The manufacturers of the drug Dulera wants me to ask my doctor if it can help me breathe better. If you’re having to recommend medicine to help you breathe to your doctor based off the advice of a commercial, I’d say you need to watch another channel for a second opinion.
In the spirit of crossover episodes, A & E needs to start a show that is a cross between Hoarders and Storage Wars. Hoard Wars. Here’s how I see it: The scavengers from Storage Wars could come in and bid on the houses of the Hoarders. This would either help speed up their recovery, or make for a very exciting ending. Auctioneers aren’t quacks like psychologists either. That shit is real. Whether you clearly heard what he said or not, you wiped your nose at the wrong fucking time and now you own whatever it is you bought. Whether you wanted it or not.
I’m flipping through the channels and….The man you all know as Joe The Policeman from the What’s Goin Down? Episode of That’s My Momma, RANDY WATSON!!!!
What if there was a Cracker Awareness Week? A White Freedom Fund Luncheon? Honkey History Month? Why are those of us who aren’t racist or supremacists worried about being aware, free, or interested care about what our history says our future has in store for us? Is it because we are lazy? I’ll be honest, if I were in charge it would be Cracker Awareness Week sponsored by Machaen’s Lawn Service – because “If you can’t do it, a Mexi can.” I’ve never really understood why anyone needs to be reminded to be aware of their race with a special event/day/month. I mean, you’re either stared at, stepped away from, looked down upon, tolerated, accepted or celebrated. Don’t matter what fucking color you were or weren’t, or how aware you are, them’s the options.
I had a friend in college I co-created named The Googler. He was 30ish, prone to wearing Glad Bags with a head hole in the rain, one golf glove on either hand for warmth during the winter, and handing out the most worthless of all analgesics, Ultram with the instructions to, “Take two Hoss.” He use to say “bristle”, “bristle up” and “bristlin” a lot to describe various states of awareness and excitement. For instance I’d say something like, “Hey Googler, what the fuck happened last night when you were talking to those chicks, before they kicked you in the nuts and maced you?” “Bristlin,” he would inevitably reply. If you disagreed with him, he’d tell you to “bristle up,” and express your disagreement either verbally or physically. To “bristle” really meant nothing more than to keep one eye open, an ungloved hand on a beer and the other firmly clinched on that bottle of worthless fucking pills an opiate would rather pawn than eat. In his honor, I’m bringing bristle and all it’s conjugations back. So, bristle up motherfuckers. There’s going to be a hole helluva lot of bristlin going on.
After rallying in support of Joe Paterno earlier last week, Penn State students came to grips with the reality that the football program hid and protected a pedophile. In their first attempt to acknowledge this wrong, 10,000 plus students took part in a rally in which they all held lit candles. These delusional bastards don’t owe nobody nothin, cause they had nothing to do with none of it. However, something as serious as what they say went down there requires a lot more than a live Freebird-like acknowledgement.
From this point on I think that, at the very least, no Penn State football player should be allowed to wear any uniform number under 18.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” now means something entirely different at Penn State. While pronounced the same, it’s often heard as “You fucking a kid with me?”
I wish I had thought this one up, but it’s already making the rounds: “If an older woman who likes younger men is a cougar, what do you call an older man who likes young boys? A Nittany Lion.
Sam’s Club, Paducah, KY – Paradise Horses released their controversial new product “Dora Likes To Explora” this week, a toy which was created after a company employees’ recent trip to attend a bachelor party in Tijuana. It went up for sale at several popular retail stores across the country despite threats of protests, boycotts and even an endorsement from the Perverts for Explicit Needs from Inside Stuffed animals, or P.E.N.I.S. for short. Samuel Johnson Sinclair Kennedy Vanderbilt St. James Gates Walton, the Current Relative In Control (CRIO), and founder Sam Walton’s eight great-great-grandsons from a previous marriage on his maternal privileged side recently released a statement regarding their decision to carry Dora at Sam’s Club:
“Sam’s Club has always been about the privilege of membership in a private club that’s not readily accessibly to the general public. With the release of Paradise Horses’ Dora Likes To Explora, we feel we are staying true to the form Sam pioneered years ago, by allowing each and everyone of our members to decide whether they are open, support or even eguage in pre-pubescent bestiality. The only difference between Dora Likes to Explora and Mormonism is she’s open to new ideas, and only loves one horse at a time.”
P.E.N.I.S. Head Steve “Secretariat” Stevens said he was glad Sam’s had finally shown support for the perverted arts. “Look, let’s be honest. Most people enjoy being liked by animals. Most people enjoy betting on horse races. Mix them together and you’ve got something to bet on.” Many within the discount mass retail business have always waffled when it comes to items that either insinuate or endorse anything other than straight, missionary-style sex. COSTCO Founder, renowned cheapskate, and sexual bore Pete Pennybags when asked about the toy at an Incredible Bulk Convention had this to say:
“If children of questionable alieneage want to fuck horses, that’s one thing. But having the cost conscious American public support horse fuckin’ just ain’t right. I mean, it even says right there on the box, ‘Encouraging Serious Horseplay’. What kind of message will this send to our sexually confused and curious kids? And I’ll tell you another thing, all them vet bills ain’t going to be cheap either. Some historians have claimed the Roman economy collapsed after an outbreak of horse fuckin’. It could happen here too.”
If you’re famous and say stupid shit, people either classify your statements or musings as: (a) stupid, (b) drug-fueled ramblings, or (c) an ingenious interpretation of something in everyday life that no one else’s eye is keen enough to spy. Well, I ain’t famous, but I’m going to say some shit famous people would be hailed for saying because it would either be so stupid it was smart, proof they read Niche or Confuse-yas in rehab, or just so goddamn obvious that saying it was impressive in and of itself.
- Thinking you’re smart isn’t smart unless you’re smart enough to realize you’re only as smart as those who believe they aren’t as smart as you.
- No matter how many times you get hit in the nuts, it can only hurt twice.
- A big, hard dick is great thing to have, unless it is time to run.
- Tits on a warthog are only useless if you don’t want to pork.
- Trick or Treating is the first chance any parent gets to assure themselves it is the kid that initiated playing doctor who is gay.
- The manager of the World Series Champions Cardinals Tony LaRussa uses the word goddamn as an adjective, noun, verb and motivational tool.
- No matter what anybody says about anything, it all really don’t mean anything about nothing.
- Tony Orlando did not play first base for the Cardinals. Orlando Cepeda did not perform duets with Dawn.
- Sleep apenea prevents fat people from exercising in their sleep.
- Matt Damon has been in more movies without Ben Affleck than Ben Affleck has been in threesomes with Matt Damon. At least that is what I heard.
- Radio talk show hosts are like heart monitors. There is a steady pulse of conversation until someone calls and disagrees then the line disconnects like an ideological flat line. The only question is whether a Code Red or Code Blue is necessitated to revive the witty, and often canned banter.
- If pictures speak a 1,000 words, photographs disprove 999 lies told before the liar is told there is a photograph.
- iPad/iPhone porn is the internet equivalent of a double headed dildo. It prevents both sexual assault and consensual sexual contact because it allows users to master-i-bate on at the touch of a screen.
- If you buy Halloween candy more than 24 hours prior to handing it out to trick or treaters, you’ll treat yourself so much that you’ll think its a trick next time you put on your jeans.
- Oscar Wilde was queer.
- Prison isn’t so much of a deterrent for gay people convicted of a crime, as it is a suggestion to change their tastes.
- If you’re against Mexican immigrants, you are in denial about how good your yard looks.
- The only difference between liquor stores and Obamacare is you get to chose what you want to buy at a liquor store.
- People who aren’t worried about the economy were rich enough to not have any worries about it in the first place.
- Anyone who joins a political party with a name that is slang for having your testicles sucked is a nut.
- Roman and Greek mythology are interchangeable, but the Greek’s used fancy words, accent marks and pronunciations to sexy up all the pedophilia.
- Inner peace is nothing more than believing whatever the voices in your head are telling you.
That’s all I’ve got. I’m almost drunk enough to think up some shit.
JIS
Believe it or not, the small sleepy city of Paducah, Kentucky always has some sort of low level scandal going on at all times. You have cops resigning for inappropriate non-sexual contact of a sexual nature while on duty. A hotelier holding out to be paid to leave town, and a hotel he could not afford so the city could buy it and tear it down. The city buys a Convention Bouncy specifically for one yearly event, puts it on land they do not own and then attempt to circumvent the building code in the name of ice skating. And then you got a guy named Steve Dolittle. Basically, there has never been a job opening the City has felt he could not fill.
Come to find out today the executive director of the Julian M. Carroll Convention and Paducah Expo Centers embezzled somewhere around $200,000.00 in the past year. If don’t know where the convention and expo center is, do not worry. It’s obvious you have not been there since (a) you realized a wedding themed after anything Bristol Broadcasting promoted would be cheaper than champale (b) Dr. Kelly’s office moved to Reidland or (c) J.R.’s Pub finally fell off and floated down the Ohio. This place is supposed to bring in people to convent about things, or to expose others to stuff. Last time I was down that way, the only thing I saw was a convent of nuns running from a man who was exposing himself.
So to sum this scandal up, a cat named John Patrick Kerr, Jr. had been scamming the Paducah-McCracken County Convention Center Corporation – “PMC4″ for our purposes – out of at least $68,000.00 bucks a years while pretending to be the executive director. Well, that was the part of the scam PMC4 cannot deny knowing about because it was his salary. That was actually up almost $8,000.00 from when he started. Kerr got a fleece increase because he met or set a bunch of “benchmarks” and worked “unusual and extra hours to accommodate events.” For instance, he worked a lot of extra hours around the end of the month when bank statements would be mailed, and also the last couple weeks before April 15th each year.
The PMC4 gave a press conference where they stated Kerr’s evil genius first came to after Paducah Bank gave notice a specially trained bank teller had noticed a sticky note attached to a check indicating someone was not suppose to forget to bring someone their half of the money. The teller’s handler could not be reached for comment. Paducah Bank released a statement saying, “We knew the investment in note-detecting trained tellers would pay off. This is exactly the type of fraud that is perpetrated every day by the misuse of sticky notes and we here at Paducah Bank are not going to just sit around and take note of it anymore.” The bank then alerted the previously fiscally comatose PMC4, who sprung into action and quickly realized no one should be getting half. After an intense investigation from Friday through Sunday, the PMC4 had cracked what has been described by some as an intricate scheme. Apparently, Kerr would write “single-signature account checks” to an alleged embezzlebell named Susan Wilson. She was posing as what is known in the convention and expo world as a “vendor”, and would issue Kerr fake invoices, cash the checks, obey the sticky notes and give him his half. It was intricate because he worked there but actually signed his own name, instead of forging another person’s to the checks he apparently was not authorized to sign. Contrary to reports, Wilson did not have a mobile cart or stand outside of the convention center selling fake documents.
How in the hell can a place in Paducah that is hemorrhaging almost a quarter of a million bucks, which is run by a government affiliated entity, not notice a whole bunch of what little money they have is being spent with just one vendor? I guarantee you the only time a sole entity was the main cash flow of that joint was The Silver Saddle just after the premiere of Urban Cowboy and in the heyday of the Charlie Daniels Band. The place has about one or two conventions a year at the most. One of them is some bridal thing and the other requires you to either fail or pass some sort of health test. You never know which one is going on until you show up. It is ridiculous anyone tries to keep that place alive. In fact, during the flood of Ought Eleven, after the million whatever renovation the City and County joined in on, it was determined that, if the flood water rose past a certain point, it would be able to convene and expose itself as much as it wanted all over Julian Carroll’s architectural namesake. The City finally paid a guy to sell off the hotel not worthy of Baltic or Mediterranean Avenues and tore it down. However, the structure still standing appears to have been abandoned like the square building block that could not be shoved into the rectangular hole by the slobbery -handed baby that is governmental waste is still standing.
Kerr and Wilson perpetrated their evil scheme of writing and cashing checks on a board of citizens and hope-to-do-wells and a bank who apparently did nothing but sit around and wait to be given “note-ice” something was wrong. Just from an office supply standpoint, why didn’t anyone ask Kerr where all those checks were going? To embezzle enough to support Tony Montana’s cocaine habit, you’ve got to be going through a couple saplings worth a day. If Kerr was really doing enough business to write that many checks and generate enough paperwork to fool the PMC4 into believing the place needed money to actually operate – as opposed to just keep the utilities on because it was vacant – the Super Shredder would have been swinging by every couple of days. The bank statements no one was paying attention had to be as thick as phone books because of the copies of the checks. Rumor has it a couple of law firms were close to sealing deals to put magnets on them.
How did whoever balance their books? I get this picture of the PMC4 handing a bunch of wadded up receipts, some pocket lint and a gum wrapper to their CPA. I don’t know enough about taxes to go any further with this.
Steve Dolittle was appointed the acting executive director to take over where Kerr stole off. Most people around here remember Dolittle from his most recent government employee incarnation as executive director of the Paducah Renaissance Alliance. It makes sense they would bring in Dolittle because he needs two more city-county government related jobs to get a set of gold plated steak knives. It also makes sense because he has been executively directing an Alliance to rebirth Paducah, and what better place needs rebirthing than the convention and exposition center? As of today, there has been no word on whether or not he will executively direct rebirthing, conveneing and exposing simultaneously. It all sounds rather arduous.
