The Expendables

No, this isn’t going to be a post about the big budget, star-packed movie that will hit theaters in a couple weeks.  Although I do have quite a few thoughts on this 80′s throwback action flick, like what kind of mind-bending plot viewing audiences can expect, or what Steven Seagal and JCVD think about being the odd men out.  I’d also like to know where the Eyetalian Stallion got the seeds for those beanstalks that appear to be growing under his skin.  But the following list contains another group of people I could easily go the rest of my life without seeing – with the exception of Squeegee Lo, aka Terry Crewes, who should have a part in every movie.  This is not comprehensive, so other apples of my ire will be expended in the future.

• People who refer to their car by its brand or model name.  This is almost always reserved for individuals who own a high-end automobile that is supposed to somehow convey a notion of the owner’s self-worth.  An example would be, “I had to take my Porsche to the Porsche dealer today, because there was a seatbelt recall on all 2010 Porsche models.  Even the Porsche 911 Carrera RS’s, like the one I own.”  On the other hand, normal people like myself just say, “I had to take my car/truck to the shop again, because it’s a piece of shit.”  If you encounter someone like this, try turning the tables on them and see how they like to hear a story involving a similar preoccupation with specificity:  “Well, I woke up late this morning to the sounds of my Casio alarm clock, so I jumped in my American Standard shower with Irish Spring and Pantene Pro-V in hand.  Then I brushed my teeth with an electric Sonicare, and shaved using one of those new Schick Hydro razors.  I quickly ate some Kellog’s Frosted Flakes with a splash of 2% Flav-o-Rich milk afterwards, headed for my American Craftsman door and locked the Schlage deadbolt behind me before rushing off to work…”
• Along the same lines are people who feel the need to reveal how much money they make during the course of a casual conversation.  “So, they told me it was gonna cost fifty cents for a refill, which I thought was kind of ridiculous.  I mean, it wasn’t about the money, because I make $80,000 a year; it was the principle of the whole thing.”  This is proof that money can’t buy everything, with humility and tact being two examples.  There are also a few people on the other side of the spectrum who use this monetary information to tell someone how broke they are, usually in an effort to gain pity.  “I can’t even hardly pay all my bills, since I’m only making $20,000 a year.”  Real poor people would love to have a water bill they couldn’t pay, because at least that would mean they wouldn’t be bathing and washing their loin cloths in a polluted river alongside livestock.
• Anyone who drives a jacked up truck or SUV that looks and sounds like it should be rolling over junk cars in front of hundreds of screaming rednecks at the county fair.  We get it, you like NASCAR, support the 2nd Amendment, and have toddler-sized genitalia.
• Individuals who use the phrase “At the end of the day” to describe the importance of something.  This is now a popular phrase among sports announcers and analysts that is often used to justify a behavior, or prove whatever point they’re trying to get across.  “At the end of the day, giving 110% – another questionable expression, which goes against everything my 2nd grade math teacher taught me – is the only thing that matters.”  What’s so damn special and telling about what you accomplished before the sun went down?  I work from 9-5, and the stuff that goes on during that time is the least important part of each 24-hour period in my life.  What if you work the graveyard shift, and the only thing you have done at the end of the day is sleep?  What if you volunteer in a soup kitchen for homeless people and disabled orphans through the end of the day, and then happen to kill a bunch of hookers later that night?  Would the police buy the notion that you are a good guy at the end of the day?  It seems like people should be more concerned with whatever has transpired “at the end of the night,” which could also be called “the beginning of the next day.”