Hater Hall of Fame: Drew Magary Edition

Drew Magary, Birthdate Unknown, Birthplace Unknown

Today will be another first for the Hater Hall of Fame, as we induct a person whom I knew absolutely nothing about until late yesterday afternoon.  And I still don’t really know shit about him personally, because apparently he has yet to achieve the stardom that warrants a bio in the annals of Wikipedia history – and he’s not vain enough to write one about himself.  From the picture and stats above, you could surmise that he’s a fan of the Techno-Viking who lives in a suburban home located somewhere on Earth.  In 2006, Magary co-founded a National Lampoon-style NFL blog called Kissing Suzy Kolber, which was named after the unforgettable incident involving Broadway Joe and an unwitting (and unwilling) female sideline reporter.  The website’s content has been described as “high-minded vulgarity,” which intertwines current sports stories with raucous satire.  Kissing Suzy Kolber has now grown to average somewhere in the neighborhood of 35,000 unique visits per day, but Magary has gained access to an even larger audience as a contributing editor/writer for Deadspin.

That brings me to the article that has earned Drew a spot in this hallowed hall, which involves one of my favorite sports – college football – and my favorite pastime – in his words, “pure country hatin’.”  Although there are many things that make NCAA football so entertaining, two things I don’t particularly care for are preseason polls, and every other team besides the one I root for.  Magary not only sums up both of these feelings in “The 2010 Hater’s Guide to the Top 25,” he does it in spectacular fashion.  The following article is a work of art, and should be considered the gold standard to which all other sports-related hatin’ is measured in the future:

I love watching college football. If it had a playoff, it would be the perfect sport. It has everything you need: asshole coaches, shady boosters, drunken girls with big cans, and HATE. Tons and tons and tons of unbridled hate. Schools hating schools. States hating states. Towns hating towns. They don’t even know why they hate each other so much, but they do! And that’s what makes it such good hate. If you knew why you hated something, that means you’d have more trouble justifying it to yourself. And I don’t like the idea of that at all. I like that hate to go unquestioned, free roam and burn as it pleases.

Best of all, many college football fans are college age men between the ages of 18 and 22. And lemme tell you something, there are no better haters out there than men that age. You talk about a worthless and vile segment of humanity. Guys that age are fucking DICKS. They get drunk. They yell. They start fights. They bite women. They’re spectacularly awful human beings. And every Saturday, they huddle up at Delta Fuckface Douchilon at 7AM to drink Popov and paddle each other on the ass, specifically so that they can be as drunk and obnoxious as humanly possible once game time hits. They say some of the meanest, dumbest, most horrible shit you can imagine. And that’s what makes college football so pantshittingly kickass.

So, with that in mind, let’s run down the Top 25 and say hateful, awful things about every team and state involved. Keep in mind, I know next to NOTHING about most of these teams. But that’s precisely the point. Ignorance is hate’s most precious asset. It’s your chance to work up a good hate lather before the season gets into full swing. As always, I use the AP poll, because the coaches poll is retarded. Let’s go.

Magary then provides his own special brand of commentary on every team in the preseason top 25, and here are a few of the hilarious highlights:

1. Alabama: Oh hey, look who’s numero uno. It’s Orange Satan and his little fiefdom of tardbilly mouthbreathers…I don’t need the state of Alabama to have any pride whatsoever. They should never be allowed to feel good about themselves. What the fuck do you half-human mongoloid overall-wearing chimps have to be proud of? Alabama is America’s ass hair.

2. Ohio State: Oh, sweet fucking Jesus, you people again? Haven’t you people pissed away enough titles? Shouldn’t you be banished to NAIA so that we don’t have to see you lose the national title by 47 points to an SEC team? It’s because of YOU that people from the South are actually starting to feel good about themselves again. That is crap.

3. Boise State: America’s Sweethearts, my ass. I’ll be damned if I’m cheering from some dipshit team from the middle of Idaho. Let me ask you something: If everyone in Idaho died tomorrow, would you care? I mean, just DIED…I say no. Oh, I’d turn on the news and say, “Oh, shit! All the Idaho people are dead. That sucks.” Then I’d turn off the TV and eat a box of Teddy Grahams. I’d pretend to care in my mind, so that I wouldn’t feel like the really shitty person that I am. But deep down? I wouldn’t care.

6. TCU: Every year, TCU plays archrival SMU in a game known as the Battle for the Iron Skillet. Oooh! Hold me back! YOU TALK ABOUT A RIVALRY! I can’t wait to see which uptight Christian Texas asshole school this year gets to lay claim to a T-Fal nonstick pan. WHO WILL FRY THE FIRST EGG OF SWEET VICTORY? Count me in!

11. Oregon: I had a bunch of nice things to say about this team, but Jeremiah Masoli stole my laptop. But I look forward to another year of this team wearing unis that give Japanese children Parkinson’s disease. Also, the people of Oregon are Beaver-toothed, bike-riding fuckfaces.

15. Pittsburgh: Doesn’t this town have the Steelers? No one fucking cares about the college team. No wonder Wannstedt is still your head coach. A fucking moose in a trenchcoat could walk the sidelines for your team and no one would notice.

19. Penn State: Listen, I don’t wanna say mean things about Joe Paterno. He’s a national treasure and a sweet old man. But he’s gonna poop himself on the sidelines this year. He is. Someone will ask him over the headset if he’s happy with the defensive formation and he’s not gonna hear them because he’ll be too busy unloading into the cheesecloth he wrapped around his Jockeys. Then he’ll have to stay still the entire half so that no one will know, with poop running down his gimpy old leg the whole time. Then he’s gonna go into the locker room and be like, URRGH I SHIT MYSELF AGAIN, BOYS! Then they’ll have to wipe him off and wheel him back out. I don’t want that to happen. It’s not right. Let the man go out with dignity. Cut his oxygen tank tube.

- You can read the article in its entirety Here.
- Magary’s 2008 & 2009 Hater’s Guide
- “Like” Drew on Facebook