Yankee Fans Insist Granderson Still Has Time to “Fuck It All Up”
New York, New York – While most fans would be thrilled with the MVP caliber play Curtis Granderson has displayed this season, Yankee fans are still not willing to admit he’s had one of the best individual performances of 2011 season. “Look, he’s put up sum fuck’n huge numbers. Dat bein’ da thing, he’s won two less World Series than I’ve got balls. So, until he proves he ain’t no fuck’n choke artist like that goddamn A-Rod, he’s open for interpretation,” Trey Strangelli said while finishing his tall-boy outside Biff’s Beef & Beer during his lunch break. “It’s been two fuck’n years since we’ve won anyting. He’s got til October to fuck it all up,” an optimistic Strangelli added.
Curtis Granderson Buck-Tooths Down the Hatches Towards the Postseason
New York, New York – With his play this season, Curtis Granderson has shown he can live up to the fans’ expectations in New York. After hitting his then league leading 38th homerun of the year on Sunday, Granderson also displayed something the Yankee front office apparently did not see during his physical when he was traded from the Detroit Tigers. Buck teeth. “This is obviously a very serious oversight on the part of our medical staff. I mean, if we aren’t going to allow facial hair, how can we allow buck teeth and still keep a straight face? Hell, now I know why it looks like somebody followed him into second with a rake when he slides head first,” said an obviously frustrated and dentally insensitive Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman. George Steinbrenner could not be rolled over in his grave for comment.
Curtis Granderson Ignores Rules and Rounds Bases on Routine Squib Back to the Mound
Baltimore, Maryland – Known for his congenial attitude both on and off the field, Curtis Granderson surprised the shit out of everyone in last night’s 3 – 2 win over the Orioles when he rounded the bases after squibbing a slow roller to first for the second out of the fourth inning. After first baseman Matt Reynolds fielded the worm warmer and stepped on first, Granderson put his head down made the turn for second and continued around the bases at a half-ass pace until he touched home to the amazement of everyone in Camden Yards. “I ain’t never seen nothing like that since Kanye acted like Taylor Swiff wasn’t say’n nuthin’ at VMA’s,” said eye-witness and closet Orioles fan Billy Jensen. Granderson’s teammates ignored his requests for high fives, back slaps, histrionics and gesticulations that normally accompany a homerun when he returned to the dugout. Granderson’s request for the ball was met with a middle finger and crotch grab/adjust from reliever Michael Gonzalez.
Granderson Admits He Watches Direction of Ball to Determine If He Will Go to First
New York, New York – In a moment of candor rarely seen in professional sports, New York Yankee center fielder Curtis Granderson admitted he often has to watch where the ball he hit goes before he decides what to do. When asked how he got to the majors needing a reminder to run to first, Granderson back-tracked and said, “That’s not what I meant. What I meant was I have to look where I hit the ball before I got to first because…… no, of course I mean before I go to first, but I have to go to first. What I mean is, I have to watch first and the ball before I get to first…..Fuck this. Fuck you first, you know-it-all son-of-a-bitch. I’m out.” Granderson refused to cuss, glare or answer anymore questions as he tore out from the interview room.
Granderson Hits Homerun in Time to Avoid Being Accused of Farting
Baltimore, Maryland – Before Orioles catcher Matt Wieters and home plate umpire Vic Carapazza could deny being the author of the stench that descended upon home plate in the bottom of the 8th inning on Monday night, Curtis Granderson hit a homerun into the right field seats allowing him to avoid becoming a person of intestinal interest. “I noticed his legs were a little closer than usual in his stance. I didn’t think anything of it. Then, all of a sudden, it was like a turd factory exploded,” Wieters said, still clearly shaken up by the experience. “After giving the sign, I glanced back at looked at Vic and asked him if there were runners on first and turd, he said no, and before I could ask Granderson, he’d hit the ball over the fence. Had to be him. You don’t run to first that fast after hitting a homerun unless you’re a rookie or you just shit your pants.” Carpazza was of the same opinion. “I was the in Air Force before getting into umpiring and making it into the Majors. If there is one thing you learn in the Air Force, it’s how to tell who farted. They don’t call it the Air Force for nothing. It couldn’t have been Wiet because I would have heard it or saw the dirt move. I know it was Granderson cause his face looked like he was taking the ACT, and his legs were closer than a Protestants’ at prom. He should have manned up when he touched home though.” MLB Officials say it is the first time a play has both dropped and hit a bomb at the same time.
Sleep apnea is either a disease, or a disorder where “pauses” occur in your breathing while sleeping. In other words, you’re trying to suffocate yourself. It’s like you’re involuntarily playing pulmonary chicken with yourself. You’re choking yourself like a chicken, I, unlike everyone else, just said.
Other than just constantly waking up all the fucking time, a person can get official papers proving they are into the pulmonary equivalent of bondage by having a polysomnogram. Polysomnogram does not mean a polygamist let you feel all of his wives tits, and rate them using a series of celestial bodies. It does not mean there was an orgy of breast cancer awareness at the radiologist’s office. It does not mean you had something about boobs stitched on a towel, or piece of clothing suitable for high falutin’ catered affairs. It is simply a sleep study. Sleep study does not describe a student snoring with their head down at a desk in the library at 2:13 a.m. during finals week. It does mean you show up at the hospital late in the p.m., get all tethered up to primary colored wires via the application of the dermatological equivalent of super glue, and fall asleep. Your sleeping is monitored via closed circuit sleep-v, and the wires essentially give a neurological polygraph proving you’re choking yourself (or that you’re lying about choking yourself). When you wake up the next morning, a doctor comes in the room to tell you if you passed or failed, and what your score is. A “clinically significant” apnea level is where you attempt to snore yourself to death 5 or more times during an hour. Some in the unlearned and completely falsified knowledge community refer to this as being “attemptedly massively suicidal”. It’s like your lungs stutter, and are trying to kill you like a fucking character in the “Director’s Cut” of Goodfellas.
Before I go any farther, I’m going to put this in the terms of the greatest man to ever sport a jerri curl and blue jean overalls simultaneously. “You’re goddamn right, I got this too.” If you don’t know who Buddy Guy is, well Buddy, all I can tell you is that this Guy is one bad motherfucker. He’s such a bad motherfucker, people go get DNA tests after they see him live just to make sho he didn’t fuck their momma cause it damn sure felt good. Anyway, after you’ve been diagnosed as a Bedtime Strangler, you get fitted with something that’s a little bit Darth Vader and a little bit Scuba Diver. This monstrosity is called a CPAP Machine. No, you don’t have air tubes shoved up your genitals, and no stirrups of the gynecological or baseball variety are involved. This is a machine that provides Constant Positive Airway Pressure. Sounds like something that overcharges your for tiny bottles of liquor, and will give you worthless frequent breather miles doesn’t it?
The machine itself looks like a 1960’s vacuum. Instead of a medical supply store you’d think some dude with a JC Penny suit, an old bowler hat, and an Eddie Haskel-like persona guilted and/or conned you into buying it so they would get the fuck off your stoop. It also has an equally old school, smaller vacuum-like hose made out of see through plasticish elastic shit. It looks like the last pair of drawers you thought you could easily rip off of who or whatever, only to cause them a low degree burn and you to question both your strength and dietary habits. The shit looks flimsy as hell, but it gets you all the oxymoron you need to allow you to sleep through the night – while forgetting how ignorant it is that you try to pull the plug on your own breathe bags on a hourly basis. The mask does have the “however you’d spell Darth Vader’s breathing” sound. It also makes you sound like Admiral Greer when you talk. If you open your mouth with the mask on, you can feel air pushing through your throat and nose. It’s like getting an air dick shoved up your throat, and into your sinuses.
The hardness and tubular aspects of the mask also makes sleeping in any position other than “visitation style” impossible. If you try to roll over on a side, you’re going to cut off the PAP and be tangled up and blue quicker than a Bob Dylan impersonator who had a net thrown over them while trying to escape the Looney Bin. Sleeping face down is going to keep your head at a higher level, and give your face a long lasting imprint that’ll make all the boys in the band think you blew the biggest triangle player in the Tri Global area. The goddamn thing only made sleeping impossible for me before I went back to trying to kill myself softly every night. I wake up so much, there are some times when I wish that racist Fugee Lauren Hill would come and put me out of misery. You can also try these rubber nostril implant like things that are attached to what looks like the straps you saw on braces in the movies. They are to sleep deprived nerds what Lebron James is to basketball players. I’m not even sure that made sense, but I haven’t slept in a while so what the fuck do you expect? The nostril implants are referred to in the industry as “nasal pillows”. Big, soft natural tits are what I think of when the word “pillows” is used. Nasal makes me think of that branch of the military with those sperm-like uniforms. Mix them together and I don’t come up with a soft, rubbery mechanism designed to fit comfortably in my nostrils to facilitate continuous breathing. My math equals some member of the armed forces trying to facial my nasals. Beyond the physicality involved with being able to sleep, you can tell I’ve got way too fucked up of a mind to handle any of this type of shit.
Well, if you can’t tell, I can’t go to sleep. I wish I could get to sleep so I could start trying to strangle myself, because sleeping in between involuntary strangulation is still sleeping, no matter how you wrap your hands around it. Sleep Apnea sounds like a minor mountain chain in the Himalayas by the way. And Himalayas sounds like the name of a tranny version of that chick from Star Wars with the danishes on the side of her head. Tranny makes me wonder which Transfomer is gay? And with that inability to turn off my mind, I bid you a happy audios.
Sleep, strangle and the Bangles…
- The Super Bowl kind of sounds like an emergency appendectomy that’s being performed on Andre the Giant.
- “I wouldn’t make a good gay guy because I can never get it all in the first wipe.” – Anonymous…ok, I just made that shit up.
- “Nin ten dough, Wii go” – An ultimatum given by Chinese terrorists.
- Herpes – Genital Braille
- Plastic or Paper? – Old school dope dealer vs. new school, environmentally conscious dope dealer.
- Politically correct - A show by a guy with a duck-billed platypus-like nose, or a term for not having the guts to say what you really think in a given situation.
- A blow job – What a married guy gets when he is told to clean up the car.
- Bourbon balls – A pair of testicles in a red, wax-covered sack.
- Pill head – The one member of your family who actually enjoys family get togethers.
- MSG – The Chinese equivalent to PMS, but it’s much saltier.
- Mopeds – What a fat kid with a lisp says when his dispenser runs out of candy.
- Sectional sofas – Furniture for those of us who are too lazy to make it all the way around the room without needing to sit down.
- Sean Connery – Has he ever played someone who was actually from Scotland?
- Submarine movies – Can’t we all just get along? Ain’t nothin angrier than a bunch of motherfuckers under water, in a tube, with a camera following them around.
- Homicide – A pesticide made by a gay guy.
- Sumo wrestlers – Who wouldn’t want to be fat and adored by women, all while wearing a diaper?
- Steven Seagal – The reason I went on a diet and quit slicking my hair back.
- 100 Proof – Evidence that life is only good 50% of the time, which necessitates drinking something at least twice as strong.
- Drug addicts in movies – Always more fashionable, prettier, and less scary than they are in real life.
- Jennifer Tilly – Has got some Tillybitties. She’s almost as bad as Gene Simmons’ wife Shannon Tweed. Both of their movies are always on Skinemax late at night, and they both show their tits within the first five minutes of appearing on screen.
- Zoo – “A controversial documentary about bestiality which focuses on a Seattle man who died after having sex with a horse. Includes interviews and re-enactments of the incident.” This was apparently the funniest shit I missed on DirecTV’s Sundance East Channel. I don’t think actual horse fuckin is as bad as re-enacting it. Plus, a man lost his life. Have some decency and quit trying to beat off a dead horse for Christ’s sake.
I haven’t had a lot of time to write lately. However, my Ph.d friend recently challenged me to an Onion-like contest of who could come up with the best headline/story based off of a random picture submitted by our lunch companions Sam and Kevin. Sam submitted the following picture. He sent an email explaining why he chose this particular one, but like a David Alan Coe song, I was drunk when I read it and don’t remember what it said.
Giant Dike Won’t Move Fjordward without removal of Beaver Dam
Hopscotch, South Dakota – A huge dike refused to hold back anymore glacial activity being fjordwarded her way by a group of lesbians intent upon impounding as much water as possible. Experts agree it is very unusual for such nautically-related and homosexually-suggestive metaphors to mix so seamlessly in the natural world.
Tammy Faye Macy Day Float Blows!
New York, New York – In a display of decadence only rivaled by Imelda Marcos’ chocolate cookie dough blizzard fuck-me pumps, a huge float honoring the disgraced Praise The Lord televangelista Tammy Faye Baker hit a fire hydrant today. This resulted in a minor flood during the pointless, helium filled, pageantry that is Al Roker and Katie Couric’s excuse to avoid seeing and spending time with their family on Thanksgiving. A spokesman from Whatever Floats Your Boat, which is a group of bisexual parade float engineers, said it is not unusual, nor unheard of, for floats to encounter problems during their appearance in the parade. “Everyone remembers the year when Ken and G.I. Joe got tangled up around 69th Street. It’s not like there wasn’t some I-RON-Y going on there. And I can assure you, unlike the dolls, they both could be blown up,” squeeled a fabulously dressed Rex Sanford.
Holly Mothrafucker!
Okuma, Japan – Almost three months after becoming the first country to experience the vaunted Triple Meltdown Crown, the Japanese people are now living in fear of what the only people brave enough to stay native call The Giant Kiss Kiss Painted Face Lady. Long known for their willingness to be terrorized by cartoonish monsters like Godzilla, Mothra and to a lesser extent Bruce Lee, it now seems as though the Japs really have something to worry about.
Funiye Tamanabe, who lived about three miles down the rice patty from Super Fukushima Reactor No. I, first reported seeing The Giant Kiss Kiss Painted Face Lady after the initial super happy fun time nuclear meltdown hour on March 12, 2011. “Ohhh, eye rember reeing ree Riant Riss Riss Rainted Race Rady roming rowards me ras eye rode rike ru rerk. Eye rus rate recause reltdown rocked rout power. Rit ras rark rand eye rall rost ran rover rat bitch,” Tamanabe said.
A government official who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he was affiliated with a different government and knew nothing about the situation, stated The Giant Kiss Kiss Painted Face Lady was the direct result of a “gamma-ray-Hulk-like-thing” that occurred after a mannequin from Old Navy was washed into the core by the tsunami.
We found The Giant Kiss Kiss Painted Face Lady at Big Woman Time Spa and Relax, at the former site of Fukushima Reactor No. II. She appeared to be getting a facial. When asked, she refused to comment. For the record, she also refused to breathe fire, derail trains and crush buildings in the downtown area.
Blow Job From Amazon Nearly Kills Cairo’s Only White Man
Cairo, IL – One man’s load nearly blew it for everyone in a small Illinois town when a willing Amazon employed enough suction to blow the Bird’s Point Levee down. “Blow jobs from morally suspect Amazonians are not something you can prepare for when trying to prevent floods from destroying towns,” Gen. Jason Gurgens, Army US Corps of Engineers said while surveying the damage. The President of Racial Equality in Meteorology, Jeffrey Thomas, said he believes race was behind the blow job that blew the levee. “Come on man. How many times has a flood been forecast for Cairo? Much less happened? On top of that, what is this honkey doing running around trying to get his willy wonka’d? There ain’t been a white woman that size around here since Delta Burke’s car broke down. That damn Jim Cantori must have tipped him off.”
