Undead, and Unbelievably Awful

(I know there are 3 of these now, with a fourth on the way; so admittedly, I’m a little late to this blood-suckin’ bash)

So, every girl under the age of 18, fat older ones, nerds and those with continence issues love Twilight. Twhy is this movie so freakin’ popular?  It’s about a family of vampires that believe in “keepin’ it in the family,” and have spared us all their wrath by drinking only the blood of animals.  The part about the vampires inbreeding was plausible, because they were all hot; and if you’re going to live forever and can’t procreate, you might as well hunt around the home, if you know what I’m sayin.  This type of brother on sister love would normally be called some flavor of abuse, but bein’ that you’re immortal and these kids weren’t related to begin with – and again, they were all hot in an undead kinda way – you can see why they were all content with taking the Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia vibes to the next level.

The vampire angle to the story is honestly the most believable part.  You don’t know what happens to all that blood the Red Cross keeps drivin’ for all the time, now do you?  You don’t know anyone O+ or A- that has recently had a transfusion with 10 of their closest friends, do you?  I bet if you looked at their blood bank balance, it would probably be in the red.  I think the freakin’ Red Cross could be like a ponzi scheme for vampires.  You only make deposits, and you never get to make a withdrawal.  You’re only told of specific variants of shortages, and there never seems to be any surpluses.  And to top it all off, they aren’t FDIC insured either.  Thank God there are no blood bank robbers, because then the vampires would miss some meals.  Those of us who are slow, fat, lazy and don’t eat a lot of garlic would start getting picked off like a prehistoric dinosaur booger by an anthropologist at a dig site.

I mean, we’ve all got friends that stay inside most of the day.  Everyone knows someone in the past who doesn’t take tea everyday or have a favorite program on the tele.  You know that one dude who won’t eat garlic.  What about the neighbor who crosses over to the other side of the street when he gets near a wooden picket fence?  If you’re like me, you may have some vampire vittles coursing through your veins, because I refuse to look at myself in mirriors and have no visual confirmation that I actually have a reflection.  Hell, I’ll admit it.  I have believed in vampires ever since Love At First Bite.  Vampires are cool and hip.  If it weren’t for his status as the disco dancin’ vampire, George Hamilton would have never been so convincing as Michael Corleone’s lawyer B.J. in Godfather III.  Who else could go from pale-skinned vampire to over-tanned mob lawyer in a career?  Count Chocula made me a believer as well.

As I was saying, vampires are not the unbelievable part of the Twilight story.  The most ignorant and highly fabricated part is how Bella – the main character who was just itchin’ to get fanged by her blood-lovin’ boyfriend Edward – is treated like a rock star as soon as she steps foot onto Forks High School property.  Look, admittedly, their is a hot curve that all new kids with even remotely good looks and clothes from the last 3 years get.  This allows them to date/hook up with, and socialize outside their normal stratosphere for some period upon changing academic zip codes.  Like an unlicked stamp, this does not stick if their fame, or opinion of their looks is based solely on their newcomer status.  Even high schoolers can shrug off some over-hyped bullshit after a while if it is proven to be phony or overrated – See tight rolling the legs of pants, Swatches, acid-washed jeans and thinking Screech from Saved By the Bell was hot in a nerdy kind of way.

People in this movie are immediately running up to her and asking for her participation in class events, weekend soirees and the selection of prom attire.  She brains a popular jock with a volleyball in her first day of gym class, and he starts givin’ her the googly eyes like he wants her to volley his balls.  He immediately asks her to be on the school paper, she starts getting asked to take over its editorial direction and is treated like Walter Cronkite.  She immediately gets to sit at the cool table like the one I sat at in high school (insert a moving back and forth quickly from side to side and a long, loud, inhalation that borders on a snort while making a funny face here.)

Whether you sat there or not, you pretty much knew the rules as to how someone got to sit at the cool table.  You either had galactic parties where copious amounts of alcohol were supplied, a lot of $$$, or somewhat exceptional talent in some sport that people cared about.  Of course, you could also have a seat reserved if you were a hot chick.  You could have two seats reserved if you were hot, and gave it up.  Basically, the amount of real estate you procured at the cool table was either based on finances, genetics or loose morals.  A combination of the three usually led to an election as class president.

Everyone in a high school does not immediately start fawning over the new chick who is of average measurements and appearance from day one.  All of the groups were fawning for her attention.  The jocks wanted her.   The cool, pimped out mini-van havin’ black guy who almost killed her wanted her to be the O that was down with his P.P.  The popular girls immediately accepted her into their social circle.  They asked for and actually cared about her opinon.  She was even asked to help pick out prom dresses with the bony, Chinese-Sarah-Palin chick who was so skinny you could tell how much milk she drank on a daily basis.  The other chick begging for her prom dress input had a rack, but teeth so big she had to floss with a rope.

So the gist is, this chick falls in love with one vampire from a family of vampires, she ends up causing a big scene between her brand of the undead, and a meaner more evil biker brand of vampire.  The brand of vampire she blends herself in with only eat animals, and – like Jeffery Dahmer being sentenced to life – they’ve learned to control their taste for human flesh.  Hearth Throb Vampire (HTV) says a lot of cheesy, romantic things to the girl and she reciprocates.  HTV and his family save her from the wrath of the nasty biker vampire, and our heroine goes to prom with HTV . The prom scene is crucial because you learn that the Disenfrachised Americans, i.e. Indians (firewater likin’, not cheap hotel/mini mart ownin’), are actually werewolves who hate the Vampires for the Ethical Treatment of People (VETP). This movie truly is the Dirty Dancing for this generation.

Anyway, it’s cheesy and the ending probably sets up whatever part is now currently playing at Front Row Joe’s Joint.  I’m a big fan of terrible movies, but this one will not be repeatedly viewed  – the sequels will not be viewed at all – and it’s lyrics will not be worked into my lexicon.  Other than a possible missive to Neil Young asking him to write Twilights the Night, but I think he did all right with that Tonight’s the Night gig.