So I took our German Shepherd Shayn to the vet a while back, and found out that she has severe skin problems - apparently her derma gets all scabby, like a geezer who didn’t make it in time for the bluebird special.  I was told that it is worse than a leper’s skin after having bathed in Oxiclean, but I can’t confirm that.  She was previously prescribed Keflex and Prednisone to treat her equivalent of a 13 year-old pizza face – at certain times in high school, my face had extra toppings too.  But it seems that she has built up a tolerance to Keflex, so the vet has now moved her letter of membership from the Church of Antibiotics, to the Holy House of Bactrum.  Hopefully this will help her, and she’ll no longer have that corn chip-like aromaer (Boston accent spelling).  As it stands now, she’s the Queen of Cornchippia.  It’s hard to say this, considering WWII and all, but bless her little German heart.

The vet has had her on Prednisone for some time now, which is a common steroid.  I thought about the consequences, but worse case scenario is that it works too well.  It might give Shayn added speed, or enable her to finally catch the tail that has tormented her all these years – or, it could possibly take 5 seconds off her best ball-fetching time.  My wonderment is expressed forthwith:  Should Shayn be suspended from partaking in any AKC activities after testing positive for a performance enhancing drug (PED)?

Shayn having it prescribed for skin purposes definitely makes more sense than Manny Ramirez trying to increase his ability to ovulate.  Shayn’s name won’t be leaked to the media, because HIPPA applies to dogs and she has a valid script.  So thankfully, she won’t have to go on Real Sports with Bryant Gumby and give a tell-all interviews to that pug-faced Andrea Kramer, the female Fletch impersonator with lock jaw Mary Carillo, or the undisputed King of the Undead Frank Gifford.  She also won’t be suspended from chasing the ball or frisbee for any number of games, because she’s been open, honest, and pee’d frequently without a request for testing purposes.  Shayn also won’t have to go through the ordeal of constantly being asked why she took PED’s, unlike all those professional athletes who became All-Stars and galactically rich off making their nuts dehydrate – much like a prune left in a Ronco Food Dehydrater overnight.  The answer to that question is more readily transparent than the glass house I live in.

I hear that the AKC even toyed with the possibility of instituting a testing program as of late.  The problem is, they haven’t been able to build a facility with enough fire hydrants to perform urinalysis on all the dogs.  Hair samples can’t be done either, because flea & tick medicine can result in false positives for methamphetamines.  Heartguard will cause a false positive for opiates - it’s also considered the Oxycontin of the AKC, because it is so easy to obtain and can help dogs recover from leash leg, collar colitis and paw pustules much faster than normal.  So does giant testicles on a tea cup Yorkie, or ball bearings on a Bull Mastiff always mean that dog has been slobberuicin’ (industry slang for using PED’s)?  In the words of the immortal Harry Carey - who had glasses so big, you’d think they were on Andro - ”It could be, it might be, it ain’t” necessarily a sign of PED use.  We have to remember that some dogs are more “naturally talented” than others, just like normal people and genre specific pornstars.