to accommodate their every need, all of their travel expenses are paid for, and pretty much everything else they would ever want, whenever they want, is free of charge. So, it’s not hard to imagine how a person who is not of the royal persuasion’s life would change after marrying a Prince – I mean, we’ve all seen Coming to America…and if you haven’t, go slam your head into the closest wall. Yet, the article insists on quantifying this change to really make the rest of us feel insignificant. According to some British journalist, if the two marry, this chick will essentially inherit: an art collection worth $15 billion, the crown jewels, an Audi and her own driver, a few castles, over 300 other different properties across the country, and perhaps most importantly, “Kate’s status as a fashion icon will skyrocket.” If you want to know more pointless details about how much this chick’s life will change by marrying a future king, then you’ll have to buy this month’s issue of Life & Style. After you’re finished reading all about it, my next suggestion would be to go out and get a life of your own. (Article)
Headline: “Aging Swingers at High STD Risk” via Bloomsburg Business Week
“A Dutch study has found that swingers — heterosexual adults who engage in partner swapping or attend sex clubs for couples — have rates of sexually transmitted diseases comparable to teenagers and gay or bisexual men, both considered high-risk groups for catching herpes, HIV and chlamydia, among other infections.” I would classify the previous “research findings” as something that should be universally understood. A logical person would think – even without empirical evidence – that having sex with random people on a somewhat regular basis for x amount of years is highly conducive to transmitting sexual diseases. Yet the scientists felt they had to do research to produce these predictable findings, and then fancify it up by saying something like, “Concurrent sex partners, or having sexual contact with more than one person at a time or in rapid succession, promotes the spread of STDs…The study suggests there may be a lot more people engaging in this behavior than we are aware of, and they seem to be an at-risk group for STDs.” No shit. What’s the next pressing issue researchers are going to begin studying? I wouldn’t be surprised to see future groundbreaking scientific headlines like, “Albinos Have a High Risk of Skin Cancer.” (Article)
