New Spring Lineup

I recently came up with a couple of new game shows that I think have a lot of promise, and would like to pitch one of them to you this morning.  The first show idea would be titled Crotch Kicks for Cash (Which is not to be confused with that one clown’s show, Kicked in the Nuts).  Let’s face it, everyone loves a well placed shot to the cods, especially when it is on film and their jubilees aren’t the ones being jubileed.  The hidden camera views aren’t bad because you’re nervous and anxious, while trying both to spot the unsuspecting crotch and the angle from which the offending object will come.  Then, out of nowhere, it happens and you get a good chuckle whether you saw it coming or not.  If you were to then put that footage in slow motion, you will be able to see priceless facial gestures and the too-late-to-stop-it futile reaction of the crotch shotee.  If the record reversing, slow motion voice feature can be added to the “Oh No!” with loud crashing sounds effects once the crotch is assaulted, yuks will be had by many.

While that is all and good, Crotch Kicks for Cash will be the real hit of next season’s degradation TV schedule for one main reason: contestants will be made aware of the gonard crunching well before the first ball is ever busted.  Oh yeah, there will be no secrecy to this game.  The contestants will agree to take shots to the crotch for increasing amounts of money.  Let’s say, for like $2500, you have to take a kick to the crotch from a strong three year-old, the prosthetic leg of a French mine victim, and a Polio sufferer.  The next level would be $5000, and you would get your pistachios pinched by a high school level kicker/punter, a Jackie Chan impersonator, and a girl from a chorus line.  Reaching the $10K level would bring in the heavy footers.  In this round you’d be spreadin’ your legs, closin’ your eyes and waitin’ for the below the belt lead foot from the likes of Morten Andersen, a semi-retired Pele, the real Jackie Chan, and an angry Elaine Chow - Margaret Cho could be substituted for Elaine Chow if she’s too highfalutin, being a former Labor Secretary and all.

Bustin’ Biscuits (my second choice for the show’s title) could make a ton of dough, based on the number of people who want to quit taking symbolic crotch kicks.  Why not put your Mary Kate and Ashley’s out on the line for some money, instead of a feeling of innate wussness?  I realize the sacktasticness of the Nielsen Ratings could ultimately come down to the level of stardom of the crotch kickers, and/or the dollar amounts involved.  So to spice things up, maybe there could also be celebrity versions in the name of charity.  You could have Angelina Jolie kicking Justin Bieber in his bags to help sack-out urinary tract infections.  Your promotional advertising flyers could be “scratch and shift” stickers.  The MLB would surely go balls to the wall and contribute some type of corporate sponsorship, too.  Cup manufacturers from across the country would be vying to have some kind of  disclaimer before the show like, “Don’t try this at home…unless you’re wearing a Nuclear Nads protective device!”  I can just hear their slogan running during commercial breaks now: “Whenever you’re worried about your nads exploding, just remember to go Nuclear!”

This post was written by Joffrey Ignatius Simpson on March 1, 2011
Posted Under: TV

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