Human Cruelty
Before I grew up – those who nude me in high school would probably say I have grown more “out” than “up”, whereas I prefer to say I look like the guy who ate me in high school – I remember Archie Bunker’s daughter coming on TV without All in her Family, crying and begging people to donate money to some foundation that helps out poor children in foreign countries. I actually remember her being the same size as her TV persona when I first saw the commercials, and then, by what I recall to be the end of its run, she had started to expand as much as the foundation’s fund raising efforts. I believe, by the end, they were showing informational films to the villages/tribes/click-click speaking people by getting Sally to wear to white pants, and strategically placing a doughnut on the ground for her to bend over and pick up.
Before and since Sally, there have been numerous celebrities to get involved with causes; they come onto the screen and ask you to separate dead presidents from dead bovine, and put a forever stamp to use. Obviously, unless any of these foundations have been found to be hornswagglin’ the funds or, I don’t know, using them to pay their directors bonuses like AIG after it got the bailout bucks This is great work that they do if they’re out there making these peoples lives better, and/or the proverbial making a difference that’s the point of what they’re pushin’.
Well, today, I was watching something on Comcast Digital Cable called the UHD channel with my wife and son. Well, actually I was reading the Courious Journal. They were watching that movie with Dennis Quaid as a knight who doesn’t say ni, and a dragon who sounds a lot like the old James Bond when he looked like Sean Connery. Due to my engrossment in the article, I was too poor to pay attention to the flick. However, during the first commercial break, out of nowhere, Constanza appears. But it wasn’t the Costanza or Independent George we all new and loved – nor was it the skinnier George that I’ve come to hate. It was the serious version who was completely upset about animal abuse somewhere. I could handle that, because I’m not down with nobody torturin’ no animals. Just like Miracle Whip, I don’t believe in it. Chickens, sure. A yardbird used to chase me around my parent’s house growing up, and I had to be shown by my pops what the term “kickin’ chicken” truly meant to get that bastard to back off. Anyway, I wasn’t against his message. One of my problems was his delivery. He was so serious and deadpan, it was unreal. I mean, I’m not saying you can make cruelty to animals funny somehow; but I also don’t think you should act like you’re wearing a vice on your jubilees, and your fingernails will be pulled out if you scrub a line when asking for donations. They also showed a bunch of awful pictures of injured and sick animals. I know the point is to pull at your heart strings, but all that does is make me want to change the channel. It isn’t the gross out factor, it’s the “I can’t stand to see something in that much pain” factor. I am willing to take their word for it. I don’t think the ASPCA is going to lie to me, and tell me that Fido the Labrador had three cataracts in his four eyes, and needs my donation for his emergency surgery. Just tell me the truth, and I’ll most likely give you some dough. These commercials were like a minute and a half long too. I wanted the ASPCA commercial to go off ASAP every time it came on (Accidentally, my mom is an accountant, and growing up, I thought she was an ASPCA at one time).
When Constanza wasn’t making me feel terrible for not calling and giving the ASPCA my bank account #, Roseanne’s television sister was on there asking for $$$ for some group that raises $$$ for foreign children in need. Once again, a 100% worthy cause and I support it 110%. I give to these type of things both through my business and personally, as does my wife. But Aunt Jackie was putting the heat on, by telling you the story of this cute approximately 12 year-old who’s parent’s died, and now couldn’t go to school because he had to care for his younger brothers. And as if that wasn’t gut wrenching and terrible enough, they panned out to a view of him looking at a picture of his mother, and then he began to cry. CAUTION: I am about to sound like a conservative talk show host due to my anger. I feel about as weird about it as you do. Please don’t be alarmed. We’ll be back to normal shortly. I mean, this kid has been through enough hell and I understand using him as the face of the organization to get saps like me to give you money. But WHY in the holy hell would you set up this phony fucking scenario where he looks at his dead mother’s photo and cries? His true story alone is enough, so why did these philanthropists feel the need to push him to tears for the cameras? This would be like telling Forrest Gump, “Well, your life is almost good enough for a book or a movie, but do you think maybe your kid could either be maimed or killed in a car wreck? At this point, we just don’t know if it’s emotional enough.” Yeah right. Stalin would have felt compassion for this kid. Hitler would have told his people to send a check if he had seen the commercial before the crying ever even started. The crying was just pandering, and was bull shit for torturing that kid unless he was an actor.
How did that even get set up in the first place? “So hey, uh, we got a lot of great footage of you walking barefoot for miles to get food for your brothers, plus hours of footage of you taking care of them. And the other day when you killed that lion that tried to eat your youngest brother while walking him to school, that was great; but, we just feel like we need something else We’ve got an idea, OK?” God, I just remembered they also showed a shot of him holding one brother, standing next to the other, visiting his father’s grave while Roseanne’s sister said he did so for inspiration, or something like that. I noticed these people who were doing the filming never seemed to be handing him medicine, a sandwich, a frame for that treasured picture, or even a headstone for his father’s grave. But, I guess none of these things fit in with the vision for the commercial. Maybe they really took care of this kid off camera. I don’t know.
I just don’t get the idea of having to soup up the sadness for an already terrible story, as if there is some magical scale in which specific ratings translate to what type of donation amount will come in. My theory is just tell the kid’s story, and let the donations fall where they may. If you have to gussie up charity work, I think you’re already in trouble. Working for charity isn’t supposed to be pretty or glamorous. You’re supposed to get down and dirty, and work your ass off doing it with the expectation of gaining nothing but self satisfaction out of it. These commercials attempt to get lazy bastards like myself to feel bad about (A) the person, and (B) myself for not actually working for the charity, so that I’ll donate more. (B) is almost always going to work because – outside of my actual job – I’m pretty worthless. When I’m not at work and in my home, I’m like a smaller version of a cross between Fat Elvis and Jabba the Hut. There isn’t a chick chained to me or anything, but I do take a lot of pills (seizure meds), speak in gibberish (you’ve read this haven’t you?) and tend to sweat and slobber a lot. They are also successful with (A), but they lose points when they over dramatize. It doesn’t make you feel less bad about the person, but it does make you turn the channel instead of watching it any further, turn it off when it comes back on, and/or donate less than you otherwise would have.
Just stick with how bad things really were/are, and don’t turn the commercial/request for $$$ into something straight outta Days of Our Lives, where you are expecting Stefano to come snatch the picture out of the crying kid’s hand and tear it up at any moment.
