Hater Hall of Fame: Jason Voorhees Edition

Jason Voorhees, Born May 9, 1980 (Theatrical release date of first film)

Jason Voorhees was born in the early 1950′s to a woman named Pamela Voorhees, who worked as a cook at Camp Crystal Lake.  Although little is known about Jason’s early life, one would have to assume his childhood was similar to that of other pasty, mongoloid children.  Tragedy struck in 1957, however, when young Jason drowned in the lake while the camp’s workers were busy getting their freak on in the surrounding forest.  Jason’s mother did what any other criminally insane parent would do, and went on a counselor killing spree in 1958 before the camp was set to reopen.  While we have all heard the phrase “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” in this case, the thing that did kill Jason made him damn near invincible.  After his death, Jason began a long life filled with destruction and terror, which can pretty much be broken down into ten parts.  Since most of these stories start to sound eerily similar after a while, I’m only going to cover the first five phases of his life with any depth:

I: Jason’s mother Pamela takes down Kevin Bacon, along with a new crew of other no name counselors at Camp Crystal Lake.  After she loses her mind, Ms. Voorhees loses her head by way of her own machete.  Around this time, Jason comes out of hibernation and gets to cop a feel from the lone survivor before retreating back to his watery abode for the next five years for some me time.

II: Jason has now grown into his own as a fully-matured mongoloid serial slasher – but decides to hide behind a burlap sack – and returns to socialize with the newest batch of sex-crazed camp counselors.  He exacts revenge for his mother’s death by delivering a round of well-placed machete blows to some domes, slitting a couple of throats, and his specialty, Crystal Lake kabobs.  He leaves one survivor and then returns back to his cabin to converse with the decapitated head of his mother.

III: More of the same, except Jason now has new automotive worker duds that he picked up after murdering the owners of a nearby general store.  His ensemble is completed by a new hockey mask that does absolute wonders for his grossly deformed face.  Jason has also upgraded in the real estate market, moving from a shack in the woods to some lake front property at Higgins Haven.  A new batch of kids come to vacation and get kinky at the newest slaughter house by the lake, and while Jason kills all but one once again, his newfound style also apparently inspired some new killin’ moves – like the speargun surprise, handstand hack, and the stress ball smoosh (which are featured in one of the videos below).

IV: This was supposed to be the “final chapter,” but not even a trip to the morgue can keep a good mass murderer down.  More premarital sex and drug use among teenagers who have chosen to vacation at a notorious crime scene, which results in more teenagers being brutalized.  A kid named Tommy Jarvis seemingly kills Jason in the end by giving him a taste of his own machete - then Tommy moved to Astoria, Oregon and became a Goonie. 

“A New Beginning”: I don’t even count this one, because it’s more like a shitty slasher version of Scooby Doo.  The murderer who everyone assumes is Jason actually turns out to be old man Burns, a loner paramedic whose son was murdered by a troubled teen at the local halfway house. 

V: After Tommy Jarvis finds One-Eyed Willy’s gold, he goes to the place where Jason is buried and ends up reanimating his corpse Frankenstein-style. A more powerful Voorhees returns to Crystal Lake, which has since been renamed Forest Green to give it that new crime scene smell.  He kills a shitload of people, and then drowns in the lake once again.  

VI-X: Jason is resurrected, repeat and retell the “plots” of the previous five chapters.  Add a couple of vacations to Manhattan and outer space. 

Robot Chicken takes you through a typical Friday the 13th for Jason Voorhees:

A very revealing interview with the former titan of late night TV:

Some prime examples of Jason Voorhee’s handy work:

 More Voorhees video tributes on YouTube