The Three Sheets Amigos
Have you ever been sober around a bunch of your friends – normally you’re the one who is drunker than Barney Gumble after being at Moe’s – and wondered why you ever found any of their conversations interesting, tolerable or even intelligible? When you’re stone cold sober, the obligatory encounter with the sentimental drunk can be harder to take than Dirk Diggler’s “special purpose.” You get the feeling that you”re trapped. You don’t know what to do next. The thing is that you care or love the person normally, and if you were inebriated like you normally are, you’d be slobberin’ sweet nothings right back at ‘em. You would have that one arm around their neck, and too slight a grip on your swill that makes it spill every time you started to express your feelings in the drunk equivalent of sign language.
The best case scenario in this sort of encounter is if you’re wearing sunglasses; this means that you can not only avoid having to make eye contact with Mr. or Mrs. Sentimentality, but you can also look around and see what else is going on. I recommend something with a blue polarized lens, or the Southern police mirror look. No matter what you go with, just make sure they’re hiding the direction of your eyes. For whatever reason, sentimental drunks take it very personal if you’re not enthralled with their stories, and remembrances of looney times that you once shared in an alcoholic haze. When you’re sober and you encounter this person, you realize why you do love them, while at the same time realizing for once you can drive home anytime you want. Bolting in the general direction of your vehicle under the guise of procuring yourself another Diet Coke on the rocks, while underhanded, isn’t really that bad of a choice.
Some of your friends may be more partial to drunk dialing, but this isn’t too hard to avoid when you have the old “dropped call/crappy cellphone” excuse and ignore button at your disposal. You would not believe the things people have called to tell me at 12:40 a.m. Just the other night, I was privy to a conversation that went on for more than 10 minutes without me even having to say a word. Participation is rarely mandatory in these telephone talks, because most drunks are more self-absorbed than Spongebob Squarepants. This particular drunk did break out the word “vapid” though. Touche insanity. Touche.
Then you’ve also got your drunks who can’t stomach – or more fitting, liver – the fact that you’re not drinking with them. In my opinion, drinking is kind of like sex in that it’s good even when you happen to be alone. It’s almost as if your decision not to drink nature’s nurturing nectar has something to do with this person’s attempt to change their blood type from B negative, to B 80 proof. Just think if swillheads could give blood, and it actually had an alcohol content. It could be like wine in a box, except it would be a party in a bag. You would simply need a qualified health professional, and some beta-dine to party like it was 1999.
I was just wondering, if you sniff glue, do you forgo the purchasing of super glue in favor of using your own natural nasal adhesive – as opposed to just balling it up and flicking it to some indiscriminate location while on the couch?
