Blind, Deaf and Hung
So, I was watching TV as I usually do after work, and one of these boner enhancement chiclet commercials came on. It was some new strain of Seealice – which is not to be confused with Askalice. Apparently, this one lets you bathe in a clawfoot tub, strategically placed next to the object of your pharmaceutical obsession whenever you want an overextended period of “batheability”. The bath tub scenes were limited to only a few seconds, and the bonermercial mainly consisted of what appeared to be happily married couples (or couples who had been dating long enough to not realize the train wreck that their dysfunctional erectile-less relationships wood be), discussing how they liked to, or were about to Marvin Gaye it up due to the “longer” lasting, most special of special effects that this version of Seaalice would “lay” on you.
Well, that’s all fine and handy – if you take it while you’re alone that is – but then this serious dude who looked like he couldn’t find a willing “pharmasexist” if his first name was “Johnson”, his middle name was “&,” and his last name”Johnson” comes on to tell you about its nonredeemable qualities. He then started to speak about the usual “if you have an erection that lasts for more than four hours” spiel. I’ve never understood how that could really be a “side effect,” as opposed to one of the “purposes” of those drugs, but I’ll get to that in a few paragraphs. Then, out of nowhere like a bratwurst through an elevator door, he says something like you should tell your doctor if you start to experience diminished hearing and vision. In other words, if your erection did last longer than four hours and you did make it to the Erectile Room for treatment, you wouldn’t be able to see or hear how they were going to treat you. Talk about uninformed consent.
How did this episode of Ceealis ever get past allowing you to “horn in” on a situation, and suddenly turn you into a blind and deaf version of that impotent pervert that every county fair has lurking in the shadows of all the carnyness? As if having trouble “standing to attention” isn’t bad enough, now you can’t see anyone who wants to experience the latest advances in pharmacology, or hear them tell you they want to get improper with you after you’ve had your hand in the chiclet container.
And how did the FDA not consider these potential side effects to be too dangerous? To some degree, not seeing and hearing some of those rather “unspecial someones” would have been pretty nice when you think about them – and then quickly try to re-repress those mammaries, or memories, as the case may be. Without strict oversight, a candy man doctor could turn the men at a local singles community into nothing more than a bunch of horny people with canes and miracle ears. Victoria’s newest secret would be that her wares now come embroidered with Braille. A cochlear implant would never sound as sexy. Bumpin’ uglies might really turn out to mean what it alleges to mean. Depending on the “Southern physicality” of said prescribee, a cane may or may not be necessary for at least four hours.
As I mentioned previously, one of the possible side effects is an “erection that lasts more than four hours”. And like I said before, I thought this was the point of the damn stuff?!? Has there ever been a boner that lasted too long in the history of the world? The only possible negative side effect of a hard on that is too hard to off is chaffed skin. Other than that, I doubt anyone, of any sex, will come forward (Innuendo intended) and say they think of that as a bad thing…I’m waiting. The lines are open for your comments.
But my alleged ranting – as those of you who read them classify all this as – on this here particular day is, who in the hell determined that four was the magic number of hours of erectile function, which serves as an indickator that you need to seek medical treatment? Aside from the obvious attempts to self medicate – hookers, friends with benefits, or that person buying you all the drinks – why is four hours of an inability to do push ups a reason you have to see a doctor? I would think that would be a reason to call up the chick who told everyone you weren’t “all that” in the rack? The commercial would be realistic if said that you should “consult an ex-girlfriend if you have an erection that lasts more than four hours.” Or, in a pornorific world, an ex-girlfriend and her roommate.
I wonder if there is some kind of “double blind” study or “empirical” evidence to support such a seemingly random picked numeral out of the lusty air. If the study was a double blind, it can’t be believed because two blind people couldn’t read a clock to tell how long one or the other didn’t need a cane. Empirical evidence wouldn’t support such a conjugation either, because nobody trusts anything that happened in The Empire Strikes Back. I mean, seriously, if Darth Vader told you he was your father – while all the time you wanted to bone your sister – you wouldn’t be able to Force that thing work if you had an air pump, super glue, quickcrete and lube. Wanting to hook up with your sister is the sexual equivalent to all those photos/videos you’ve seen where the daisy suddenly bends at the stem and slumps over . You would be checking birth certificates for a long time before you offered to deliver the sausage pizza. If you know what I’m sayin’. If you don’t, please see videos of trains going through tunnels and oil wells pumping. See what I mean? My gourd ain’t splittin’, but obviously, there is still some stuff spillin’ out. That’s all I’m sayin. Funnel cakes, clam bakes and George Straight. Sweet, fishy and drunk. It’s like a Norwegian love fest up in this webular trailer.
