Off the Dome

If you’re famous and say stupid shit, people either classify your statements or musings as: (a) stupid, (b) drug-fueled ramblings, or (c) an ingenious interpretation of something in everyday life that no one else’s eye is keen enough to spy.  Well, I ain’t famous, but I’m going to say some shit famous people would be hailed for saying because it would either be so stupid it was smart, proof they read Niche or Confuse-yas in rehab, or just so goddamn obvious that saying it was impressive in and of itself.

- Thinking you’re smart isn’t smart unless you’re smart enough to realize you’re only as smart as those who believe they aren’t as smart as you.

- No matter how many times you get hit in the nuts, it can only hurt twice.

- A big, hard dick is great thing to have, unless it is time to run.

- Tits on a warthog are only useless if you don’t want to pork.

- Trick or Treating is the first chance any parent gets to assure themselves it is the kid that initiated playing doctor who is gay.

- The manager of the World Series Champions Cardinals Tony LaRussa uses the word goddamn as an adjective, noun, verb and motivational tool.

- No matter what anybody says about anything, it all really don’t mean anything about nothing.

- Tony Orlando did not play first base for the Cardinals.  Orlando Cepeda did not perform duets with Dawn.

- Sleep apenea prevents fat people from exercising in their sleep.

- Matt Damon has been in more movies without Ben Affleck than Ben Affleck has been in threesomes with Matt Damon.  At least that is what I heard.

- Radio talk show hosts are like heart monitors.  There is a steady pulse of conversation until someone calls and disagrees then the line disconnects like an ideological flat line.  The only question is whether a Code Red or Code Blue is necessitated to revive the witty, and often canned banter.

- If pictures speak a 1,000 words, photographs disprove 999 lies told before the liar is told there is a photograph.

- iPad/iPhone porn is the internet equivalent of a double headed dildo.  It prevents both sexual assault and consensual sexual contact because it allows users to master-i-bate on at the touch of a screen.

- If you buy Halloween candy more than 24 hours prior to handing it out to trick or treaters, you’ll treat yourself so much that you’ll think its a trick next time you put on your jeans.

- Oscar Wilde was queer.

- Prison isn’t so much of a deterrent for gay people convicted of a crime, as it is a suggestion to change their tastes.

- If you’re against Mexican immigrants, you are in denial about how good your yard looks.

- The only difference between liquor stores and Obamacare is you get to chose what you want to buy at a liquor store.

- People who aren’t worried about the economy were rich enough to not have any worries about it in the first place.

- Anyone who joins a political party with a name that is slang for having your testicles sucked is a nut.

- Roman and Greek mythology are interchangeable, but the Greek’s used fancy words, accent marks and pronunciations to sexy up all the pedophilia.

- Inner peace is nothing more than believing whatever the voices in your head are telling you.

That’s all I’ve got.  I’m almost drunk enough to think up some shit.

JIS