Life is full of questions and mysteries, which makes us inquisitive by nature.  This trait was essential to the progress of our ancestors, and will continue to shape our lives in the future (unless the robots rise up, Terminator style).  For instance, almost everyone heard the phrase “There’s no such thing as a dumb question” at least once in school.  This statement is a result of our curious nature, and helped promote learning; but it was also coined before a little thing called the information superhighway came along.

It isn’t hard to find answers relating to most topics in the Internet age, yet there are flunkies who treat the web like it’s their own personal 2nd grade classroom.  Just go to any website forum or place of discussion, and you will definitely find dumb people asking dumb questions.  When you are a kid, it’s ok to ask why the sky is blue or the grass is green, because that is part of the learning process; but when a sea of answers is at your fingertips, it’s hard to justify this type of behavior.  The chances of asking a question that has not been answered on the web, or at least discussed in detail, is virtually impossible in this day and age.  And this shift has created a new breed of human, one who possesses conflicting characteristics – inquisitiveness and laziness.

No where is this more apparent than on the popular site Yahoo! Answers.  The premise of the site is pretty self-explanatory; it’s a community-based internet site where someone asks a question, and other people help them answer it.  In other words, it’s like having a top of the line GPS system in your car, but you choose to stop and ask this guy for directions when you’re lost.  Here are a few of the topics currently open for debate, and the answers I would personally provide if given the chance.

• Q: Where can I find midnight blue tuxedo?     A: Google “midnight blue tuxedo.”
• Q: What is the best breed of dog for guarding purposes?     A: Google “best guard dog breed” or “best breed of guard dog”
• Q: What do you think about white people easy old skin??? I think they old quickly than other race.     A: Google “English for Dummies” and come back after you’ve finished it (this was an actual question listed on their homepage earlier today)

There is nothing strenuous, mentally or physically, about surfing the net for answers.  Computers have made our lives easier, and the Internet is an open book that anyone can read and learn from.  There are those who actively pursue knowledge and do research to find the answers.  On the flip side, some people never choose to open the book because they are lazy; and others realize they can cheat off the smart guy sitting next to them, so why bother figuring it out for themselves?  These types rarely contribute anything worthwhile, but it doesnt keep them from getting internet service…it’s a damn shame that you can’t flunk out of the Internet.

In the town of Spacefaceville, you can spread your thoughts via a chain letter-like conglomeration of “friends.”  There is no limit or restraint on the number, or type of people whose space you can invade with your face.  Before you can start hoarding faces, you have to either successfully request a virtual friendship, or accept a request to have your space invaded by another face.  Once your request is accepted, or Miami vice versa, your space for faces will start to fill up quicker than a frat boy pouring hooch into a cooler (or so I have been told).  A large percentage of the faces you will add to your space are people you’ve known for a long time.  You’ve got your high school classmate face, college classmate face, co-worker face, family face, and the ever popular long lost friend face.  Those are all good forms of faces to keep in your space.  For me, it’s the anonymous/unknown faces requesting to RAM into my space that are the strangest.

On the average, I get about three requests a week for space from faces I’ve never met in high or low places.  I have less of an idea who these faces are, and how they know my face, than a drunkard knows where the vomit stain on his pant leg came from.  When it comes to accepting or denying a face’s request for space, I always have a hard time saying no.  My theory is, expose as many spaces and faces to my nuttiness as spaces will allow.  I’m taking over cyberspace one face at a time.  Before you know it, all websites will have more metaphors than something they can be compared to.  Run-on sentences will become the Norm, as opposed to the Cliff, because it will be easier to express one’s face out in space without observing the laws of “grammar” and “punctuation.”  The one drawback is that it may become tough to determine where one thought begins, and when your patience with the sentence ends.

One of the most interesting things about accepting unknown faces from space is the post-acceptance attempt to figure out who in the hell this person is.  This is usually accomplished by staring at their face whenever you’re in your space.  It’s kinda like staring at a face in an effort to determine if that porn stache-havin’, raincoat-wearin’, coke bottle glasses-havin’ weirdo across the street who drives the van with tinted windows is the same face you saw on the Most Wanted poster at the Post Office.  As a sidecar, I’ve always wondered why wanted posters are hung up all over Post Offices?  Do people on the run regularly check their PO Box?  Do fugitives have responses to fan mail they’ve just got to get out before crossing another state’s line?  I’d think it would be more productive to put fugitives’ pictures in porn shops, bowling alleys, truck stops, trailer parks, and Chuck E. Cheese.  You could also probably catch a whole mess of ‘em if you ran the fingerprints of all carnival and county fair migrants who come to town.  You could also finally be able to tell the difference between a midget and a dwarf based on this analysis.  That is, of course, as long as the corn dog residue build-up doesn’t skew the results.  You’d be amazed at the build-up of corn dog grease that will collect under the fingernails of someone who is a true believer in the “Guess Your Weight” lifestyle.

I tell you this, I wished I had known about all these single faces that sometimes show up on the right side of my space in my pre-married years.  I seriously doubt any of them would have ever allowed me to put my face into their space, but you can always dream.  You catch that?  I nude you wood.  Whoever came up with the idea of trading faces to all kinds of different spaces is the Larry Flynt of cyber socializing.  Like Larry, someone took a lot of faces and showed their spaces.  There it was again.  I’m the Kevin Nealon of subliminal sexual innuendo.  If you don’t get it, there is no need to jump out the window.  Anyway, I guess my face enjoys sharing space with other faces, because I seem to devote a lot of time to my space.  Once you get started, collecting faces for your space is more addictive than masturbating.  Seriously, who has only done it once?

There aren’t a lot of major differences between the various search engines on the Internet, and there really shouldn’t be since they all essentially provide the exact same service.  I have always used Yahoo! for the most part because, well, I don’t really know why to be quite honest.  It’s probably because I am a creature of habit who falls into patterns, which turn into routines, and eventually border on obsessive compulsive behavior.  Lately, however, I have grown really tired of Yahoo!’s so-called “news feed,” which is a continuous slideshow of stories that someone thinks are of interest to the Internet community at large.  It’s a good idea in theory, but a majority of the articles feature topics you’d find on the E! network or in a “Life For Dummies” book, and information that you could file under the heading: “Who gives a shit.”  Here are a few headlines from the stories they were trying to pass of as actual news this morning:

“Reese’s Unusual Wedding Dress” – No, this isn’t an article about the wedding attire worn by the heir to the Reese’s Pieces empire, or some redneck who made her wedding dress out of discarded peanut butter cup wrappers.  Either of those would have actually been more interesting than a video about the wedding of a forgettable actress who is best known for playing a stereotypical dumb blonde that practices law.  It turns out Witherspoon’s new husband also happens to be the head of the talent agency that represents her, so there’s a good chance she may need her Legally Blonde training in a year or two when they’re embroiled in divorce proceedings. (Link)

“Lessons from Love Experts” – I despise any article on Yahoo! that involves love or dating because they’re always filled with shit that should be common sense.  This story revolves around studies that have been done by the “Relationship Research Institute” in Seattle, and according to them, “Using the RRI’s predictive research can help you make better decisions about dating.”  Here are some groundbreaking tips that will ensure even the most socially of crippled people can maintain a sham relationship:

- “Couples who have a tendency to get critical, defensive, and show contempt during interactions are more likely to get divorced.”
- “Couples of all types – whether they’re dating or married – should try to establish a close friendship.”
- When disagreements arise, “approach the conflict calmly and with empathy” and “avoid making accusations.”
- “If there’s more negative than positive going on in your relationship, it’s time to bail.”

If you would like to donate money to help fund studies done by the Relationship Research Institute, feel free to contact me via email, and I’ll give you directions to the nearest steep, jagged cliff that you should throw yourself off of. (Link)

“Snooki Shows Off Amazing Wrestling Move” - For reasons that only Vince McMahon can understand, the Snooki Monster was a featured attraction at this past weekend’s WrestleMania XXVII.  The gutter skank from the polluted shores of Jersey was involved in a “6-person mixed tag team” bout, and to no one’s surprise her team ended up on the winning end of the script, I mean, contest.  When I saw that she supposedly showed off an “amazing wrestling move,” I thought her fat ass might have somehow made it up to the top turnbuckle, or maybe she did some fancy spin kick by using her primitive stick weapon as a prop.  After watching the video, it turns out Snooki Monster’s move was simply a back handspring that ended with her disgusting, disease-ridden ass serving as the finisher.  The article then goes on to talk about Snooki Monster’s unique background as one of only a trillion girls who took gymnastics at a young age and ended up cheerleading in high school.  On a more interesting note, it says that she attended Marlboro High School, which would explain her growth being stunted and the garden gnome-ish figure she possesses.  Admittedly, I never would have thought she could pull off a back handspring, but the only “amazing” thing I will ever associate with Snooki is still her ability to take one on the chin: (Link)

It’s been a while since I completed my last entry into the DoucheBLOGgery journal, so it’s high time for another post to reveal the biggest wastes of bandwidth that the Internet has at its disposal.  Today we’ll look at three types of people who seemingly have nothing in common at first glance, and yet they have now become intertwined due to our country’s current commander-in-chief.  Aside: To be clear, I don’t necessarily like Obama, but I don’t hate him either.  I am absolutely indifferent.  He’s just another figurehead for the US who takes the blame for everything that goes wrong, even though he has as much power as an 80 year-old anorexic arm wrestler.  That’s not an opinion either, it’s called checks and balances people.  Anyway, I have found that stories which have the word “Obama” in the headline, and a comments section, will always contain a mix of people whom I like to call Paranoid Poligionists.  Poligionists being the term I concocted to describe the amorphous blob of commenters who work either political ideology, religion, or racism (and sometimes a mix of all three) into one neat, tightly coiled pile of typed bullshit.  Many believe these people were spawned from the perfect storm of paranoia that saw a black Democrat, who some believed had “Socialist intentions”, with a Muslim-sounding name getting elected president. To prove this theory, I am going to go over one of the latest news stories involving Obama, and pick a few of my favorite insanely idiotic paranoid poligionist quotes from the comment section verbatim, in all their grammatically incorrect glory.

Obama Hosts Hu as World Powers Seek Common Ground - from the AP

This story is about China’s president Hu Jintao visiting the White House for meetings with Obama to discuss “trade, security and human rights issues that have been the cause of past strain between the two powers.”  Nothing too groundbreaking, right?  It seems only natural that two of the world’s most powerful countries would get together to discuss diplomacy and the like.  But according to these people, it’s just another sinister plot by Obama to undermine his own country:

Annie Bertino - “China is the enemy of these united states and if you are nieve (I’m guessing she meant naive, and not a fist) enough to think otherwise then you are foolish,with that said we must at times deal with foes as well as friends. China has one ambition and that is to preserve its self and nothing more.”  That’s weird because it seems like that is what our country is about now, too.  Perhaps the funniest part of this comment is that it goes on like this for a while, and all of a sudden Annie starts talking about the great deal she got on her laptop at GoGetBids.com.

AC7880 -  “Bow bow bow, bow BowMao. Bow little Obambie, bow like the little man you are. Give him a blowjpb while you down there you little putz.”  This sounds like a nursery rhyme written by Rush Limbaugh, or song lyrics from the popular right-wing rap group known as 2 Conservative Crew – who is best known for their hit song “Me So Angry.”

Bez_Dawg – “Owebama (What a clever play on words, huh?) is putting on a show but we all know, Hu owns us. They have more pride and don’t put up with illegals. They don’t have a sasquatch first lady (a great word choice when you want someone to automatically know you’re racist) who says they were proud of their country for the first time at 40+ years old.  Admittedly, they are heavy handed at times but they all pull together cuz they don’t have a divisive prez or affirmative action.”  Ah yes, it always comes back to that damned affirmative action! *shakes fist angrily*

Tori - “China is stealing our tec. secrets-they now have a Steath bomber- stolen — They are increasing their military by 10%, Hu is a smokescreen, that Obama, is grasping to breath in. We are in deep trouble–” Judging from the test scores of American kids compared to Chinese kids, I don’t think China really has to steal anything from America when it comes to technology. Also, hasn’t the Stealth Bomber been around for like 20 years?  And while China may have increased their military by 10%, it would be interesting to see – if by some crazy chance that stat is true – how much our military has increased during that same span of time.

Octavius – “Did Obama bow to Hu or is this subservent (or subservient) gesture reserved only for muslim royalty?  The old “Obama is secretly a Muslim” shtick never gets old; it has become the go-to comment when someone doesn’t have anything relevant to say, but still wants to add their own two cents to the topic at hand.

Rich - “And Michelle was heard to say ” Pass me mo dem ribs” The first lady speaking like an old black mammy from the 1920′s, or what I like to call ignorant humor that appeals to the lowest common denominator -think of it as a verbal Adam Sandler movie.  Not surprisingly, the following was a reply from a person who has the screen name Bub, and a confederate flag as their avatar: “I like that ”

Making – “I really hope donal trumpt is serious run for president even though I know he will have alot of bagages, but i think he is the only one who can be firm enough and straight this chinese govt out and make them play the econ game with the world more fair and square.”  It’s hard enough take someone seriously when they believe Donald Trump knows anything about international economic policies; the rest of this person’s credibility is lost as a result of their caveman-esque grammar.  My only hope is that “Making” isn’t a reference to babies, because we don’t need people like this influencing future generations…unless he/she is part of the future generation, which is the most frightening thought of all.

Musclerussian – osuka (Another one of the many clever nicknames for Obama) does not have a birth certificate. the gov of the crappy stae hawii cant find it. osuka has lawyers fighting aginst the release of all his records. the man is hidingsomething. all i can say is thank the LORD (everyone knows the Lord was a McCain/Palin supporter) that i didnt vote for this undocumented thing. to all you demoterds and the illegals who voted for him should go to prison. nuff said!!!!!!!  I agree, he did say enough, probably way too much, in fact.  Personally, I think the people who are responsible for educating this person should be thrown in a federal “pound me in the ass” prison.

Here is the full article and subsequent comments section to peruse if you’re not depressed enough already, and haven’t lost complete faith in humanity, civility, reason, or anything else that should be prevalent in the 21st century.

Greetings and Salutations Kind Sir:

I recently discovered 10,000 pounds of unclaimed gold bullion in a sunken Nigerian pirate ship, and request your immediate assistance post haste.  I am in dire straits due to the AIDS, and have decided to bestow this money upon you since you’re my third cousin once removed.  I will transfer 50% of the gold’s worth to an account of your choosing if you accept this offer.  Just provide your name, address, mother’s maiden name, blood type, social security number, and designated bank account number.  Upon receiving this lump sum, you will then have plenty of money to buy one of the many other things that I found amongst the buried treasure.  How about some cheap Vi@ggra, only €1.30/pill for a limited time, or CiALiss for the low price of ¢.99?  And since we are on the subject, isn’t it time to do something about that tiny pecker you’re so ashamed of?  It is possible to gain 4-6 inches and look like the Elephant Man with a deformed trunk with Enzyte.  So get a free sample now, and say goodbye to your disappointing pint-sized pocket rocket.  If there’s not a significant other to share your newfound masculinity with, no problem.  Go check out my website, it’s filled with adult videos involving a wide array of the nastiest, most putrid things you could ever possibly imagine.  And speaking of websites, have you thought about going back to school and getting your degree?  Now is the best time to get your diploma online, and with hundreds of degrees to choose from at Phoenix College, you’ll be on your way to applying for that dream job in no time.  If you enroll now, I’ll also include a trial sized bottle of detergent, two free credit reports, and a designer Snuggie.

The preceding was a loose summary and dramatization of the spam that can be found in my inbox on any given day, which is one of the main reasons why I don’t regularly check my account anymore.  Since the The Russian Prince of Penis Pill junk mail might finally be getting his comeuppance, it’s possible that the estimated 100 billion spam mails which are sent worldwide every day might start to dwindle – which is good, because it seems like I receive about 10% of them.  Sure, I may have given my email address to a few “free” adult sites that claim they don’t share information with outside parties, but being on those sites should also tell them that there ain’t nothing wrong with my wang.  At one time I believed this annoyance would totally disappear with an increase in technology in terms of Internet security, but neglected to remember a very important detail.  Spammers can and will thrive as long as ignorant and naive people have free reign on the internet.  In other words, there is no end in sight.

Google Inc. celebrated it’s 12th anniversary last month, and the company also introduced a new feature on their search engine which instantly brings up web pages with the information you want as you’re typing – whereas before, you had to go through the trouble of hitting that pesky enter button every time.  So, I was thinking how I could test this new search optimizer, and what I could search to make it something worth posting on the blog.  The first thing that came to mind was a lesson I was taught in school about the six questions that should be explained in any story: Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How.”  Then I entered each one of these into Google Instant, to find out what would be the most popular searches related to these open-ended questions.  The results ranged from surprising, to predictable, and just plain sad.  Here are the first three, and the remaining three will be revealed tomorrow during the lightning round:

“Who…
#3: won American Idol“ This show has been on for over 8 years now, and for whatever reason, people still want to know who will be the next singer that goes on to sell tens of records after the show, and end up playing free shows at area shopping malls.

#2: owns my heart“ Apparently this is the name of Hannah Miley Montana Cyrus’s new song, and people are interested in the controversial video that appeals to young teens, and also the types of guys who used to be ambushed on NBC’s To Catch a Predator.  Personally, I think the only attractive thing about Billy Ray’s offspring is her large, supple bank account.

#1: is“ This did not surprise me, because we are always interested in finding out more about previously anonymous people who make headlines.  Like “Who is Aretha Franklin’s personal trainer?”or “Who is keeping Dick Clark alive?”

“What…
#3: does my name mean“ In a lot of cases, your name simply means your parents couldn’t think of anything good or original, so they just opened up a Bible and picked one of the disciples, apostles, or some other character.  It’s hard to believe anyone would still think the meaning behind their name matters.  I mean, Ryan translates to “young royalty,” but that doesn’t mean you’re going to oversee a large empire one day simply because your name fits the criteria.

#2: time is it“ Seriously?  There are this many people on a computer who are actually searching for the time of day?  First of all, every computer built in the last 20 years has a clock that is prominently and constantly displayed on the bottom right of the screen.  The only thing I can think of is that these are the type of pretentious and boring co-workers who say dumb shit like, “Well, ya know, it is 5 o’clock in Beijing…wish I lived there right now,” because that’s the most interesting thing they could think of.

#1: is my IP address“ I’ve looked up my IP address a few times before, but I can’t for the life of me remember why.  The site I went to said it was useful for a variety of reasons, like tech support, gaming, or proxy detection.  In my case, it either had something to do with trying to hide mine so it was less like like I would get busted for illegally downloading movies, or more likely, was porn-related.

“When…
#3: is the NBA Draft“ It is no surprise that a phrase like this would come up, considering our country’s love of sports.  But, why the NBA Draft?  I have heard the NFL is currently the most popular sport in the U.S. in terms of TV ratings, and “the NFL Draft” didn’t show up anywhere.  Plus, the NBA Draft was in June, so it’s hard to understand why this is still such a popular search term.  The only thing I can think of is that people love a good fashion show, or freak show in some cases.

#2: is Father’s Day 2010” Like the NBA Draft, Father’s Day 2010 was back in June and is apparently still being searched for by a lot of forgetful, busy, and terrible children.  I guess Chris Rock was right, “Nobody appreciates daddy.  Nobody says ‘Hey, Daddy, thanks for knocking out this rent!’  ‘Hey, Daddy, I sure love this hot water!’  ‘Hey, Daddy, it’s easy to read with all this light!’  Or it may also be the fact that unlike your mother, daddy doesn’t constantly drop hints that Father’s Day is only three months away.

#1: in Rome“ This common phrase actually brings up information about another crappy romantic comedy that was recently released on DVD; but after looking at reviews of the film, it’s obvious someone just paid a bunch of money to Google so it would be the first thing to appear.  Either that, or there are entirely too many people in the US who are as clueless as Ron Burgundy:

I am still in the process of getting the site updated and up to my specifications, but I wanted to discuss something that has been brought to my attention over the past few weeks.  While a lot of web users are always talking about “googling” something, I don’t think it would be a stretch to say that Yahoo! may be a more popular search engine for web users.  One of the things that I have started to pay more attention to on Yahoo!’s homepage is a little section in the upper right titled “Trending Now.”  This gives people the opportunity to check out the most searched or talked about topics currently on the web, but it also gives someone like me a glimpse into what is important or interesting to the common Internet patron.  Well, after checking out what this morning’s top ten had to offer, I have to say it’s pretty damn sad – and a little bit disturbing.  So I have decided to list these topics from the tenth most searched to the first, and say a few words about why they have the Internet all atwitter.

#10 – Gulf Oil Spill: Last week an offshore oil drilling rig exploded in the Gulf Coast, and many experts believe the resulting spill will eclipse the Exxon Valdez disaster that occurred back in 1989.  The oil slick is five times bigger than first estimated, and is working its way into the Mississippi River Delta and lapping the Louisiana shoreline.  David Kennedy of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration told The Associated Press, “It’s of grave concern.  I am frightened.  This is a very, very big thing.  And the efforts that are going to be required to do anything about it, especially if it continues on, are just mind-boggling.”  Government officials said the blown-out well 40 miles offshore is spewing five times as much oil into the water as originally estimated — about 5,000 barrels, or 200,000 gallons, a day.

#9 – Droid Incredible:  Another new “smart” cell phone from Verizon that people are goin ape shit over; the product is in such high demand that new orders did not ship yesterday as expected, and the carrier has been forced to delay shipments until May 4th.  Oh, the humanity!!

#8 – Adobe Flash Ban: The CEO of Apple came out yesterday to put the smack down on some popular software that ironically isn’t supported by any of the company’s high tech devices.  Steve Jobs wrote an open letter to all the Apple-lovin’ nerds around the world claiming that Adobe Flash is “slow, drains batteries, isn’t suitable for touchscreen devices and poses security problems.”  So yea, suck on that you inanimate, piece of shit software…

#7 – Secretariat: News about a new Disney movie in the works which follows the story of the horse that won the Triple Crown in 1973.  I liked this movie the first time I saw it back in 2003, when it was called Seabiscuit.

#6 – Siobhan Magnus: I thought this was going to be an article on the newest person to hold the World’s Strongest Man title, but it’s just about some American Idol reject’s quest to stay relevant.  Next…

#5 – Kid Rock: Kid Rock was picked to host the 2010 Country Music Television Awards that takes place on June 9th, and he promised to “awesome.”  He also promised to continue ripping off other artist’s music across all genres while he laughs all the way to the bank – which is probably a Folgers coffee can that is buried in the yard behind his trailer…

#4 – Katie Holmes: The slave, I mean, wife of Tom Cruise is set to star in The History Channel’s first scripted miniseries titled “The Kennedys.”  Holmes will play first lady Jacqueline Kennedy in the eight-hour program about one of America’s most famous and talked about families.  There is no word yet on whether Tom allowed her to film the series without her GPS ankle bracelet, or if it will have to be removed after filming with the help of CGI.

#3 – Dominique Dawes: The former U.S. Olympic gymnast received a bronze medal ten years after her performance at the 2000 games in Sydney, Australia.  This happened after the International Olympic Committee found that Chinese gymnast Dong Fangxiao was under the age of 16 when she competed, which resulted in a disqualification.  This is one of the first times I can remember gymnasts or the Olympics being a story of interest during an off year – and hopefully it will be the last.

#2 – Rielle Hunter: Some chick who slept with former presidential nominee John Edwards is being interviewed by Oprah – scandals in politics, what a new concept.  The only difference is that this affair apparently has the Oprah seal of approval…

And the most searched topic as of this morning – Bret Michaels: The former lead singer of a shitty 80′s hair band, and the star of an even shittier reality TV show on VH1 has recently been in and out of the hospital.  He was first admitted for an emergency appendectomy; ten days later he was taken in for bad headaches, and it was discovered that he had suffered a massive subarachnoid hemorrhage.  He is said to be recovering, and recent stories have estimated that he will be “rockin” again in a few weeks.  So there you have it, Bret Michaels and eight other trivial stories are of more interest to the general population than a massive oil spill that will have a long lasting effect on our ecosystem for years to come.  My theory on the popularity of the Bret Michael story is that thousands of rednecks across the country thought the WWE’s latest storyline involved professional wrestler Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels sneaking away to New Hampshire for a private wedding ceremony…which makes more sense to me than the idea of people actually caring about some washed-up rocker turned reality show manwhore…

I received this “email” yesterday on FaceSpace from a good friend of mine.  What I’ve glued below is the preface to a series of interrogations that will allegedly let more of myself be known to others.  I’ve always thought nudity was a quicker way to know more about a person, but maybe I’m wrong – and certainly too fat to go parading around town like I nude what I was doing.  Well, whether clothed or not, here was the opening command of the email:

“If you’ve been tagged or you are reading this, you have the honor of copying all these goofy questions, writing your own response, and tagging 25 other victims.  You have to tag me so really you just need 24 more people.  If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your title as “Getting to know each other!”, tag 25 people including me (tagging is done in the right hand corner of the app), and then click publish.”

How do you tag someone on a web site?  I see a little box in the upper right hand corner of the page that says “Tag people in this note” and “Type any name”, but that’s not really the full meal deal.  It’s kinda cornfusing really when you get down to it.  Is this some type of subliminal message that I should change my name to Larry Love Handle, hook up with the Revenganator and start a championship wrestling duo?  Should I find someone or someones that I can smack in some vicinity of their persona?  Should I find someone and make them a drink out of a orange powdery substance?  I just don’t know, and really don’t care either.

As for the second command under the first command, yet still above the open box, how can “any name” be tagged via me merely typing it?  What if I wrote down Spartacus?  Would the elder of Douglas’ then have to consent to a SpaceFace friendship prior to him being tagged?  How do you tag someone not in existence in this strange substitute for actual human interaction not involving technology?  To tag or not to tag. That is the question…and I don’t know how to answer.

I don’t mind being queried about such topics as myself for the benefit of medical diagnosis, competency evaluations, or pizza ordering.  Speaking of which, have you tried to order a pie without your college transcript, blood type and results of your latest physical from the generalized Pizza Hut command center that picks up when the local Hut declines to answer their phone?  Anyway, I don’t have a problem with the querier of these questions, their format, or the information they seek out.  I just can’t figure out how to cyber slap 25 people, and then be backhanded with the actual questions that I’m supposed to answer.  This process is akin to world wide webular domestic abuse.  I fear that one of the tagees may take a RAM or ROM out on me, which would require me to stay some mythical distance away from them.  While I’m making fun of domestic violence and protection orders, how would you restrain someone from getting within a certain distance of a certain person on the internet?  Would the distance be calculated as the crow flies, the possum trots, or the vacinity in which the hard drives are to each other?  Could you be entrapped into violating an Internet restraining order by an erroneous friend request?  Could you go to cyber jail for hooking up in a friendly way via MyFace with someone who is friends with the someone you can no longer be friends with?  It’s like six degrees of spaceface up in this trailer.

Well I have to go, but I just realized that I may have answered some of the questions I’m too stupid to ask myself.  I wonder if I passed?  I know I answered some questions that will probably make some question my sanity.  But as long as someone keeps attempting to answer the questions they’re not technologically smart enough to ask, the open and free dialogue that high speed itnernet access provides will keep us all well informed about each other.  Even if you don’t know why this verbal inquisition is necessary (it isn’t) or what the answers are being provided for (nothing), you’re getting to the bottom of the psychological grandest of canyons anyway.  That is the self truth of it all.

I have previously given my feelings on the Twitter phenomenon that I thought people would have gotten sick of by now, and yet this self-serving, narcissistic douchebag of a site still continues to entertain millions of morons with each new day. While I admit that there are few people I actually follow on Twitter (and that is a literal few – Conan O’Brien, ESPN’s PTI, and Shit My Dad Says) I’d say 98% of the accounts consist of either: normal people who think they are in some way special because they believed everything their mother said, or celebrities who know they are special because the TMZ’s of the world have confirmed that peons all across the U.S. care way too much about the daily (and no less boring) lives of the rich and famous.  Thankfully I ran across a site today that has found a way to turn Twitter into something which possesses actual entertainment value, and it also gives insight into what may have went through the celebrities’ minds as they enlightened the masses with their Lucida Grande lessons.  Welcome to the Museum of Modern Tweets:

See them all here.  The site is relatively new, and the only bad thing is they currently debut just one new picture each Tuesday.  So be sure to check the site tomorrow for their latest masterpiece…