The Running Man Retrospective
(This is another movie review themed post, so if you haven’t seen the flick, none of this will probably stick)
Is the song at the end of The Running Man a Corey Hart B side that never made it onto one of his CD’s, or is it really just a terrible song by a no name imitator like it seems to be? I’m watching the entire credits until I find this out. I’m like a Soundtrackthropoligist. I think they have a graduate program for this degree at a place near me called Daymar College, except all the classes are at night. Wouldn’t that mean they were Nightmares?
This just in, Paula Abdul did all of the choreography in The Running Man. Exactly what was could have choreographed other than The Governator’s strategically placed one-liners, I do not know. There was no sign of that angry, acidic Brit or the Sixth Jackson, so this must have been one of her solo projects. And by solo, I mean without the help of MC Skat Kat – which explains why I didn’t know she was involved. That may be one of the harshest things I’ve ever laid down. Well, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. There were some big women in college.
These are like the longest credits since Johnny Wadd. I think the name of the song is “Restless Hearts,” because that is what is refrained constantly until this game show announcer comes on for the save. According to my sources – a nothing-gets-by-him friend who is here to enjoy the first ever Super Happy Long Time Fun Bad Movie Hour – it was “Running Away with You” by John Parr – of “St Elmo’s Fire” fame. I would say this one was a bogey; but if it was on par, it was only because of a severe handicap. I’m talkin’ like Elephant Man or elephantitis for this to even come close to something any non-movie goer would ever listen to. You’d be more likely to hear it when you’re non-holed-up-in-an Embassy, while trying to avoid extradition to the United States type setting (See how we played Pat Boone or some other annoying music while Manuel Noriega was holed up at the Embassy Suites in Panama). No one can deny terrible songs are one of the purest forms of psychological warfare. Just look at the number of Rush fans who end up in the Harvard Psychiatric Review, and you can prove my point.
No lie, The Running Man has now come back on a different geographical version of the same channel that it was on earlier. What is so weird about this flick is that the Terminator escapes from prison, goes to what he thinks is his brother’s apartment, takes a shower and the chick who lives there now doesn’t realize any of this until Julius from Twins puts his hand over her mouth while she’s Jazzercising. How in the holy hell can you not notice a hunk of man meat as big as he was back in that day waterin’ off? Schwatzy was still so big back then, you could feel his presence in a building – let alone a room – when he entered. And that was even before he had the ability to raise or cut taxes. Ahnuld becoming the Governor of California was like the only way he could maintain his prowess, without still having to work out and roid it up. If the California legislature required piss tests for legislating enhancing substances, I bet Arnie would still turn up on the plus side. If they pulled wig strands, he’d be impeached faster than a jar of Smucker’s Jam.
How many movies did Arnold “badass” it up in an airport? O.K., so I can only think of two at the moment – Commando and The Running Man – but that seems like a helluva a lot less than what it actually is. It’s almost as if during this phase of his career, he had a contract rider that stated there had to be at least one sequence filmed in an airport, or on a runway. I think Wesley Snipes had a similar provision that would allow him to avoid paying taxes while filming Passenger W2.
Richard Dawson is playing himself in this movie except, well, he’s pretty much playing himself. The most interesting part of his character is the suit he is wearing prior to going on the air. In real life, his three piece suits with the pocket watch chain and pinky ring were the stuff of legends; but in this flick, he’s wearing a gray suit with what appears to be a bunch of maggots who gave their lives for the sake of fashion. Or maybe the jacket is made from stain resistant carpet that is interwoven with asbestos. You’d even be safe around butterfingered wine drinkers or open flames wearing this thing.
Remember, knowing and believing are two different things. If you think you know something because you believe it, then you aren’t too sane. Proof of what you think is always needed, so you should ask for it before you proclaim victory and act conceited. Where any of that came from or what it has to do with The Running Man, you’ll have to surmise on your own. I’m going to give it up. Super Happy Long Time Fun Bad Movie Hour has ended, and like a Hustler making the 8 ball off the break, that’s my cue.
