A Spare Tirade
Hollow Points & Oats have been shown to reduce the cholesterol in 4 out of 6 gun nuts who eat at least two bowls a day, while fantasizing about shooting shit. Side effects may include increased testosterone levels, Itchy Trigger Finger Syndrome and Charlton Heston’s Dementia. Consult your doctor immediately if you think you are Moses with a musket, and try to fight off the enslavement of mankind by human-like apes for more than three hours.
Have you ever seen one of these fishing shows where they catch huge fuckin’ fish every three minutes? Then they go against nature by throwing them all back, in the name of some kind of conservation type bullshit. I always thought conservation was a piece of sovereign land where a bunch of right wing Indians lived. Anyway, before these guys free their finned friends, they hold them up, show them to the camera, weigh them, tape measure them and perform other various and assorted procedures equivalent to a human rectal exam. It seems like while they are doing all this conserving, the fucking fish out of water they just caught is left to suffocate. Now if Kung Fu, a/k/a David Carradine, hosted a fishing show, you’d expect to see suffocation, meat tethering and something hanging. These ecologists are basically just fishing nerds. They go against human nature by catching these huge fish that any non-nerded fisherman would kill to catch. Then they willfully let them go without a furtive movement towards filleting or flambeing. Bullshit. Fish aren’t your fucking friends. A goddamn Bluegill ain’t never done shit for me. Bass can kiss my ass. Short of mounting it with motion sensors and a laugh track, keep that motherfucker, take pictures, cut it up and freeze it. If you never eat it, who gives a fuck? You got a chance to break out your inner caveman, and you showed that fucker who was boss. Sack-Havers 1. Fish Nil.
Are there any type of anythings in Australia that won’t fucking kill you? I’m watching a special on deadly butterflies in the Outback as we speak. Sonofabitches are pretty, but their kisses are deadly. They also pupa a lot as larvae. While in that gestational state of being, they have a tendency to Wrath of Khan it up. There are also “monstrasized” saw fish that can live in fresh water and salt water. These things are shaped like a shark with a Husqvarna 580 diamond tooth chainsaw on its nose, AND it’s a transformer. Crocodiles aren’t really as deadly as people think. Aborigines kill more delusional Australians being followed around by “sheila” reporters carrying large knives, who think they can talk to animals than crocodiles. Now, Great White Sharks do take a bite, but they only eat people who try to get too chummy. I understand wanting to try and understand these things, but jumping into the drink whole ensconced in a steel cage that seemingly has a large open space suitable for biting seems a bit much for me. Look, they’ve got big fucking teeth, swim really fast, let those lazy leech like fish suckle from their teets, prefer seals to fish and have a funky white eyelid that closes when they chomp down. Is there anything else you need to know? Seriously? And I’ve watched more than 10 Shark Weeks, so I know what the fuck I’m talking about.
Anyone else find it funny that Americans are all up in arms about a supposed mosque – which is actually a cultural center – being built near Ground Zero. I was always under the impression that our preda-wig-wearers started the pilgrimage to the land the Indians Lost because they were being religiously oppressed. I think the general beef is that Muslim extremists were the ones who Islamsazeed themselves to bring down the World Trade Centers, and kill all the Americans. I see this point, and I understand where they are coming from. It’s called the fucking truth. However, we didn’t torture Protestants, Episcopalians or any other off shoot of the religious genre of the Crown when they came over and tried to run thangs. Christianity is still all the rage, yet back in the day they went on a revival called the Crusades, and basically those who did not buy into any of it were dead on arrival after leaving the big tent. Fighting wars and killing people over shit that you don’t even know for sure is true is akin to thinking you’re fucking someone because you masturbate to them. Mind you, fighting off oppression and/or some other religious sect trying to bowl all up into your space is completely different. It doesn’t matter if a fewl buys into your brand of bullshit, but I guess you’ve got to get all up in his grill if he tries to take over the pull out sofa.
