The Road to Fame
You’re an important American. I’m not talking about some type of motherfucker that Earl Pitts raves about either. I am not talking about the fool who came up with the 8,000 calorie, deep fried Oreo taco salad burrito bigger than your ass. I’m talking about someone who did something that others find magnanimous – that ain’t no volcano spooge people. What I noticed the other day is that the upper echelon of Americans are always honored with a road, avenue, street, freeway or interstate dedicated in their name. You know, if I stood up for equality, took dog bitings and fire hosings, I know my main goal in life would have been to have a fucking thoroughfare of any magnitude named after me. “Hey, you shouldn’t have to ride in the back of the bus. But, if you do, ride in the back on the stylish and pothole free MLK Boulevard. Where equality goes both ways.” I think it is standard practice to name some type of paved fare in the general vicinity of the locale in which a medal of honor recipient grew up. You’re a badass mofo, killed a bunch of (insert evil enemy/racial remark delineating a nationality that was either defeated or interned here), lived to tell about it and probably had to start taking enough anti-depressants and psychotropic meds to make you believe Prozac is an evil alien on Star Trek, and Lithium is a Nirvana song. Nevermind. You’ll never be able to decipher such. The point signifying the right away to navigate your chariot is, naming routes of transportation is a goofy fucking way of honoring great people. Is there anyone out there who’s main motivation in life is to do something worthy of having a bypass named after them? “Hey, I could kill this Hitler guy with a paper clip my letters from home are held together with. But, before I change the course of history, do you think if I do go through with it, a concourse could be named after me in the future?”
Hurricane Henry Earl is gettin’ its twist on near North Carolina. Who was the first person to come up with the idea of naming storms after people? Did they think doing so would make death via Mother Nature more friendly? Are storms named to allow hemp-wearing, patchouli-laced, multiple dog-havin’, new age hippies feel like they were being killed by a Green Planet? If you’re killed by the environment, can you be recycled? What the fuck is the purpose of those “HE” laundry sauces? Werd on the street is they are high efficiency. I always thought high efficiency meant someone who came to work with red eyes, a mild case of paranoia, a desire to eat crunchy snack food and the ability to concentrate their ass off so they can get some shit D.YOU.N.
If you ever hear the term “required by law,” you’re either being shafted, or given an excuse for someone not wanting to help you. There is a lot of things that are required by law, like leaving the tags on mattresses or refraining from fucking endangered species, but that phrase should never be used in casual or business conversatin’. If you ever ask someone who explains the requirements of law to you for the name or proof of the actual law, they are required by the law of lying to either make some shit up or say, “Look, a squirrel!” and take off running in the opposite direction like the love child of Usain Bolt and Jon Lovitz. “Hey, can you help me change this flat tire? Nah, sorry. I’m required by law to refrain from strenuous exercise on account of something being wrong with my semen.” Strap a sperm Garmin’ on those motherfuckers and help your goddamn friend, you pussy!
I just read a story that said Stephen Hawking has now changed his view on God. You have to axe yourself, is this true or did his batteries just die during a conversation? You think you’d ever believe that, if he does exist, God can be a prick due to the circumstance that your brain is faster than an iPad, but the body you were given is an iDud? “Stephen Hawking changes his view on God, because he finally came to grips with being a retard in stripped down, 2-wheeled Stomper.” That motherfucker should tear it up, and enter the Tour de France before he goes out with a Big Bang. You think his computer has a program for “sexy voice” whenever he makes computer love?
