World Series Theories

After seeing a new Volkswagen Jetta commercial where the lyrics to Elton John’s “Rocket Man” were deciphered in an attempt to get you to buy an Aryan auto, my wife gently turned to me and said, “I didn’t know those were the actual lyrics.”  To which I responded, “I didn’t know flaming toadish tarts were a good way to attract people to buy cars.”

St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Jaime Garcia has hairlines so defined, it makes me wonder if it were actually spray painted on, or if his barber used a ruler.

Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton, a recovering drug addict, went 0 for 3 in Game 2 of the 2011 World Series.  I’m guessing he thought the pitcher was a narc, and called off the deal before each at bat.

St. Louis Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina is the youngest of the three banjo-hitting, excellent defensive catchers from the Molina Family.  Jose, Benji and Yadier are the only three brothers in baseball history to have both played in the Major Leagues and won a World Series.  Amazingly, Molina brothers Harpo, Gummo and Zeppo decided not to play the sport.

St. Louis Cardinals outfielder Lance Berkman gave himself the nickname “Big Puma.”  Who the hell goes along with a nickname that the nicknamed named themselves?

According to Joe Buck, Tim McCarver knows everything.  According to me, Joe Buck is an idiot.

Over the course of his hall of fame career, Nolan Ryan threw a major league record 7 no-hitters.  He is now part owner of the Texas Rangers, and is frequently shown in the stands on TV.  It appears as though Nolan hasn’t thrown any no-eaters since he retired.  I heard Ryan was sued for concessional harassment by a former hot dog jockey named Demonte James.  James claimed Ryan would force him to hand over the majority of his weenies without paying for them whenever he worked the box seats behind home plate.  “Man, that fat motherfucker never paid me a Goddamn dime for all those honkey dogs he made me give him.  He treated me like I was working at Winki Dinki Dog and I was his bitch.  I guess Nolan and Ho’s got to eat too.”

There are an awful lot of insurance commercials during World Series games.  The only type of thing a baseball game should insure is that you have fun, act ignorant and get blackout drunk.

Well, like Public Enemy, I’ve got to shut er down for now.  Apparently my typing is making too much noise, so my wife can’t concentrate on reading her book with the lame plot and undeveloped characters.